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Cyborg Soldier Movie Review

In life, there are some things you have to accept. We age, our hair gets thinner, and the chicks we used to masturbate to get chunky. Still, despite having come to terms with these sad facts, I must confess that seeing Cyborg Soldier’s Tiffani Thiessen (you may remember her, as I do, from Saved by The Bell) chub up the screen made me pine for simpler days, when the only thing you had to look forward to was getting through enough of the show to fill your spank tank.

Luckily, her terrible performance is long forgotten after getting a taste of Rich “Ace” Franklin’s first foray into acting. For his premiere, Rich wisely chose the role of I.S.A.A.C. (which stands for the worst acronym in movie history), an emotionless super soldier who escapes a crappy compound in search of freedom (or so we assume; It’s never really revealed why he left, though I suspect it was to retrieve his precious collection of bibles).

In terms of acting requirements, you don’t get a plum as sweet as a cyborg, since it only requires you to read out lines in the most wooden and uninspired way possible. Still, Rich finds a way to make each monologue seem like a herculean effort, creating for an interesting mix of hilarity and pity all rolled into one. Thankfully, he keeps his mouth shut for most of film, leaving most of the heavy lifting to Bruce Greenwood, the only acting muscle in this piece of warmed up monkey shit.

Now, any hack director will tell you that the worst thing you can do in a movie is put bad actors with good ones, since it only creates a contrast for just how shitty they might be. Luckily, Tiffani Thiessen seems to have done little else then pound back donuts since her last movie role. Without anything attractive to look at, the painful zero dimension of her acting breadth gives Rich a chance to not have his performance overshadowed. It’s unfortunate that he’s still too crappy to hold his own without the land monster in tow.

I’d tell you what the story is about, but it’s so bafflingly stupid and useless, bringing back these painful memories would be considered a form of torture in some countries. If you want context, just imagine your typical cyborg shit movie involving an escaped soldier, a team of mercs sent to track him down, and a moronic police force tracking them down, and voila!

What is surprising in this protracted rectum of a film is the fact that the body count is so fucking low. You would think that a movie with the words “Cyborg” and “Soldier” would signify dozens of scenes involving crazy gun play, intense shootouts, and mountains of dead bodies. Instead, we get the heart-of-gold human wannabe that kills a total of 3 guys. I’m not sure, but I think that’s the body count of the kid from Home Alone.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but these flaming sacks of dogshit movies are just the beginning of Hollywood’s growing obsession with MMA superstars. I guess they figure that since wrestlers in the 90’s did so well, it’s only a matter of time before one of these new athletes will turn into the next Dwayne Johnson. Problem is, wrestlers were trained in acting. You think it’s easy looking like you get hurt from a simple slap? It’s normal for those idiots to move on to TNT’s movie of the week. Guys like Randy Couture and Rich Franklin, on the other hand, work all day getting real blows in to the face. It isn’t exactly the best platform for an acting career if you ask me. Still, it’s not like anyone listens to us, so I’m sure this segment of the site will start being a regular feature, until I’m forced to gouge out my eyes with a letter opener. Fun times.