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A Letter To The Ortiz Twins For The Future

Dear Ortiz Twins,

I know it’s going to be years before this letter means anything to you, but I hope it finds you in time. Sure, Fightlinker will probably be sold off by then if anybody even cares about MMA anymore in 18 years. But I’ll make sure this gets added to for you two to find one day. Right now you’re so new to the world I don’t even know what your names are. I’m sure your mother gave you some stupid Hollywood baby names you’re going to hate, but for right now I’ll call you Jay and Brad after your mother’s two sleazy porn industry ex-husbands.

I’m sure by now you don’t need me telling you the history of who your parents are. Your father was an annoying douchebag who sucked. People new to MMA were fans of his for a minute because they didn’t know any better, but when they did they hated his guts. Your mom….wow, where do we even start with her. She was a teenage stripper with a methamphetamine addiction and abusive past who decided to enter the world of pornography. And that’s why my heart goes out to you two. I mean sure, everybody’s mama probably did some freaky leaky shit in their day, but to have it filmed for the whole entire world to see? Man, I can’t even begin to imagine how I would cope with that. How are you ever going to be able to diss somebody? When you’re on the baseball team when you’re 12 and strike out, what comeback could you possibly have to a teammate yelling out “HEY ORTIZ! YOU SUCK MORE THAN YOUR MOM!” Children are the cruelest, most heartless creatures on the planet. And your mother’s past is going to give them more ammo than a gun store. And your teachers, they can lay in the insults too! They probably spent most of 1996 jacking off like it was going out of style watching your mother get all three holes plugged up at once on VHS. We all did.

So I am worried about how you are going to turn out. I want to make an appeal to you right now. This is your big homie CRS talking to my little homies Jay and Brad Ortiz: spend your entire lives in therapy. Please. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, you’ve been dealt a hand nobody could cope with. Superman would be a serial rapist if Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz were his parents. You’re going to have tough lives of being laughed at by the guys, mocked by the girls, wishing you were your miscarried stepbrother. You shouldn’t have to go through that alone. You’re going to end up hurting somebody, probably several women. You’re going to be the most misogynistic person on the planet, abusing women because you think they’re all filthy whores like your mother. Or worse, you could think you’re the angel of death for sluts and become the new BTK Killer. The true crime book reader in me would love that story, but the humanitarian in me is begging you not to get that far gone.

I’ll be keeping an eye on you kids as you grow because I care. If you haven’t guessed by now I don’t feel much sympathy in my heart, but I do for you two. I don’t want to turn on the news in 2035 and hear you two are the identical twin Hillside Stranglers. I hope somehow you find a good support network as you grow up beyond Team Punishment members or Vivid Films alumni. Worse yet if the rumors are true, you could be $cientologists which means all hope is lost for you. Please, break the cycle. Get help before it’s too late. has love for you.

Yours Truly,