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Jon Koppenhaver is getting out of jail

We have a general policy around not to follow any MMA personalities into too dark of a hole. We like our mockery to be shallow and flippant, and making fun of fighters who have gone and gotten themselves killed or jailed just seems dickish. Hence why we stopped covering Jon Koppenhaver when he ended up in prison for a year. But good news! We can start up again now that he’s getting back out! Has the man legally known as War Machine learned his lesson, I wonder?

I stand by my actions to this day and believe that EVERY human has the right to defend themselves or others, if they believe there is a threat to their safety. I’m not a “criminal,” I don’t rob and steal, and I don’t sell dope to kids… Humans have a “fight or flight” mechanism built into them and in a split second decision, where my best buddy got into a fight out of the blue, and I saw 2 guys running to jump in, my instincts had me attempt to defend him and there was no way for me to discern that one happened to be a bouncer and he got hit. So what I really “learned” about that night and about other times I’ve gotten into street fights, and how to avoid them and avoid trouble in the future is simply: DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN SITUATIONS / PLACES WHERE FIGHTS CAN HAPPEN. If a drug addict wants to stay clean, he needs to not be around people or places where drugs are, SIMPLE SOLUTION. My instinct to fight father than flee would have helped my survival in past ages, however in this age, it only puts me in jail.

Like I’ve always said, “I don’t get in fights at the grocery store.” So I’m confident, in fact I KNOW, if I avoid bars/clubs/parties, I will NEVER be put in a situation again that will require the activation of my “fight or flight” instinct. That is the main lesson I have learned. If you have a problem, alcohol, drugs, gangs, violence, WHATEVER, and you TRULY want to STOP, you MUST eliminate EVERYTHING (friends, spouses, lifestyle) that brings your problem into being. I hope that some of you reading this that have a problem, and want to avoid America’s inhumane system of punishment, will learn from MY LOSS OF A YEAR OF LIFE and prevent yourself from the same or worse. This will be my LAST blog from jail, the next time you hear from me I’ll be a free man again.

Okay, so he still hasn’t admitted that getting into that last brawl was ‘his fault’, but at least he’s identified the fact that he needs to stay the hell away from certain areas lest his inner alpha dog explodes outward and serves up a justice sandwich full of smashed bro-face. Good luck on the outside, War Machine. You are much more entertaining when doing pornography, attacking pornographers, and getting spit-bagged than you are in jail. So for that reason alone, I hope you stay out of trouble and out of the clink!

  • agentsmith

    I wonder if he’ll go back to MMA or porn first.

    FYI, here’s his resume:

  • CAP

    I give him 1 year before he’s back in.

  • scissors61

    he’ll be back in the can so fast. and we’ll all be better off for it. 


  • Sodomize Intolerance

    Did anyone else notice his “fight father” Freudian slip?

  • Reverend Clint

    hopefully he gets raped in an alley

  • iamphoenix

    he tore his ass hairs out from his ass with his fingers. true story.

  • frickshun

    Smith–>I like how they needed the comments section on his bio to finish tattoo descriptions!!

    Anyway, I don’t get all the hate……

  • CAP

    Don’t worry. The porn industry will straighten him out.

  • John N Natalie Desmarais

    Are you guys still following him? You know, now that he is facing attempted murder charges?