UFC Fighters are Superheroes Too
October 16, 2011 at 1:37 am #27077
Phoenix Jones can’t be the only MMA dude fighting alleged crime with a bottle of pepperspray and a homemade costume. If there’s one, there’s more. Which is my theory about pancakes, clouds, and paradoxes. The underwhelming news of Phoenix Jones valiantly walking around with his fat, out of shape friends in Seattle really hit home because I was there just last week! All I want from Phoenix Jones and any other superhero jaywalking as they please is just to punch the fucking bums that bother me as I wait in line for the clubs. Really bums, get the fuck out my way and stop talking to me. I’m not here dressed like a sexy hot rod of desire for you. Shit.
Anyway, I’ve done some research and I’m 99.9% certain that these UFC fighters are also superheroes. There’ are photoshops of them to prove it!
Crappy artists rendition of Overeem
Alistair Overeem would probably be the leader of the good guys, because he has the most muscles on his body. Including his forehead. Overeem wouldn’t be walking around the streets with some weak ass pepperspray. He’s doing kickflips while skateboarding on a fucking horse, smashing criminals skulls in with an endless supply of Japanese bricks. Which are like regular American bricks, but with dick tentacles.
Every ‘roided out superhero has a team whether they want one or not. Just ask Batman. But you can’t because he’s a fictional character with way more money than you. You know how many times he told Robin to fuck off and the little bitch kept coming back? This doesn’t include Spiderman because he doesn’t have any friends.
When Joe Lauzon isn’t playing Call Of Duty with drunk ass 30 year old fat kids on Xbox Live, he helps save the day as Floppy Disk. Not only is he in charge of ordering dick tentacled bricks, Floppy Disk keeps the good guys safe at his mobile command center. He’s on google maps street view scouring the crime infested burroughs of whatever city that doesn’t really matter here looking for gang fights, gang bangs, drive by shootings, muggings, water gun fights taken too seriously…
Yoshihiro Akiyama a.k.a. Yaki Mandu may lose a lot in the UFC, but just as long as Chris Leben, Vitor Belfort or Pissbang aren’t being hooligans Yaki Mandu will stab your eyes out with his foot long chopsticks and slam them in a mean ass yunagi sushi roll. He also has Skecher wheely shoes to go super fast downhill.
Dominic Cruz and his creepy hands also fights for the good guys. On the streets he’s known as Hand Job. Don’t force him to break up a fight.
Sonnen transforms into this when he logs into twitter. Also, during post-fight interviews. Ok, basically anytime he wants. It’s believed he is in this state 78% of the time. He also likes Terra Nova. Which no one likes. No one. Stupid show. Don’t watch it. Trust me.
No shit Chael Sonnen would be the the head honcho of the bad guys, right! I mean, the dude is just a twitter post away from robbing a bank of orphaned babies just to get Anderson Silva to tap him again. If there was one thing Sonnen was good at (and it’s not winning the championship belt…lol remember when Paulo Filho subbed him like, 5 times in the WEC) it’s having people react to what he says. He’s such an obvious bullshitter. Somehow it works because every other day on the UFC blogo-mah-sphere there’s a stupid Chael Sonnen quote.
The Diaz brothers start riots, make people butthurt and they consistently use their middle fingers in place of vocabulary. Nick will also schedule a fight with you behind Henry’s Jr Market after dinner time next Tuesday and not even show up. That makes you SOOOOO angry doesn’t it. They don’t need a villain name because fuck that shit.
The story of Josh Koscheck starts with him peeing on Chris Leben. As I recall in season one of The Ultimatest Fighter Leben was sleeping in bed, mouth wide open, when Koscheck whipped out his pee pee and straight hard-pissed into Leben’s mouth. No kidding. Koscheck wanted his name to be Strong Guy but everyone decided that was pretty queer so they picked Butt Taint Boy.
Paul Harris was recruited by Chael Sonnen back in 1984 when Paul Harris was still learning how to stop being a retard. If it weren’t for this Paul Harris wouldn’t be such a douche during fights and would have been able to be a fully functioning member of society. He chose the name El Estupido.
So if one day you’re minding your own business with a gaggle of friends, strolling down the street, snacking on some delicious burrito’s from Chipotle and you get killed by a big black guy kickflipping on top of a horse while your eyes get poked out by chopsticks as you get punched a lot of times in the stomach by a GI JOE hand and a really big baby hand in your stomach you should have thought twice about not holding the door open for that kind old lady as you left the Chipotle establishment. Lesson learned.October 16, 2011 at 4:17 am #136236
Google Street View……HA!!October 16, 2011 at 9:24 am #136242
lololOctober 16, 2011 at 11:00 pm #136253
hahaha you’re fuckin nuts manOctober 17, 2011 at 12:58 am #136254
this needs to be front pageOctober 17, 2011 at 1:34 am #136260
^secondedededOctober 17, 2011 at 6:36 pm #136634
Butt Taint Boy already has the frizzy bleached superhero hair. You’re on to something!October 18, 2011 at 3:43 am #136698
thanks guys. always nice to read nice things.
and koscheck’s head hair is totally from his taint. it was when he was training the UFC is a boy in whatever the fuck city he is from and he got punched in the taint and the hairs shot through his body, emerging out his top head to form that stupid afro he has. long butt story short, koscheck is a shit head.
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