^looks like a well lit penis.
My friends and I once crashed a car into an off duty cop while we were tripping on acid. We were literally making the final turn of the drive in order to drive into the car park entrance of the rave were attending that evening. I got out of the car and hid behind a tree about four metres away from the accident.
I bet you were giving fellacio and you freaked out when you got caught by an undercover on makeout hill. You probably were nervous about what your parents would think so you pretended you were on acid thinking its the lesser of two evils. The hiding behind the tree 4 meters away was just a creative touch to make the story seem more real and acted as a reference to your boyfriends 4 inch pianist.
his ass was getting wrecked in a cop car
you fuckers are totally wrecking my cool story
Fizzy 1 year ago.
upon rereading this it sounds a lot worse than it actually was…..
I still remember that fateful day. When Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?”
“Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that singlet you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your head gear is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the timer and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to double leg people at inappropriate times.”
It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.
But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.
When I was a scrawny, pathetic little kid…..this big goon white kid used to pick on me. I told my stepfather about it. Bad move. He’s an alcoholic ex-con from Rikers black guy. He got drunk & threatened to kill the bully with a knife.
Kid kowtowed to me every time he saw me after that.
I duct taped a friend to a desk chair… naked
^ mean spirited stories are the best stories
i fell down and it hurt. fucked up.
i tripped and it hurt. totally bizarre.
i farted on my hand and smelled it. it hurt.
I dont remember how we got him out of his cloths, this was like 15 years ago.
i used to kick that same kid in the balls and a friend who is like 5 years older than me gave him a seriously horrendous wedgie. he hung him upside down by his underwear. I once recorded me giving him a wedgie that you could hear the underwear ripping.
nothing like Deep Thoughts.
I jumped off a 55 foot train bridge that was over a river into 4 feet of water, landed on a rock and crushed my heel.
during my first freshman year at purdue, in retaliation for stealing his towel from the communal shower every day for a week (thus ensuring he had to walk down the hallway naked back to our room) my dorm roomate used my toothbrush to clean his asshole. I wasn’t told this until a week later (and didn’t realize because i was a drunken stoner who rarely showered), and in that week i ate the pussy of the girl who would later become that guys long time girlfriend (they live in baltimore together 8 years later).
This thread is turning out PRETTY GOOD.
I was about 10 & my sister was 14. She got ringworm (rash) on her head. She was afraid to tell my mother (who was/is a psycho) so the rash got worse & my sister started to GO BALD. She had a big ass bald spot on top of her head & she was combing her hair over to hide it. My mom finally saw it, freaked out & brought her to the doctor. A little ointment cleared it up though…..
my retarded coworker says words funny, i think its because of where he is from (im not sure where he is from) he says the word book like boo (like what a ghost says)-k and instead of saying jimmy johns (i used to be the general manager of one before i got this job) he say g-me- johns.
anyway, since i am bored and angry at him for sucking at everything, I decided to start a game called “stuff i can get my retarded co-worker to say”
today’s word: cornish game hen
edit: SUCCESS!! (i may turn this into its own thread if it catches on)
today’s word: transmogrification
oh and once when i was 4 i stapled my finger. instead of checking to see what i was crying about, my mom, god bless her, smacked me over the head with a wooden spoon because she was on the phone and couldn’t hear the conversation.
my mom’s entire side of the family does this, the sky could be raining down goat semen and whatever is on the other end of that phone line would be more important
Diabetic co-worker doesn’t properly monitor his blood sugar. Was taking a dump & PASSED OUT. Couple hours after his “disappearance”, we discovered him locked in the stall. Had to call the cops. Co-worker was in a serious fog. Cops kept saying “MIKE, PULL YOUR PANTS UP….MIKE, PULL YOUR PANTS UP”. Co-worker was belligerent too. Cursing & punching stall walls.
Also, he’s short, fat, balding, dresses terribly, has the worst/corniest jokes, owns thousands of rock CD’s & has THE WORST BREATH ON THE PLANET all day every day. He’s hairy too….arms look like he’s part orangutan.
Egotastic has pics of Chelsea Handler’s sex tape. It was made 10 years ago and her boobies are meh.
“my mom’s entire side of the family does this, the sky could be raining down goat semen and whatever is on the other end of that phone line would be more important”
That’s not true…She’d be out dancing in it with her mouth open like it was raining skittles.
