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A Joe Rogan Exclusive

2009 looks to be the year of MMA online beef. You started off with Florian and Barnett airing each others ass out on the Underground. You have War Machine and an Obama. Plus my constant conflicts everywhere with Shitzle, Bloody Anus and Sam & Andre Caplan to name a few. It’s a war zone out there in the online MMA community.

But the nastiest beef of all was betweens yours truly and UFC color commentator Joe Rogan. That was getting really ugly there for a while, people were starting to get worried that somebody might get popped. But fortunately Ryan stepped in and set up a meeting between us, not unlike the meeting the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan set up between “>50 Cent and Ja Rule a few years back to squash their beef. But this time both parties showed up. And while I did not apologize for saying he’s “a 4th rate Bill Hicks wannabe”, or “I wish you died 15 years ago from terminal cancer and Hicks was the UFC color commentator”, or “You’re such a whore for TV money you’d let a man with AIDS ejaculate in your ass without a rubber if they filmed it for television. Actually that would be more dignified than Game Show In My Head”. I agreed to give him a pass if he’d agree to help out Fightlinker.

You see, Joe is a big Fightlinker fan. It’s probably the only place online the majority of people actually like him (myself and JoeRoganIsAnAss not included.) So with the upcoming premium site and all, he wanted to help out. He has agreed to send me an exclusive blog post to go along with his THC-induced ramblings on his own site. I’ll even cut and paste it and put it in blockquotes since that’s the only format MMA fans like to read!

Hello Fightlinker readers! I want to thank you guys for the positive feedback you gave my blog about what dicks Kellogg’s are being about that Michael Phelps bong picture thing. I wasn’t really sure how that was going to be received. We’ve got a bunch of straight edge weed-haters in the MMA community, you know. They say you should only be getting high on training, but my good friend Eddie Bravo and I are of the idea that nothing beats smoking a little reefer to unwind from a session of rolling around with sweaty men. Man, somebody needs to get that War Machine dude stoned so he can calm the fuck down! Am I right?

But you know what I love more than getting high and blogging? Morning talk radio! When I’m on the road with my stand up comedy act (I’ll be at the Southern Theare in Columbus on March 5th for all of those Buck Eyes reading this!) I always stop by the local rock station (since I’m too much of a white boy for the R&B station, hate hicks too much for the country station and conservatives on talk radio get pissed when they find out I’m friends with Alex Jones in their research.)

Those morning zoo shows love me, and I love them. It doesn’t matter where, it could be Willie & The Wacky Warriors on WTFN in Tallahassee, Nasty Ned in the Morning on WXKX in Oklahoma City, or The Scranton Scallywags on WGHB in Scranton, we go together like Paul Harvey and a casket (whoops, too soon?) Just think about it: they love rehashing the same old references and passing them off as jokes and so do I! They fool stupid bumpkins into thinking they’re edgy and so do I! They steal their gimmick from a guy who stopped being funny 15 years ago and so do I…..except for them it’s Howard Stern and mine is Bill Hicks….and they stopped being funny for completely different reasons. But you get the point. You know, if my agent didn’t get me that big Fear Factor role years ago and my career never took off, I’d probably be a morning zoo radio jock. And I’d be happy with that.

Oh man, I saw the craziest thing a couple of days ago, you’ll love this! I saw a black dude wearing a John McCain t-shirt! Can you believe that shit?!?!?! He’s black…..and he has on a shirt for a guy who hates black people! WTF HOMEBOY?! It was so crazy I had to take a picture of it, which you can see on my website (also go there for updates on my upcoming comedy special on Spike.) Of course since minorities are really threatening to balding middle aged comedians, I had to pretend like I was taking a picture of the guy who carries my luggage, Tom Segura, as he stood in front of him. We still couldn’t believe it. I mean, yeah we know about prominent black Republicans like Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice and all, but it’s different when you see one in front of you.

You guys missed some real classic shit on the car ride to our show, Tom and I started using black accents and did impressions of the guy! Tom started off with “Yo, I voted fo’ John McCizain cuz he Vice Prez pick be a fine ass white woman and I loves me fine white womenz, dogg!” then I said “Only a jive turkey would vote fo’ dat house negro Obama an’ shit!” But he won with the comeback “Real niggaz vote fo’ McCain, cuz if Obama win den wez can’t complain!” AHAHAHAHAHA! We laughed so hard at racial stereotypes we missed our exit! Thankfully the rental car had a GPS.

So that was the highlight from my week. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I’ll keep you updated on that Spike special that is coming up soon, so stay tuned to You’re not going to want to miss it, I’ve got some “A brother runs the country now!” jokes, some “People are losing their houses!” jokes, even some jokes about Nadya Suleman’s torn out pussy. Ha, the censors are gonna love THAT one! But hey, that’s the price you pay when you’re edgy like me.

Don’t forget to catch Game Show In My Head Saturdays at 8pm on CBS!