Took a road trip to visit some family a month ago. Driving back about 4 of the 7 hours in. Out of the blue I started getting a serious “gotta shit” pain in my stomach. Saw that the next rest stop was maybe 5 miles away. I figured I had plenty ‘o time to get to the rest stop.
Squeeze out a few carefully measured farts: check. Clench butt cheeks & squirm around a bit: check. Roll down window for cool breeze: check. Look incredibly nervous like a suicide bomber: check. Monitor highway for best possible emergency shit site: check. After trying to convince myself repeatedly that a grown man can “hold it” indefinitely, biology won out. As I broke into a cold sweat wondering if my kids would actually witness their father shit himself (sober), I yanked the steering wheel right & pulled off the highway where the foliage was somewhat overgrown. My wife had no clue what was up & said “What’s wrong?!” I said I gotta go……NOW!! She didn’t even believe me as I don’t usually veer off the road for emergency shits. With seconds to spare I jammed my hand into the glove compartment & grabbed all the spare napkins we had.
I ran towards the bushes only to be greeted by a 4 foot rusty mesh fence? WHAT THE FUCK?! Now I had to hop this rusty fence that had some kind of barbs on top as well!! I somehow managed not to puncture my legs as I hopped it & ran in far enough so the whole world wouldn’t see the 1st proverbial bald bear shitting in the woods. I am not a fan of nature & seeing all these centipedes & gnats scattering when I picked my spot was not very comforting. I yanked my shorts down & squatted. The quantity of butterscotch pudding that I deposited was potentially a Guinness Book record. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a proper witness to verify. Luckily, the location I chose backed onto some wispy branches that captured a sample & deposited it on my hand as I reached back to wipe. While I had enough napkin reserves to wipe it off…..the lingering stench on my finger was overpowering. I could bottle this stuff & monopolize the smelling salts market. After carefully hopping the barbed, rusty fucking fence, I darted back to the car. My wife & kids had big grins on their faces as I slid back into the driver’s seat & pulled onto the road.
90 seconds later I made it to the rest stop. 90 seconds too late of course. Washed my hands like a rape victim taking that 1st post-rape shower. Thank gawd I didn’t need a pumice stone to eliminate the stench. Just the other day my daughters said “Daddy, we could see your butt when you were pooping that day!” Thanks kids.
Fizzy 1 year, 1 month ago.
