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Fedor routes Russian sambo, reduces tournament to rubble

Fedor Emelianenko has turned his attention away from MMA to once again dominate Russia’s national sport of Sambo. “I am here to destroy, devestate, and decimate,” said Fedor as he arrived at SSK club. “My opponents will not be left standing. Fedor is no one’s bitch.”

Earlier in the year, Fedor swept the European Sambo Championships. Only one opponent was brave enough to face him – Fedor crushed every bone in his body. “Let this be a message to the wives of all who face me: your husbands will be ruined. Only a husk shall remain.”

Day one of the Russian Sambo Championships went the same, with Fedor humiliating his three competitors in under two minutes. Bystanders looked on in horror as Fedor smashed his second opponent’s nose to dust and drank his blood from a gourd fashioned from the skull of some past victim.

At the end of the day, Fedor hung back to intimidate lower weight class fighters and threaten children. “Do you not see that I cannot be stopped? Bow before me, dogs. I am superior to you all.”

When asked why he continues to ravage Sambo tournaments around the world, keeping all glory to himself rather than allow others a chance to win, Fedor answered “All glory belongs to Fedor. All Sambo belongs to Fedor. Someday when I am old and decrepit a new champion may replace me. But he will have to kill me. And Fedor, he does not die so easy, hmm?”

Next stop for Fedor after the Russian Sambo Tournament is the Special Olympics, where he plans to defeat autistic Russian gold medalist Grubo Trevsnotvik. “Grubu, he take away from my Sambo legacy.” says Fedor with a small smile. “No one in Sambo is safe from my wrath. It is absolute!”

  • victorpoprock

    Oh Shit! That is fucking funny.

    Fedor will dominate the special olympics. He will be the first man to take the gold in EVERY SINGLE EVENT. Muuahahahaaaaaa!!!!!

  • Kalak

    Haha, scary stuff. Fedor is simply too dangerous for this world.
    I would like to see him fight a pack of dinosaurs with rabies.

  • Ark

    Why does Fedor insist on competing against amateurs? How is he even allowed to participate as a professional fighter?

  • victorpoprock

    Exactly Ark. How is it any different from the opponents he’s facing in MMA?

    It’s like Fedor loves fighting guys that have no business fighting him. I think it’s his management. They are putting him up against all these amateurs and a middle weight and a guy with one mma fight under his belt. When will it end?

    Beating amateurs and cans over and over doesn’t prove shit. We are not impressed.

  • Accomando

    F’ing awesome post linker!

    I never knew fedor was sooo inherently evil. Jeez, look at all the blood in that pic, what a psychopath!!!

    “…Fedor smashed his second opponent’s nose to dust and drank his blood from a gourd fashioned from the skull of some past victim….”

    How can Nika continue to defend him now?

  • miken

    I think he promised the Putin or something that he’d keep fighting in sambo for Russia.

  • Swedish guy


    So where’s the mailbag for the low blow btw?

  • #1 jackal

    “At the end of the day, Fedor hung back to intimidate lower weight class fighters and threaten children”

    That has been Fedor for the last couple of years. Fighting lower weight class fighters or guys that he shouldnt be fighting.

    That was a greate article. One of the best ones for awhile. I read it twice bc I enjoyed it so much.

  • operator

    Hilarious that should be your next comic.

  • kentyman

    I wish you would’ve spelled it “absolut!” like the vodka, even if it is Swedish.

  • MacDaddy

    one day Fedor will step into the ring at a Combat Sambo tournament and there across the mat, in the gh-eyest savate unitard evar will be Jean-Claude Van Damme,

    THEN we’ll see who’s a top and who’s a bottom….

  • Boondock

    Awesome! Every time I ponder why I come to these sites you give my funny bone a bitchslap and remind me.

  • mmaninja

    nice spin, too bad it’s kinda true

  • Mobb Deep

    Its been a while, but you came through again. Classic. This is why I come to the site so often.

  • fightlinker

    I’m gonna try to do more onion-style satire. Problem is it requires actual THOUGHT rather than just a bunch of ‘piss shit fuck’ speak.

  • Matt (but I signed up as Mr. Unbelievable Pants)

    Bravo, bravo!