It looks like Duane “Bang” Ludwig will no longer have to ask for signatures of random losers on Facebook so that his knockout of Jonathan Goulet almost six years ago can be recognized as the UFC’s fastest ever. The adulation-hungry Ludwig was informed on Saturday via the post-Myspace home of Internet attention whoring, Twitter, that the UFC is changing the official time of his 2006 fight to four seconds. This means that we all have newfound respect for him as a ninja and love him with every part of our bodies, especially our peepees. According to BleacherReport, Ludwig was thrilled that he is now THE MAN:
“One of my students, Blake, actually texted me on Christmas Eve saying, ‘Congrats,’” Ludwig, 33, recently explained to Bleacher Report. “I said, ‘Thank you, but congrats on what?’ Blake texted back, saying that Mr. Dana White tweeted me saying, ‘For (Christmas), you have the fastest KO in UFC history and it will be changed ASAP.’
“I said, ‘Thank you,’ pulled up Twitter and (saw) Mr. White’s tweet and was so happy. I screamed, ‘F yeah!’ pretty loud and tweeted Mr. White back, saying, ‘Thank you!’ I started texting a few people like my wife, Bas Rutten, my manager, Sven Bean and a few others. I replied to a few tweets and was just so happy.”
Unfortunately for Ludwig, his goal of being universally worshiped will not be completely realized, as the NSAC has concluded after lengthy consultations with its lawyers that the four seconds of the Ludwig-Goulet fight is REQUIRED to carry the legal name “11 seconds” from now until the apocalypse. Yes, that’s right, America has strayed so far from its “Land of the Free” moniker that even time itself is imprisoned by the the red tape of government bureaucracy. That’s it, I’m off to join Jeff Monson.
Ludwig would also probably prefer to ignore the fact that an officially-recognized two-second knockout happened when Ryohei Masuda met Takahiro Kuroishi in a &feature=player_embedded#%21″ target=”_blank”>2008 RINGS fight. But whatever. Duane is such a ninja that we probably can’t even see his tears fall before they run off to slash someone’s throat somewhere. The Ludwig-Goulet fight can be seen here.