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$kala tells the media, “Stroke the shaft before cupping the balls.”

I know what you’ve been thinking lately, hardcore fight fan. While everyone else is sitting around with thoughts like “How am I going to pay my mortgage this month?” and “Where did I leave my kid? Damn, I should stop smoking weed,” there’s only one question on your mind: “Where the hell is Jared Shaw?” You can stop living a life of uncertainty. Ariel Helwani over at was lucky enough to be the first guy to get a hold of $kala since the trainwreck collapse of EliteXC.

Where have you been since we last heard from you in October 2008?
I just took some much needed rest and reflection on the years that we put into MMA, and I am definitely proud of what we accomplished. Other than that, I have been working on my fighters. I have plenty of great professional boxers: Gary Russell Jr., Chad Dawson, Alfredo Angullo, Chris Avalos, and a couple of other prospects I have been looking at. I have just been managing their careers, putting them in positions to win titles and be champions.*

In your opinion, was there any correlation between the demise of the promotion and the Seth Petruzelli “standgate” story following his shocking win over Kimbo Slice on October 4th?
No, absolutely not.**

There has been a ton criticism thrown your way since the demise of the company. What do you think of all that has been said by former colleagues of yours?
…. Look, the one job that I think is kind of like fantasy football or fantasy baseball to everybody is being a matchmaker***, and not everybody can hold that position in a company because not everybody has an eye for talent and because if you got too many chefs in the kitchen, there’s no cook.**** ….. I know what I brought to the table, and I think people from the inside who really understand the sport, I think they know what I brought to the table.

Finally, since this is your first time talking to the media since the demise of EliteXC, is there anything you would like to get off your chest?
I thank the fans for a great ride, especially Showtime and CBS for believing in a product from scratch. My biggest thank you is to all the fighters….. I want everyone to keep watching MMA because if they don’t it will just be a fad, and it deserves to be a sport. And I look forward to April 11th (the first Strikeforce telecast on Showtime), I will definitely be watching that fight.

Will you be there?
Maybe I will be there.

You never know.

That $kala. So mysterious. Maybe he’ll show up. Maybe he’ll stay at home. Maybe he’ll leap out of the crowd screaming like a prepubescent teenager during the main event because he had serious money on his boy Nick Diaz. You just never know with that guy.

* They better hope he doesn’t “manage” their careers like he did Kimbo’s.

** Totally. There’s also no correlation between smoking and cancer, global warming and pollution, or Larry the Cable Guy’s rise to fame and increasing suicide rates. Media myths.

*** Except you can get drunk and do some fantasy football online at three in the morning. Generally, that’s not a good way to put together a fight card. Trial and error, I supose.

**** I would tend to think there would then be multiple cooks putting their culinary ideas together to form the best possible dish.