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Coolio slide, slide, slippity slides into DMX’s spot

Oh God I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’ve posted about this before. Alabama, the unsanctioned, unregulated wonderland that gave us Ray Mercer knocking the fuck out of Tim Sylvia, was all set to host the fight that would finally garner the respect that combat sports so richly deserves: DMX vs. Eric ‘Also Not A Fighter’ Martinez. I don’t know if I should be thankful or rueful (please let me know how you feel in the comments) that, alas, DMX is such a major pussy that he has this language inserted into the fight contract by his (her?) manager, Nakia Walker:

“Event Promoter and Management agree that [DMX] is scheduled to win the Boxing Challenge.”…

“All parties agree this event has been scheduled to occur only in fun and that the artist involved is not a professional boxer.”

I guess I should be happy that this kind of abomination on the face of our beloved fight sport has been narroly avoiOH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THIS NEWS:

In September, we told you about troubled rapper DMX’s plans to fight on a December card in Alabama. He has pulled out of the fight with Eric Martinez and is being replaced by everyone’s favorite late 90s rapper, Coolio.

Don’t sleep on Coolio’s chances in the fight. Remember, he has spent most of his life living in a gangster’s paradise. Does anything else in his past give you a clue about his chances as a fighter?

Well, I suppose he’s a year younger than Herschel Walker. One, two, three, four, he’ll prolly end up on the floor. The saddest thing of all? Jeff Monson is headlining this event.