Dear Jackals, What’s wrong with you?

[frickshunMember]

I’ve gathered a team of top neuroscientists (is that a word?) to study my brain & figure out why I’m so much cooler than you, a better athlete, more desirable to women & more successful. They’ve mapped my grey matter & I think it’s pretty self-explanatory why my survival is imperative to human civilization & yours is more like a pimple scab, waiting to be picked off the face of the planet:

Okay, the truth is I have serious, crippling emotional problems. When my grandmother who raised me died when I was 18, I shrugged my shoulders. When my father died @ age 58 several years ago, I said “Am I supposed to do something?” The night the family dog died, my mother-in-law came over sobbing uncontrollably & when she tried to open my screen door, it was locked……as she struggled to open it I started cracking the fuck up RIGHT IN HER FACE. Sometimes, when my kids are being bad, I secretly wish they would keep pushing so I could smack them. When my wife incites an argument over some inane bullshit, I wish I was gay & married to a man so I could beat her fucking face in with a cinder block dipped in nuclear waste.

 On to my negative attributes……don’t introduce me to your wife/girlfriend. I’ll immediately judge her by several criteria: 1) Is she hotter than my wife? 2) Now that I’m relieved to find out my wife is more attractive, would it change my mind when I picture yoursdoing anal? 3) After discovering how average (or probably below average) your wife/girlfriend is, do I think you are secretly miserable b/c it’s embarassing to be seen in public w/her, especially when everyone else’s girl is way more attractive?

Next, you are or will be a terrible parent……in comparison to me. Not surprisingly, school-moms love me b/c I actually enjoy my kids. After all, each one is a substantial tax break. I smother them with love as if they are my year-end bonus & tax refund rolled into one. On a related note, my children are more attractive & better behaved than yours.

Your clothes are disgusting. It’s not so much that you shop in a Salvation Army due to financial hardship, it’s that you ACTUALLY FUCKING CHOSE those pants out of 20 other pants in the store. Like you picked them up, said to yourself “These make me attractive” & then paid money. Were you raised during The Great Depression or did your parents just pull the prank of the century by convincing you that they are fashion gurus & you need to emulate their fashion sense?

You are fat. This actually goes back to the clothes thing. Due to your revolting layer of subcutaneous whale blubber, you wear baggy & unflattering “clothes” (I use the word loosely in your case). Sometimes, when I caress my wife’s chesticles, I wonder if that’s the same feeling your unfulfilled wife gets when she puts her meathooks on your jiggly fat tits with your nasty pepperoni nipples pointing south. Rather than tell yourself it’s a bad idea to eat 2 cheezburgers & 3 hot dogs @ dad’s next BBQ, you lie to yourself & say “I’m perfect the way I am.” No you’re not. Riddick Bowe has a better chance of passing the Marine physical than you do making it up 3 flights of stairs w/o having a severe heart attack. Just because you are celebrating your grandma’s 90th birthday, it doesn’t mean it will be ruined if you don’t eat that big piece of cake. Instead of teaching your children that being fat is perfectly acceptible, I’D PREFER IT IF YOU DIE IN A HORRIBLE PLANE CRASH.

Your opinions aren’t special. Yes, you have them. So do I,  you fucking imbecile. Please stop convincing everyone that your opinion is superior just b/c you said so. 1st, your breath stinks. 2nd, an opinion is just that. I don’t care that you are playing amateur scientist & bending facts or stats to suit your hypothesis. Either I’ll agree or disagree. Although I’m judging you for being a fat idiot, you have no right to judge me. My dead daddy used to play devil’s advocate b/c he thought agreeing made for boring conversation. How about this? LET’S NOT TALK. Then we don’t have to worry about having a dull relationship.

Random thoughts: I’m smarter than you. Not so much in a college degree, world-educated kinda way. I just mean you’re dumb & I hate your fucking face. If you died it would affect me less than if they discontinued black liquorice (yuck). Recently, all of my bowel movements have become quite firm & pass quickly. That means less wiping & less time spent in the bathroom yelling @ my wife to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE FOR A MINUTE. That’s a win-win. I loved the 1st Matrix so much that I’ve convinced myself the 2 sequels were good. I know they weren’t good but they were soooooo good!! Do not try & bend the spoon, only imagine that there is no spoon. That’s fucking deep!! Can anyone tell me WTF that kid was talking about??

 

So tell me, what’s wrong with you?

[CAPMember]

I actually read all that. You’re growing on me!

The other day feeding my 10 month old boy with a bottle, his little hands with nimble fingers were roaming looking for something to grab onto. He looks me in the eyes and reaches for my face and clamps down on my nose. Then he starts picking it, mining for gold. His digits fit perfectly into all the places I can’t get! I can never clip his fingernails so he’s got the proper tools to get the job done. I just had to keep an eye out for moms as I knew she would get jealous/pissed at our bonding experience. He did a great job and I knew right then that we would get along just fine. I will never forget this moment.

I’m so cool I give you shrinkage.

[LetibleuMember]

I smoke cigarettes when I drink and do massive amounts of drugs @ UFC/MMA events because it makes it that fucking good. That’s about all that’s wrong with me other than the plates/rods/screws in my leg from getting hit by a fucking stolen car driven by assholes that had just robbed a gas station.

UPDATE: 2 of the prison guards that work in the ward these douches were assigned to were on my billiard team and I was their captain before the accident. The semi finals were the day after my accident. Revenge is sweet.

[DJ ThunderElbowsKey Master]

Leti wins the Revengiverse! Fuckin’ A.

[frickshunMember]

Cap made me laugh!! Looks like he’s good for more than a .3 second cameo in sk8 vids!!

[G FunkMember]

HAHA! Fuckin awesome! I love how shallow and emotionally crippled you are Frick. I would like to one day hang out with you so we can point out each others flaws and be total dicks to one another while silently enjoying every moment, douche.

[agentsmithMember]

I have one ball. But it’s somewhat bigger than normal.

[CAPMember]

^Say whaaaaaaaaaaat!?!?!?!?!

The wife and I smoke way too much weed. It’s like a second mortgage.

[iamphoenixMember]

there’s nothing wrong with me.

[YEAH RIGHTMember]

Some say I love too much.

[frickshunMember]

^^Yes, but that love is reserved for Urijah.

[suboMember]

Ask Douglas County, Colorado.

Edit: And Moapa County, Nevada.

[thingvoldsMember]

“Cap made me laugh!! Looks like he’s good for more than a .3 second cameo in sk8 vids!!”

what skate vid are you in cap

[iamphoenixMember]

^you’re supposed to go into a a really long rant ‘splaining how you taught Tony Hawk the 900.

[glassjawshMember]

i hate everything. it’s essentially the only thing that i really have a passion for.

sometimes when im laying in bed at night, next to whichever random slut ive scraped up off the bar room floor, i wonder if im the evil dude that’s put on the earth to balance out the good in the universe

then i secretly laugh at myself for being naive enough to believe in dumb bullshit like karma and universal balance and God

then i jam my unwrapped weiner into the bar sluts crusty vagina, wrap my hand around her throat and squeeze till the bitch is blue

[Author]

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