Like everyone else, my main thought when North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died last Thursday was, “Wow, he made it 69 years without pooping.” But the inventor of the hamburger also had many other achievements which even separately would each make him the greatest person in the history of mankind.
This is the type of guy who would return from a record-setting round of golf and then promptly send you and your entire family to a gulag because you used his ashtray. He spent $800,000 a year on Hennessy, but that didn’t stop him from composing six operas in two years. This guy not only made Joe Rogan look dumb for saying “you can’t stop the Internet” by successfully cutting off an entire country from all outside information, he kidnapped a South Korean director and forced him to create a domestic Godzilla ripoff. So the North Koreans really aren’t missing much anyway.
Kim Jong Il also took a personal interest in the training of his bodyguards, and any one of them would put our wussy Western-hemisphere-residing MMA fighters to shame. Mike Swick posted on twitter that the footage above is newly released, but it’s ” target=”_blank”>been around for a while (even though it is of dubious authenticity), a fact that pays homage to Kim’s time-and-reality-distortion field as much as it does to our prior negligence.
According to this indisputable video evidence, the bodyguards hit stuff from the moment they wake up, smash 11 bricks at a time with their fists, drive nails through planks with their heads, shoot eight targets per minute (all through the heart, of course, while simultaneously doing acrobatics), have two-by-fours smashed over every limb, put blocks of concrete over their faces so another guy can hit the blocks of concrete with a sledgehammer, pull a truck full of people with their bare hands, dodge flying knives, smash glass with their bare feet, and of course, do lots of tae kwon do. And they do all of this completely voluntarily, because if they don’t, Kim Jong-Il will starve their children to death. But whatever. If he produces awesome killers like these, the world needs more leaders like Kim Jong Il.