When she was a teenager, she even asked one of her friends which hole the tampon goes into and the conversation became so damn confusing that she walked away thinking the tampon is supposed to go up her ass. Holly shouldn’t be embarrassed about that. Who hasn’t as a teenager gotten drunk on the Tia Maria they stole from their mother’s secret alcohol stash in the garage and sat on the bathroom toilet thinking what it would be like to have ass sex with a tampon? Who hasn’t turned that thought into a reality and quickly realized they shouldn’t have pulled that shit (emphasis on that) out and just left it up there for a medical professional to discover twenty years later during a prostate exam. We all have!
Hazel didn’t learn that not all ladies have twin twatties until one of her boyfriends pointed it out to her. That must’ve been a fun conversation. “Um, Hazel, why are two frustrated and unsatisfied baginas frowning at me instead of one?” After Hazel’s boyfriend lovingly told her that her chocha looks like a Double Double, she went to the doctor and found out that she’s got two vaginas, two uteruses and two cervixes. Hazel also had to lose her virginity twice to really make it count.
It was just another day, like any other day. A Saturday night amongst friends at the bowling alley. Snow had just fallen for the first time in the area, and I guess everyone wanted to celebrate the occasion by grabbing on a bunch of big balls.
I was one Bud-Light deep into the night and my bladder was full of urine. If I was Derek Suboticki I would have drank my piss in lane 10 for all to see. But I was born not him. I don’t welch on bets. Also, if I were Derek Suboticki, I would instantly kill myself and hated my parents my whole life up until I would have killed myself at age 9 when I found out about the whole option of killing myself is a real viable option in this world for not making me an abortion baby and farting me out in the toilet when I was 3 months in her stupid womb.
Entering the restroom a man was taking the shit in the one stall that was available. I turned towards the urinals and that’s when I first made eye contact with the shit. It just sat there on the bottom of the urinal. At peace. It was this moment that I realized, every decision I made my whole life brought me to this point. Standing face to face with another mans shit laying comfortably in a place for piss. Destiny.
I was left speechless but still managed to let out a beautiful, “What the fuck?” And the man shitting in the stall, as if I were talking to him mumbled, “Yeah, what are you gonna do about it.”
I didn’t say anything back to him, pissed, snapped a picture and thought about it the rest of the night..this abandoned, mishapened and miss placed turd, waiting to be scooped up by someone who cares. This turd just wants to be loved, just like the rest of us.
Does this shit belong to you? If so, please contact John Walsh at America’s Most Wanted