There was a press conference in Japan today to announce the combination of DREAM and Sengoku’s New Years Eve show. Although we didn’t have a reporter there, we had something nearly as good: our man Supercrap, who drank down a Peyote Big Gulp and sent his astral form there to cover all the action!
The room is quiet, various members of the press fondle each others’ zoom lenses.
Bob Sapp enters wearing a loin cloth carrying a giant gong with a banana in his mouth.
He bashes the gong seven times with what looks like a femur bone. This causes the journalists in the room to wince and cower in fright. Sapp peels the banana and shoves it into his ear then hoots like a gorilla. He looks ashamed and uncomfortable.
The old Pride music starts pumping out of the speakers so loud that my shoes melt and the guy next to me faints. The warbly voiced lady starts announcing the members of the press conference. Sapp beats his chest and does forward roll to exit stage left.
Tanigawa backflips onto the stage wearing a pink robot / maid costume, an in-joke based on an obscure Japanese animation that causes the Japanese journalists (and Jordan Breen) to go into fits of convulsive laughter. I clear my throat and think about Bob Sapp in the jungle.
Some bad hip hop begins playing and a lot of Japanese fighters amble on stage.
Sakuraba flies in on some kind of suspended rope/pulley system wearing a red robot / maid outfit and a lucha libre mask. He lands on stage and does an attack pose from the animation “Ultraman”. Tanigawa (and Tokoro in the background) do the complementary defense pose causing the entire room to giggle approvingly.
Some people talk and Masato sings a song then high kicks the air. The room is silent. A goat is brought on stage. Giant Silva shuffles on with his arms and legs shackled. He is instructed to eat the goat via sign language. He does and everyone cheers (except the goat.)
Shinya Aoki and Masakazu Imanari come on stage wearing schoolgirls outfits. They pose for the cameras, do a short grappling demonstration, and then begin having hardcore anal intercourse. Imanari jizzes all over the reporters at the front.
“Wild Boys” begins playing and a giant robot version of Mirko Cro Cop crashes through the back of the conference room, killing Yoshihiro “Kiss” Nakao under a pile of rubble. Everyone gasps including you but not me because I took a sip of Calpis Water at that time.
The robotic Cro Cop turns to the audience and says something in Japanese. Then Minowaman enters on a jetpack. It is far too powerful for the small room and he bumps his head on the ceiling a few times before doing a somersault and heel-hooking the Robot Cro Cop which fizzes and sparks then explodes. Minowaman unclips himself from his rocket pack, bows to the assembled reporters, and then tears off his skin to reveal that he is a half-lizard half-trout from the future. He bows again, does a backflip and sits down next to Yamamoto Kid.
Ishii vs. Yoshida is announced as the main battle of the NYE card. Ishii talks via satellite uplink and he and Yoshida, who is live at the press conference, play rock scissors paper with a rather awkward delay. Yoshida loses and someone comes on stage to hand him a trophy in the shape of a robotic dildo. He smiles sheepishly and bashes Kazuo Misaki over the head with it.
Some schoolgirls can-can on stage and high kick everyone in the face including the reporters (and me.) Antoni Inoki comes out and slaps you pretty hard but there’s nothing you can do about it.
An elephant is led on stage and trumpets out most of the words to “Time to Say Goodbye”, takes a huge steaming dump, and is led off stage. A video of Fedor is played in the background for no apparent reason.
Questions are opened up to the floor. Someone asks whether the entire second series of Neon Genesis Evangelion will be released on Blu Ray or not. Someone else asks if he can purchase the underwear of the schoolgirls who came on earlier. Someone else asks if he can smell Bob Sapp’s loin cloth.
Everyone is thanked for attending then sprayed directly in the face with a giant hose dispensing ultra-slime. The entire room breaks down into a slime-covered free for all with everyone scrambling for the exit as J-Pop begins to play.
In this fashion, a typical Japanese MMA press conference.