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Jake upgrades from “Ignorant Ass” to “Complete Idiot”

(Fightlinker note – as an anniversary gift to my hetero site-partner Jake, I picked up a copy of the Idiot’s Guide to Ultimate Fighting. Not only would he get to soak in the juicy UFC propaganda, but he’d be able to provide you all with a nice review! Enjoy.)

There’s been talk around Fightlinker that everyone’s favorite sidekick is getting increasingly more knowledgeable when it comes to the realm of mixed martial arts. It’s not easy playing fiddle to Ryan’s banjo, especially since I got in the MMA game pretty late. Hell, by the time I started watching, the Ortiz golden age had long ended, and Georges St. Pierre was already on his knees begging for a title shot (for the second time – a piece of advice for all you novice fighters: by begging, you might just get a disproportionate amount of title fights, even if your english is terrible!).

Well, it’s finally time for me to reveal my secret to success: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Ultimate Fighting”. Yes, I decided that for the good of the website, and the MMA world, I was simply going to have to bite the bullet and read this tome of infinite wisdom. The difference one afternoon makes, i tell you!

For those of you not “in the know”, the book was written by Rich Franklin and Jon F. Merz. The second guy is apparently a Ninjitsu Master, which basically means that the only thing he can do in the Octagon is throw a gas pellet and slit his opponent’s throat. It’s impossible to tell just who wrote what, although one thing clearly shines through the entire tome: Franklin wasn’t over his loss.

If you all remember, the book was written in the interim between Franklin’s first loss and subsequent rematch with Anderson Silva. With his spectacular defeat still making all the highlight reels, no doubt Franklin was still recovering from having his nose busted while putting ink to paper. It’s apparent throughout the book, as he endlessly goes on about the need to defend and master the clinch. The most prophetic moment comes near the end, of course, in the section “Building a Game Plan”

” …if the opponent is a gifted Muay Thai stylist renowned for his use of the clinch to deliver an awesome barrage of knee strikes, then the fighter will train to defend himself against such attacks. By constantly putting himself on the receiving end during practice, he will gain confidence in dealing with that situation. Hopefully, it will keep him protected during the fight, forcing the opponent to abandon or at least temporarily sideline that particular weapon and try something else.”

Wow. That’s really all you can say in hindsight. I mean, we all know what happened. Rich did as his book foretold: he tried valiantly to protect himself in the clinch, but unfortunately for him, Silva failed to abandon his atomic knees to the face.

Apart from Richie’s Nostradamus moments, the book reads like your typical guide, focusing strongly on grappling and defending/achieving better positioning, and training. Although there is a strong odor of sex from sucking Zuffa’s collective cocks, it never feels like it’s shilling too much. We all recognize the current domination of the UFC in the world of MMA. Had this been the Idiot’s Guide to EliteXC, it would have felt more like a press release than a book.

Still, it’s worth it just to see how many times Rich uses the word “God” (Ed’s Note – 47 times) when talking about his own story. There is, unfortunately, no parting thoughts on the wrecking ball that is Silva, but no doubt that too would have merited a shout out to the Lord, presumably, in the “Oh God, don’t let him hit me again” variety.

  • dignan

    Rich wrote it, he just didn’t read it. As far as sidekicks go, I thought you were talking about that fucker Gurgel…whom I now like to call Jorge “The best punching bag in the business” Gurgel.

    I find it AMAZING how many of these fighters are bible thumpers, since God can’t be on everyones side in a fight(and we all know God chooses sides like a human does.) and with the amount of debauchery that goes on in the sport, i.e. 2 girls one Randy.

    The only way it would be okay for Rich to write about it in a sentence would be…”God I took a serious beating.”

  • frickshun

    Congrats on your shiny new write-up. It was not hateful enough for my taste. Do me a favor though, take a look @ Franklin’s career fights & see why he is incredibly overrated. Besides Silva, the 2nd best fighter he faced beat him (Machida). The only fight he impressed me in was against The Crow. Looking at his tailspin, it’s not so impressive any more.

  • marshal

    We can only hope that this book will help use the correct term “UFC” instead of that retarded “MMA”

  • Mobb Deep

    I heard Anderson Silva is coming out with his own book. It will be titled “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Destroying Rich Franklin’s Complete Idiot’s Guide to Ultimate Fighting.”

  • frickshun

    Mobb–>funny guy! Had to contain the laughter in my office.

    I think Rich’s follow-up will be “How to properly fashion Silly Putty back into a nose shape”. Did anyone else notice b4 his last fight that his nose looked like it was on the wrong face? Kind of a Mr. Potato Head effect.

  • intenso

    dignan…I can’t think of any reason why fighters wouldn’t be religious.
    First, many martial arts has, of course, a long history of being tied to religion. Monks of Eastern religions invented or perfected or were the keepers of many forms of martial arts.
    Also, most people in the US are Christians, and of course religion is even more important to Latin cultures that produce many fighters in the US.
    There isn’t anything (that I know of) in any Western religions that says you can’t participate in sports, even sports where you have to beat somebody up to win. Plenty of football players are Christians, and hurling your body helmet first towards the torso of your opponent isn’t any less violent than punching somebody in the face.

  • intenso

    well-written review, Jake.

  • c-ing_red

    God loves fighters that love cocaine and sluts!!!!

    Hookers and blow FTW?

  • Asa

    That quote cannot be fucking real. Funny as shit, but also full of it.

  • marshal