Top Five Greatest MMA Fighters Of All Time (New Ranking System by LETIBLEU)
April 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm #25678
After much debate and scrutiny I have put together the most accurate top ten six five list of all time.
All of the top 5 lists I have come across rely on analyzing a fighter’s performance in the cage/ring/backyard/porno video/swimming lessons. This is a flawed way of ranking a fighter. A fighter is much more than his win/loss ratio. Training techniques, devotion, raw natural talent, stamina and mental stability amongst others must be taken into consideration but are far too often overlooked. I analyzed every fighters performances, future skill development, personality, looks, race, genital size (when applicable), Facebook status, education and intangibles which I am not at liberty to divulge or discuss. After careful analysis, the top 5 list comes together without much difficulty and without much thought…
1-Edilberto Souza “Crocota” de Oliveira
To the uneducated MMA fan, “Crocota” is remembered for his fight against Luke Cummo at UFC Fight Night 11. I admit he did look rather silly but that is because it was the coming out party for his new skill set! Joe Rogan noticed that Crocota saw an angel 1 minute into the fight. He was right. Crocota had managed to tap into the spirit world and everyone who saw the movie ‘Ghost’ with Patrick Swayze knows that this is a powerful tool for a mixed martial artist to poses. Unfortunately for Crocota during that fight he had not yet mastered the spirit language and instead of hearing the angel say “watch out for his straight right” he understood “you have gonorrhoea” and then ate a straight right. After the UFC he moved on to lose another 4 fights but once he successfully channels the ghost language, he will be unstoppable. He also has nice teeth is ‘enjoyed’ by most of the male hookers in Bahia Brazil.
This is one of the most technical fighters MMA has seen to date. He utilizes futuristic techniques that will become a staple in every fighter’s arsenal in the years to come. He displayed an early prototype of one of those techniques at UFC 53 against Nick Diaz. He tried a new untested technique which consisted of attempting to block every single punch with his palms. He developed that particular skill by playing Patty Cake for 537 hours with his trainer utilizing the single clap, the double clap, the cross clap, the X clap and the genital clap. It has been rumoured that he was once clocked @ 32 repetitions per minute which would put anyone’s little sister to shame. He admitted after the Cummo fight that his development was too early in its phase to implement during a real fight. After his release from the UFC, Oishi went on to further his repertoire by developing a new advanced form of stand-up never before seen. It involves blocking every single punch with various strategic parts of his face. It is rumoured that he can now can break a fighters hand with a single blow from his chin. Impressive. Matthew Riddle was recently seen trying out the bone breaking face punch technique with limited success at UFC 124.
3-Kalib Axel Rose Starnes
This is a controversial 3rd place pick, I know. The fact of the matter is Starnes is one of the most underrated and elusive fighters in the sport. Look at his UFC 83 fight against Nate Quarry. The fight speaks for itself. The fans booed Nate Quarry into frustration. Machida further developed his fighting style around the moves displayed by Kalib in that fight. He was so evasive that Nate Quarry had to resort to using buffoon techniques to try to hit Starnes. What impresses me the most (this is the reason why he is number three) is after a long 3 round grind against Nate, he then took on 21,390 people because they booed Nate Quarry. That infuriated the crowd and made them hostile to the point that they all wanted to fight him. Show me someone else who has the balls to piss off 21,390 drunken French Canadians! UNREAL! After that fight Dana White was seen scribbling down on the corner of a used napkin “So you want to be a fighter…”
4-Brock Edward Lesnar Jr
On October 26 2009 it was announced that Brock Lesnar was pulling out of his fight against Shane Carwin. For many months there was no news from him and he could not be found anywhere within the United States. He later claimed he was stuck in Canada, the victim of some strange off the wall illness of which nothing could be verified or confirmed. The truth was that he and Rena Mero were in Kislovodsk Mountain Russia where Fedor was manufactured. They extracted an egg from Sable (this took a while because they had trouble finding reproductive organs of any kind) and sperm from Brock to make a genetically modified baby. The couple left the embryo behind to be raised and trained from birth by secret Russian ex –KGB trainers. This baby will be a super monster the size of an Ultra Super Heavyweight but will be trained in boxing and Jiu Jitsu from an early age. He will be a monster. Because of his sheer size and genetics, the American government will only allow him to have sex with horses from fears that he will decimate the female population by pulverizing their internal organs during intercourse. This probably will be the last super mega baby born due to the Chinese genetics slowly creeping into the DNA of every race of the human genome.
5-Patrick Silcruzva Enzo St-Jones
After UFC 129 in Toronto, there was an epidemic of GHB at an after party that George St Pierre, Anderson Silva, Dominick Cruz and Jon Jones were attending. They wound up having a gang bang with some random chick and got her pregnant. Their super sperms ended up stalemating themselves and after a brief caucus the sperm decided to pool their genetics together instead of competing for the one egg. This decision made by the spermatozoid created the most genetically pure athlete the world has ever seen. He will be trained by the best coaches and will have his pro MMA debut at the age of 7. The Athletic Commissions everywhere will have no choice but to modify the current unified MMA regulations for St-Jones specifically. He will be responsible for the second, third, fourth and fifth death in the UFC Octagon (the first being Matt Lindland when he is brought in as a late replacement @ UFC 134 against Dan Henderson). They will shorten the rounds to 1 minute and will eliminate rounds 2 and 3 because that is all the time St-Jones will need to maim anyone who dares fight him. The only reason he is 5th instead of 1st on my list is because it hasn’t happened yet.April 4, 2011 at 3:25 pm #119149
this is a good list. there’s too much emphasis put on fighters records and “skills.” just because sometimes things don’t go right for them at all and they never win doesn’t mean they can’t be number one.April 4, 2011 at 9:01 pm #119190
I would have used Lindland but if he continues to fight I am afraid for his life.April 4, 2011 at 9:27 pm #119198
So much lindland fail. But you almost have to admit his latest fights are more fun to see him get smacked around instead of laying on people.
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