Bearing witness to the exemplary fiscal responsibility of the municipal governments of the state of Maryland, cops and firefighters are raising a disability pension for one of their own by beating the shit out of each other for the amusement of others. Last Friday, the Baltimore police and fire departments met in an athletic commission-sanctioned MMA event to benefit police officer Teresa Rigby, who was injured on the job.
In keeping with our natural tendency to side with people who don’t make a habit of arresting us when all we did was drive while totally wasted (free country my ass), we are happy to learn that the fire department won the most matches. However, the police department’s Julian “Kato” Min gets credit for having an even better entrance than Masaya Takita’s “glittery thonged man cycle” display in Pancrase: he was brought out in a chinese food container, wearing a glittery suit and matching hat that were just fabulous (you look good enough to eat, thweetie!) And he won his fight to boot. For a second I thought one of the fighters was wearing a luchador mask, which also would have been awesome, but it was really his opponent’s possibly-oversized glove obscuring his entire head.
The Baltimore police department brought in Carl Ballard from the Colorado police department to fight on their team as a sort of “extradition treaty” with Colorado, where there have been six similar events. The Baltimore Sun reports that the police department was cautiously supportive of the efforts. The fire department heads, however, have evidently been playing around in their flame-retardant sand until it got in their vaginas: they released a boilerplate “don’t sue me” message saying that they accept no responsibility for the consequences of the event. We may complain that we as taxpayers are paying health insurance premiums to cover this, but they probably didn’t even have to call an ambulance: at least one paramedic, Terri Smith, fought in the event, and promised, “I’ll fix them afterwards.” 17 minutes of video of the event can be seen here.