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Barely fight-related post of the day: The Expendables character namez

If you haven’t heard, Randy Couture is awesome. That’s the reason he’s starring alongside Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steve Austin, and Mickey Rourke in the Stallone-helmed action flick The Expendables. The Nogueira brothers also have small roles as henchmen of some type, while Josh Barnett worked as a “dietary supplement advisor” for the film. (One of those facts is imaginary — you guess which one it is.)

Filmdrunk.com just posted a recap of info on the movie focusing on the character names, which are all either too cheesy or too badass depending on your personal taste.

  • The group is already established  at the start of the movie, so there won’t be a clichéd recruitment scene.
  • Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
  • Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
  • Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
  • Jet Li plays Bao Thao. (That name’s not even English!  Absurd.)
  • Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
  • Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
  • Steve Austin plays “Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s’s’s’s bodyguard.
  • Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.
  • David Zayas (I hope he’s a doctor) plays the evil dictator General Garza.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis have cameo roles.

I can’t imagine what some other MMA fighters would have been named had they been cast in this one. Demian Maia could have been “Twisty McSnappenstein.” Cristiane ‘Cyborg’ Santos would have been scary as “Fuglee Bigtraps.” Jon Koppenhaver could have been “War Machine.” Frank Mir might have been nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of “Pube Phace.”

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