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Jon Koppenhaver, tyrant of the Philippines

Sometimes I have no idea how I miss covering certain stories, like the series of blogs posted by Jon “War Machine” Koppenhaveer where he talks about the ‘rules of a weak society’ preventing him from smashing in the faces of douches who deserve it. It might be understandable for a normal human being to vent and bitch about something like that once, but only a guy like Jon would be obsessed to the point where he decides to move to the Philippines because he thinks he can kick the shit out of people whenever he wants to.

So the plan is to move to the Philippines in the next two years. There the money I make in the UFC will make me very wealthy and there I will not have to hold back when someone deserves to get smashed.

I wont have to be less of a man in order to prevent getting in trouble with the “law”
I will be able to live my life how I want and deserve to live. I will train all day and fuck all night. Maybe one day I will find a wife, if not it’s okay. I will bring my boxing coach and my jiu-jitsu coach with me. Build a team from scratch…this will be a great life. Hopefully before I am 55 I will die in a knife fight outside of some bar. Avoiding the midlife crisis all together.

This is the life of an Alpha Male like me. We are not supposed to grow old and wait around to die. We are supposed to fight, kill and fornicate. Tempt fate more and more with each passing year…and just as we start to become weaker and older a younger Alpha kills us and takes our place.

I hate to be the one to piss in Jon’s corn flakes, but I’m pretty sure a foreigner in the Philippines will get his ass tossed in jail a lot faster than he would in America. Or he ends up in some kind of wacky ‘Only the Strongest” scenario, he’ll end up carved up and hung from a tree by his ankles.

  • Hattori Hanzo Gracie

    Guy was born in the wrong century

  • Gong

    My people will take care of this man.

  • Preach

    “…So I have pretty much decided that in the next couple of years I am gonna move somewhere LESS CIVILIZED…”

    “…Hopefully before I am 55 I will die in a knife fight outside of some bar…”

    Well, Jon, move somewhere LESS CIVILIZED. Then you don’t have to worry about having midlife crisis, cause as soon as you pull the shit you’re talking about, someone will pull a gun, not a knife, on you, shoot you in the guts, and you’ll be lying in your own blood, pissing and shitting yourself and crying for your mommy. You know… a true warriors death…

  • Garth

    matt polly’s book had several instances when talking about the shaolin of old
    “Until the invention of the gun…”
    and the like. so, go ahead and smash away mister k.

  • Fatal Error

    Why wait until 55? You could get killed in a knife fight today if you really put your mind to it. Go for it War Machine!

  • iamphoenix

    i’m an alpha male and i just shit my pants and punched it to make myself stop crying.

  • mmaboyboy

    Koppenhaver thinks that the flips love the foreigners. Well, the poorer ones do but the middle class people tend to hate foreigners. But if he creates a good gym here, I have no problem with that.

  • Garth

    dude’s got serious emotional problems.

  • Did Keith Jardine wake up yet?

    Is koppenhaver part flip or something?

    Why the phillipines?

    Anyway, he is a COMPLETE dipshit. He’ll be lucky to make it to 30, let alone 55.

  • Dangerfield

    Comon you gotta be atleast 6 foot to be a Alpha male. fucking welters

  • Garth

    alpha midget?

  • EdenMachine

    Yeah, he might be an Alpha Male in his own weight class but in the real world – there are no weight classes and he’s definitely some REAL Alpha Male’s little soon-to-be bitch in the Phillipines. lol

  • dignan

    Middle age is 40.

    Someone will Kali his ass in about 3 secords after he steps of the plane.

    This guy is beyond moronic, and obviously has no idea what hes talking about. He also isn’t going to last very long in the UFC after getting his ass kicked.

    So…what he really wants is to fight scrubs on the street who have no training.

  • Hattori Hanzo

    rules of society could be so darn restricing

  • Tertio

    Hes a shitstain.

  • smoogleton

    Congrats, it only took you a little over a month to comment on this!

  • MrNiceGuyMMA

    War Machine owns

  • MarleyMarl

    Fucking dude is smoking crack haha

  • Foojita

    Perhaps he’s been reading up on Nazi eugenics.

  • Matt

    Dude has watched 300 one too many times.

  • natureboy

    War Machine better brush up on his Michael Jackson dance moves.

  • Mowgli

    War Machine is retarded. I might understand if he was a good fighter like Chuck or Wanderlei saying something like that, but being a shitstain that didn’t even make the Semis on TUF and has 1 (maybe 2 if he’s lucky and wins the 1st one) fight left in the UFC, he’s just making himself look like he rode the short bus to school. The guy is a tool and I hope he gets his wish and somebody stabs him to death (make it slow and painful, idiots like him deserve to “enjoy a warrior’s death”, none of this gun BS). As for being able to live his “The Greatest Game” fantasy in the Philippines, I hope he tries to steal to survive and gets his hands cut off by some demented shopkeeper or cop, or made some he-she’s bitch in a Philippino prison.

  • filipino

    funny im filipino and from the philippines. and its laughable that a dude from a first world country would go to a third world country and wanna kick ass… hahaha. this guy is gonna get killed.but i admire him for his courage.he thinks the sport fighting that he has would save him from getting killed..crazy…sport fighting and streetfighting a guy from poverty is totally different shit(ask the u.s military stationed here before)..he thinks a fight would end here with a beatdown…no shit… if he fights a guy from the ghetto he should prepare to kill and be killed… though i agree with him that first world country is a weak society.good luck my friend..also if he goes south of the country… in mindanao theres a place there where they challenge you to a bolo fight and you must fight bolo to bolo(sword to sword) or he can go to the province samar and leyte… there they really like knives and fight to the death… if he’s really an alpha male

  • filipino

    by the way the u.s marine convicted of raping a filipina.was detained in the u.s embassy .because when he was being brought to the penitentiary.all the inmates sang simoultanously the love song beautiful girl to the poor white dude…. so they had to rush him to the embassy up to now.the name is corporal articles on the net

  • kentyman

    It’s all fun and games until someone shoves an Eskrima bastón up your pee-hole.

    That’s what I always say.