After spending a year in county jail, Jon ‘War Machine’ Koppenhaver seemed ready to turn over a new leaf. A few months after his release he fought and KO’d Roger Huerta and was scheduled to compete in Bellator’s Season 6 welterweight tournament. Unfortunately, past assaults came back to haunt him and he was incarcerated for another year over a fight with a bouncer in 2009. As before, he’s blogging his experience in the American penal system and it’s a fascinating look into the day to day life of prisoners and their psyche.
Man, I’m hurting inside real bad tonight, I have so much anger, hate, pain, and confusion inside. And I’m helpless, I’m locked in this box…
I wanna talk to someone, one of my friends, I feel really alone right now. F*ck man, I never cried for sh*t my last year, and this time it seems I’m always mustering up all I have inside, all my strength, to stop the tears from falling. I’m just so f*cking discouraged. Just when I was about to get back on my feet, I got blind-sided by this bullshit. I’m gonna get out again, no money, out of shape, skills rusted, and this time with no wife, nothing. Start from scratch again. It was hard last time, but I had support and I was strong and confident that the B.S. was over, I thought I had a clean slate and I was motivated. Right now I feel really self-destructive, my spirit is weak this time around. I have never understood the idea of “cutting.” You know those people who cut into their arms all the time? Right now I want to cut into my f*cking face. I’ve been beating on it with my fists, and it helps relieve some of the pain I feel, but I really wish I could cut it.
I remember watching a documentary about Mike Tyson and listening to him describe why he got his face tattoos and him saying that he hates himself, hates to see himself. Right now, I feel that way. I f*cking hate myself. That’s prolly another reason why I’m a bad husband or b/f, also why I hate receiving gifts and avoid holidays… because I f*cking hate myself so much and I hate to have someone care about me. I love to care about people though, I want to die for them, those I care for. I wish I could die saving them, so then they could know how much I love them. That’s why I am the best friend – if I have one quality, it is that. Like a Spartan that prays he can die in battle, I wish I could die for those I love. I f*cking hate my life. I shouldn’t be alive, I should have died at birth, but the f*cking doctor saved me. I’d rather have choked to death on my umbilical cord. Technology/medicine/doctors, they made me live when I shouldn’t have, that’s why my life is f*cked, why I don’t fit, I wasn’t supposed to be.
I feel better today, but I guess that’s how this year in jail’s gonna be, an emotional roller coaster. Part of me wants to erase what I wrote last night, it’s embarrassing to show my weaknesses, but f*ck it, I won’t. And that’s what separate me from the other athletes, from other people in the spotlight, I’m not afraid to be human. I don’t want to be one way in public and another behind closed doors. I want people to be able to relate to me, to see my troubles and be able to compare themselves to me. Maybe my struggles can help someone else in a similar situation. I’m not a faker, I hate liars, hate phonies. Right now, I’m in a struggle, but I’m gonna win. I’m gonna take all of this and bottle it up, rage on it, and unleash it upon my release. Train harder, fight meaner, and let my success be a giant F*CK YOU to all the cowards that keep trying to hold me back. Bellator Season 7 Tourney can’t come soon enough.
I will get back up.
For those keeping count, this will be the third time Koppenhaver will try and get into Bellator. First time round, he said some stuff about Obama that got him released (stuff that wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow on Fox Nation). Second time, back to jail. Third time’s a charm? Call me crazy, but I’m rooting for him. The only thing he’s really good at is punching faces in, so I hope that works out for him.
After the jump, War Machine’s plan to escape to a magical land of true freedom and liberty gets a 2012 update.
Then, as soon as this cowardly ass government stops holding me hostage in this country, against my will (probation), I’m gone! Goodbye USA. I’m going to take myself to a country where they don’t punish men for being MEN. My children will be raised knowing the dangers posed to men by the United States, and God willing, I’ll live to see the day America FALLS. With their gigantic, irresponsible amount of national debt and with the way THEY BULLY the other countries of the world, it is only a matter of time! And at such time, the U.S. government will look around their lands for capable warriors, the same type of capable warriors that initially built America as a haven for MEN, and for FREEDOM. But they will find none! None left to defend her borders because all the good warrior genes have been either destroyed, bred out by the softness of her system, or in cases like myself. G-O-N-E. Gone to live in a real land of freedom, far far away! F*ck you politicians! F*ck you judges and DA’s! F*ck you for raping our country! F*ck you for exploiting police officers, using them to enforce your bullsh*t, unjust and immoral laws. It’s no different than when Hitler used the brave soldiers and cops of his country to enforce his unjust and immoral laws, NO DIFFERENT! Hitler started out with baby steps, infringing rights a lil’ here, a lil’ there, until BAM! No one knew what hit them. I can only wait and see what ultimate evil lay in wait for the future of America and all of you better mark my words because it’s coming. America can’t keep me down though because I’m not a real criminal! They may have got me for 2 years of my life, but now I’m hip to them. They f*cked up in showing me their battle lines… I’m a winner with an OLD spirit, one that’s been in wars since ever since, and I will NOT make the same mistake again!