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Fightlinker UFC 157 awards

Award bonuses for UFC 157 were handed out to the tune of 50 large, and the winners were: Dennis Bermudez and Matt Grice, who took Fight of the Night honors for their thrilling back and forth battle; Robbie Lawler won Knockout of the Night by default; and Kenny Robertson took home Submission of the Night and a piece of Brock Jardine’s soul for his despotic kneebar. But there are others equally deserving of recognition, even if that recognition comes in the form of mockery instead of a ton of cash. Here they are:

Ruth’s Chris ‘You Owe My Ass a Steak’ Award: Robbie Lawler. Delivering the night’s only ‘knockout,’ even though it wasn’t so much a KO as it was a TKO – a questionable one at that – makes Lawler the recipient of a $50,000 bonus check. The party most responsible for stuffing Lawler’s pockets is not Robbie himself, nor Josh Koscheck for taking the beating, nor Herb Dean for stopping the fight – it’s Brendan Schaub for ignoring the boos of the crowd and taking Lavar Johnson down repeatedly to avoid the inevitable knockout that a stand-up battle would have surely produced. Robbie owes Brendan a very expensive steak, possibly a handjob to boot.

Jake Shields ‘Lack of Offensive Output’ Award: Brendan Schaub. Because in the heat of battle it’s easy to forget that you’re actually allowed to hit a guy while you’re trying to advance position.

Samson Award: Josh Koscheck. Long known for his blond afro, Kos showed up to fight last night sporting a much tighter hairdo. According to Biblical lore this was a bad move. And Kos paid the price. Much like Samson – the wrestler of lions and slayer of Philistines, Kos drew his power from his hair. Never mind that it made him look absolutely ridiculous, that hair had a functional purpose and he fell apart without it. If Kos is to reclaim his status as a feared slayer of welterweights, he must allow those absurd blond locks to grow again.

Depends Undergarments Lifetime Achievement Award: Matt Grice. Having a solid chin is a great asset in combat sports. However, when that chin is so sturdy that it allows you to get knocked out eight times in a single round without ever going down, it can become a liability to future bowel movements. If Matt Grice doesn’t learn how to better protect that concrete jaw, he’ll become all too familiar with this horrific product at a tragically young age.

Best 17th Century Sailor Impression: Michael Chiesa. If there’s one job harder than that of professional fighter, it’s 17th Century seaman. Old school ships were swarmed with rats, lice, a lack of medicine, and a shortage of food and clean drinking water. A sailor was expected to grow a beard while at sea. It was a mark of dignity. However, that beard was also an attractive nest for lice. Growing a beard today is still a sign of manhood, and if properly maintained can score a fellow some decent tail. But if proper maintenance is ignored, you just look like a slob with a lice infested beard. Chiesa’s beard was just such a spectacle. Mikey, this is the 21st Century kid, no reason to go around looking like a 17th Century seaman, or worse yet, Roy Nelson.

Damn Near Shocked the World Award: Liz Carmouche. When Liz took Ronda Rousey’s back, sunk those hooks in, and began cranking on her face looking for that choke, it appeared she was just an ass hair away from shocking the world, and sending Dana White into a Meniere’s induced coma. Ronda was looking pretty miserable in that position, but it seems she was much more worried about her boob popping out than being choked unconscious. She’s just that badass. Once she ensured that scores of men, and some women, would not be rubbing one out to her wardrobe malfunction, she escaped the position, walked right though a very hard kick to the breast, and commenced to do exactly what she set out to do: score another first round armbar victory. Carmouche deserves credit though for making a fight out of it and coming that close to pulling off what would have been a colossal upset. She did better than anyone expected and got a nice ovation from the crowd.

Most Woefully Unaware of What’s What Award: Lyoto Machida. After decimating Ryan Bader last August, Machida was supposed to have earned another crack at Jon Jones. Then after declining a short notice fight with Jones during the whole 151 debacle, his title shot was stripped away. Elsewhere in the UFC, Nick Diaz is about to fight for the welterweight title despite coming off a loss and a drug suspension. Chael Sonnen , who hasn’t fought at 205 for the better part of a decade, and posted a 1-2 record in the UFC when he did, is facing Jones for the light-heavyweight title. Perennial Top 10 welterweight, Jon Fitch just got cut. The writing is on the wall, in English, Portuguese, fuckin’ Sanskrit, for all to see. Title shots, hell even continued employment, depend on more than just Ws and rankings. Machida did not fight like a man looking to earn a title shot. He fought like a guy looking for a safe win. Hence there will be no shot in his immediate future, and if he keeps up with performances like this, he may very well find his ass out of a job, drowning his sorrows in piss cocktails.

  • glassjawsh

    it is a testament to how bad things have gotten that I prefer Tony Titties’ brand of terrible to everyone else’s not named Hyan or Smiff

  • glassjawsh

    also dana said that machida is getting the next shot.

    and also also it doesn’t surprise me at all that you’re familiar with 17th century semen

  • Voice of Reason

    Still waiting for GIFs of Ronda’s jiggling boobs

  • Tony

    It’s cute, in a naive kind of way, that you think Dana should be taken at his word when it comes to title shots. If Gustafsson beats Mousasi in even slightly impressive fashion then Machida is ass out.

  • Tony

    It’s cute, in a naive kind of way, that you take Dana at his word when it comes to title shots. If Gustafsson wins in even slightly impressive fashion then Lyoto is ass out.

  • Tony

    It’s cute, in a naive kind of way, that you actually believe Dana about title shots. If Gustafsson wins in even slightly impressive fashion, Lyoto will be ass out.

  • Tony

    It’s cute really, in a naive kind of way, that you actually believe Dana about title shots.

  • frickshun

    1) Well played on the semen.
    2) We didn’t miss you, Bitch Tits.
    3) Sometimes you make me laugh. This wasn’t one of those times.
    4) FUCKING PAGE BREAK, PLEASE.

  • iamphoenix

    shit fuck testicles

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