Oh no he didn’t!
i saw those pics too fivebolt… nothing interesting there. looks like convenience store security footage
I don’t know why chicks watch her show. She’s not that funny. She wishes she was as funny as TOSH.0!!
my uncle once popped a guys eye out while fighting him
^ vid/pic? or gtfo!
Replace eye w/boner and that’s what really happened.
how am i supposed to have a pic of that? this happened like 10 years ago
^ i make jokes
^^Actual jokes or GTFO
You seem cranky today frick. Is the misses talking to you again?
This is me in a good mood!!
Got another fuct up thing that happened to me:
Warming up for a grass volleyball tourney in Connecticut. I was peppering by myself (b/c I’m a hyper kid) under a tree. Turns out there was a HORNETS NEST about 10′ up & smacking the ball around got them agitated. I was also wearing a bright orange Nike ACG shirt. Needless to say they swarmed on me & I ran away smacking my head, face & body to get them off. I was pretty sure I got away unscathed as I played the entire day w/no visibile bites or pain.
Woke up the next morning & 1 side of my face was swollen up so bad I looked like Rocky Dennis from Mask!! Completely unrecognizable. Apparently, I got stung on the nose or cheek & had a nice reaction. Took 2 days for the meds to get my face back to normal.
That’s what you get for wearing an orange shirt and playing a woman’s sport.
Do you know what it’s like to be very good @ something that NOBODY CARES ABOUT?
That’s why I ended up here…..
“I looked like Rocky Dennis from Mask!!”
No Frick, not past tense….look like.
And actually, Rocky Dennis alias is Jake Rosholt.
http://o.aolcdn.com/os/fanhouse/content/mma/old/nissen.osterneck.jpg Stop hitting Rocky Osterneck!!!!
I got the end of my middle finger on my right hand bit off by a horse when I was eleven.
bringing this back “stuff i can get my retarded co-worker to say”
todays word: DA BOMB!
EDIT: SUCCESS!!!
I was almost eaten alive by a German Shepherd when I was 5. It mauled the fuck out of me. Luckily I jammed a wiffle ball bat down it’s throat. If you don’t believe me, look at the scarring on my back and bum region. (not you FBM) It decided to go to dinner that night. Stitches upon stitches upon stitches. Actually it healed quite well. I don’t care for German Shepherds very much.
Fuck German Shepherds. I was about 7 years old when I thought it would be a cool idea to get a piggy back ride from my godmothers German Shepherd. He didn’t think so and turned around and bit me in the face the second I touched him. Fuck German Shepherds.
Don’t flatter yourself Omo. I have scars on my bum too
FBM….”on” and “in” are two different words.
^^Ha!!
The keyword is ON. They look like tiger stripes. I don’t know how I got them. Maybe I mutilated myself when I was a little kid
Well, we can at least narrow down how it didn’t happen:
1. You never fought anyone who was wearing an Iron Claw.
2. Sliding in to third base shears skin, like nasty road rash.
3. You skull fucked a chick so hard that while tears were streaming down her face, slobber was dripping down her chin and she was choking back vomit, she had no choice but to gouge your ass with her nails because clearly she couldn’t say the safe word.
^ I know that chick!
Fivebolt, that sounds like stretchmarks that I’ve seen chicks get in that area. Do you have a bangin man ass?
I just pictured FB, who I’ve never seen before, with a DUBesque ghetto booty. I bet he drives the boys crazy.
Okay, this has gone a little too far for my taste. I bid you gents good-bye
fiveboltass
When i was like 15 or so i did karate and the instructer demostrated a foot sweep on me in front of the class. He then proceeded to demostrate a foot stomp to the belly, but it made a fair bit of contact, and it pushed out a massive fart. The whole class was laughing, it was pretty embrassing shit … so to speak.
this one time when it wasn’t the present time, like, say about before today and any point in time before today to 23 years ago, that some fucked up/bizarre thing that happened to me was fucked up/bizarre because when it happened, the people that gathered incessantly around me were quoted as moaning “man, that was fucked up slash bizarre.” and i agreed because it totally was fucked up/bizarre. from that day on whenever that happened i never forgot about that fucked up/bizarre thing that happened and thanks to this thread i was able to share that fucked up/bizarre thing that happened.
GrassJumper–>ur giving me flashbacks to my own shitty childhood!!
I’m a Phoenix–>ur expeshially ruh-tard @ the moment.
@Grampshumper…..Like any one of those other nuggets wouldn’t have let one rip if your coach stomped on their fart button?
