MMA Fighting has a great little timeline of Brock Lesnar’s illness from start to finish, although it’s a bit dry for our taste. So we decided to put together our own list of important dates for the Great Lesnar Illness of 2009 (which was also the kickoff for the Gypsy Curse too):
September 14th: UFC gives Shane Carwin a title shot against Brock in a ‘Pick on Someone Your Own Size’ match.
October 26th: Lesnar pulls out of Carwin fight with mystery illness
October 27th: Hornblowgate
October 28th: Shane Carwin accuses Lesnar of suffering from Pussy-itis
November 15th: Amidst no speculation that it might be cancer or AIDS, Dana White says Brock Lesnar doesn’t have cancer or AIDS. Speculation begins on whether Lesnar has cancer or AIDS.
November 16th: Dana says Lesnar “may never fight again.” Internet grows a conscience, people start feeling bad for making fun of Lesnar.
November 17th: Diverticulitis – where holes in your gut leak fecal matter everywhere – is the new diagnosis floating around. Half the people offer prayers for Lesnar while the other half starts giggling because his illness involves poop.
December 17th: New pictures surface of Brock Lesnar looking rosy cheeked and generally okay. People seem strangely disappointed. Conspiracy theorists re-emerge to say he’s faking it. Intelligent people understand that when you get paid in the millions of bucks, you don’t have to call in sick if you don’t want to show up for work. You just don’t show up for work.
January 2nd: After a month and a half of no solid updates, UFC says fuck waiting another week or two for news and lock in Frank Mir vs Shane Carwin for the Interim Heavyweight belt.
January 20th: It’s a miracle! Brock Lesnar returns with his colon intact to announce a summer return. Lesnar attributes recovery to positive thoughts, fiber, and a health care system that must seem pretty great when you’ve got the money and coverage to actually get treatment.