(“No, Lyoto, mouth-to-mouth *won’t* help!”)
The topic of MMA discussion has an actual direction with UFC 113 taking place tonight, so we don’t need to sit around asking theoretical questions like “Can Roy Nelson do pushups?” and “Does Patrick Cote have Homer Simpson Syndrome?”
Obviously, the most buzzed-about match is the second go round of Lyoto Machida and Shogun Rua. Opinions on this fight are like buttholes – they’re all worn out. I’m tired of hearing about all the redundant talking points that have flooded comment sections and message boards since October. It really doesn’t matter who you think won the first fight since they’re having an immediate rematch, which is the ‘my bad’ mulligan of a controversial decision.
The story of the fight went a little something like this: Shogun kicked Machida in the legs, Machida punched Shogun in the face. Despite the offense ratio being about three kicks for every one punch, retard judges said you can’t finish an opponent by hitting them in the leg, so Lyoto got the decision by default.
That being said, nobody has been able to convince me that the first fight was nothing more than an anomaly, a glitch in the Machida-Matrix. It’s rare to see a fighter at this level be unable to adapt and put a piece of plywood over their broken window of a weakness. Lyoto, despite drinking his own pee every morning, isn’t a stupid guy. He knows that Shogun has a plan A, plan B all the way through plan 9 meticulously mapped out and drilled to perfection in the past seven months.
But if “>montages in 80s movies have taught us anything, it’s the fact that karate guys learn lessons easily. Lyoto is gonna be ready for anything Shogun has in his little knapsack of skills. He’ll be too far away for leg kicks to be effective, too quick to be countered, too conditioned to lose steam and too smart to risk hitting the floor. Yawn. Expect this one to feel as long and painful as a Rousimar Palhares heel hook. Lyoto Machida retains his belt by unanimous decision tonight.