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How Ryan Bader can combat the mastery of Sensei Seagal’s wisdom

After knocking Randy Couture stupid with a crane kick, Lyoto Machida gave the credit of perfecting the technique to Sensei Steven Seagal, who has formed an alliance with Black House fighters, and will probably be helping Machida out for his upcoming fight against Ryan Bader as well.

Here’s a suggestion for the Bader camp: hire Jean Claude Van Damme. Hell, what better way to combat the mastery of a martial arts/action movie icon then to hire his greatest counterpart of the genre. During the 90’s these two were the goods. It was like back in the 70’s when Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee were the top martial dogs, and they finally fought it out in Return of the Dragon. It’s a shame that no movie director ever had the vision to pit Seagal and Van Damme together on the silver screen. Think about it, circa 1990, Segal did Out for Justice, where he received international acclaim for his dead-on-balls Brooklyn accent, while Van Damme did Lionheart, which took dramatic acting to new and exciting levels. If not for that damn overrated Dances with Wolves the same year, Van would have been a lock for that Oscar.

If Seagal can teach lifelong martial artists such as Lyoto Machida and Anderson Silva simple techniques that have worked against the sport’s best, then certainly Van Damme can have similar success with Bader. Maybe he can show him how to knock guys out with that slow-ass, painfully telegraphed high kick he loves so much, or maybe he can show him how to toughen up that shin bone by kicking down a tree. The possibilities are limitless.

The point is that Black House is revolutionary, they’re thinking outside the box with Seagal. Other camps had better get their shit together and start contracting some ex-movie stars before it’s too late. Bolo Yeung is still around, ya know, the big Asian guy with the gargantuan chesticles. Sonny Chiba is still around too, as is Jim Kelly. These camps better not wait too long, all these guys are old as hell.

  • BobbyMaGee

    Wrap your head around this. Bolo Yeung was 43 when he was in Bloodsport.

  • burnintrees

    This article is fckn brilliant!!!

  • theinsaneoneJustinMcCully

    “Bolo began his martial arts training at the age of 10″
    “Bolo met Bruce Lee while the two were filming a Winston cigarettes commercial.”

    This guy’s street cred never ends

  • frickshun


  • Fightlinker

    “Winston. The cool taste that helped me becaome a martial arts champion. HI-YAH!”

  • theinsaneoneJustinMcCully
  • Henri


  • glassjawsh

    you lost me at not being funny

  • better than this

    Steven Seagal is an old fat pompous guy, but he’s also an unbelievable martial artist. He did in his martial arts career (before he did any movies) what many people don’t accomplish in their entire lives. He’s turned into something less admirable but you can’t take his expertise away from him. He’s the real thing and there’s a reason he’s getting the credit for his instruction. If you dumbasses think you know more than a guy like Machida then you’re effin stupid.

  • Burak

    I think you just listed on disc queue on our Blockbuster movie pass acnuoct. Cheesy actions movie’s are the #1 thing we rent to watch. My life spends more time making fun of the movie then watching it, but it does make them more laughable. She is a true fan, and it comes down to a fact that we both have seen every movie so many times that we know them by heart, but once every couple of years we have to load the queue up with our favorite action movies and watch them. We are definitely getting our $10.00 a month out of it. I also got her hooked on streaming movies to the computer through the movie pass as well, she says the only thing Expendables 2 looks like it is missing is Steven Seagal and I think she may be right. The nice thing is I can torture my coworkers at DISH with horrible Steven Seagal one liners for a month or so.