@old man time……he said fart. you’re the only one who had the runzinskies and proper shit in front of their class.
Well chit, since we’re going way back in the day… Sixth grade during class, we all were doing some class work and I started day-dreaming. It was beautiful thoughts of me bangin two girls that sat in front of me.(yes, my pervyness started early homies) As my excitement started reaching towards the top, THE FUCKING FIRE ALARM STARTS GOING OFF! Now since I was hung like a horse since birth, albeit a midget pony of a horse, and wearing sweat pants there was no tucking and hiding… Suffice to say, everyone caught an eyefull of young G rippin through. Now you’d think the alarm followed by the thought of embarrasment to the THOUGHT ACTUALLY COMING TO LIFE would kill some-o-dat swelling right? NO! It was like my elementary ass took a ‘lil blue pill earlier or somen!
Of coarse there was some laughing and teasing and GIRLS RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY SCREAMING! Oddly enough, there are ‘lil sluts at that age. After that day this one cute trailer-trash angel started giving me MAD ATTENTION. That ‘lil princess gave me my first over the clothes handjob and 2nd base sliders. Sometimes good things can surface from the bad. I wonder if she learned that from her fashah?
That’s what I call makin’ somethin’ outta nothin’.
Took a road trip to visit some family a month ago. Driving back about 4 of the 7 hours in. Out of the blue I started getting a serious “gotta shit” pain in my stomach. Saw that the next rest stop was maybe 5 miles away. I figured I had plenty ‘o time to get to the rest stop.
Squeeze out a few carefully measured farts: check. Clench butt cheeks & squirm around a bit: check. Roll down window for cool breeze: check. Look incredibly nervous like a suicide bomber: check. Monitor highway for best possible emergency shit site: check. After trying to convince myself repeatedly that a grown man can “hold it” indefinitely, biology won out. As I broke into a cold sweat wondering if my kids would actually witness their father shit himself (sober), I yanked the steering wheel right & pulled off the highway where the foliage was somewhat overgrown. My wife had no clue what was up & said “What’s wrong?!” I said I gotta go……NOW!! She didn’t even believe me as I don’t usually veer off the road for emergency shits. With seconds to spare I jammed my hand into the glove compartment & grabbed all the spare napkins we had.
I ran towards the bushes only to be greeted by a 4 foot rusty mesh fence? WHAT THE FUCK?! Now I had to hop this rusty fence that had some kind of barbs on top as well!! I somehow managed not to puncture my legs as I hopped it & ran in far enough so the whole world wouldn’t see the 1st proverbial bald bear shitting in the woods. I am not a fan of nature & seeing all these centipedes & gnats scattering when I picked my spot was not very comforting. I yanked my shorts down & squatted. The quantity of butterscotch pudding that I deposited was potentially a Guinness Book record. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a proper witness to verify. Luckily, the location I chose backed onto some wispy branches that captured a sample & deposited it on my hand as I reached back to wipe. While I had enough napkin reserves to wipe it off…..the lingering stench on my finger was overpowering. I could bottle this stuff & monopolize the smelling salts market. After carefully hopping the barbed, rusty fucking fence, I darted back to the car. My wife & kids had big grins on their faces as I slid back into the driver’s seat & pulled onto the road.
90 seconds later I made it to the rest stop. 90 seconds too late of course. Washed my hands like a rape victim taking that 1st post-rape shower. Thank gawd I didn’t need a pumice stone to eliminate the stench. Just the other day my daughters said “Daddy, we could see your butt when you were pooping that day!” Thanks kids.
The sweats are when you know it’s the real deal.
@ frick – NICE!
one time i fell asleep in a car in indiana and woke up in vermont
How can you jump a fence when you gots to shit that bad and blow your top?
^ Adrenaline. Fuck the sweats. That shit sucks.
frick, you never stop amusing me
Missed ya on the chaz FiveBalls
I was at the fights biznatch.
This fucking girl that I’m crazy about stops talking to me when she starts dating someone, a few months after finally giving it up. That was on valentine’s day – then a couple of weeks ago she SHOWS UP AT MY FUCKING HOUSE with a friend. I pretty much said go kick rocks and went downstairs, so she leaves.
Why bitches be trippin?
Yes you previously posted this story and it proves you are very gay! Way Beyond Frick and FBM gay!
That’s saying a lot. Kudos Subos.