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Luke Cummo suspended by Ohio Athletic Commission

UFC fighter Luke Cummo has been suspended three months for failing a random drug test administered by the Ohio Athletic Commission. The test, conducted after his loss against Luigi Fioravanti at Saturday’s UFC 82 event, showed that Cummo had extremely elevated caffeine levels beyond anything the commission had ever seen before.

“Normally we don’t pay that much attention to the level of caffeine in a fighter’s blood,” said OAC commissioner Warren Petty. “But Luke Cummo’s readings were off the chart. At first we thought there must be a mistake with the test, but follow ups showed that our original findings were accurate. This guy must have been tripping balls in the Octagon.”

Athletic Commission standards allow a fighter to have up to 800mg of caffeine in their system. Luke Cummo is said to have over 23,000mg in his system during the post fight test. In his defense, Luke Cummo released the following statement explaining the test results:

Before the fight I pumped three litres of coffee up my rectum as part of an enema to break up persistent gallstones. Never did I imagine that a procedure I perform on myself regularly would result in my suspension. While I am disappointed at the narrow mindedness of the OAC and it’s inability to recognize the benefits of drinking urine and performing coffee enemas, I accept their ruling.

Cummo’s agent Ken Pavia was angered to hear the news of his client’s suspension. “It’s terrible, just terrible. No one takes better care of themselves than Luke Cummo. He eats nothing but mud and sticks, for God’s sake. For the OAC to suspend him because he likes to put stuff up his ass is absurd. If they’re going to suspend every fighter who does that, there won’t be anyone left to compete.”

When asked for his comment on the latest suspension, UFC president Dana White said “He put what up his where? Are you fucking serious???”

  • Matt (but I signed up as Mr. Unbelievable Pants)

    Is it April 1 already?
    I LOLd.

  • Lifer

    har har

  • Fightlinker Jackal

    Nice one ;)

  • DannyP72

    I was with you up till ‘tripping balls’

  • MacDaddy

    Shit, I just laughed and coffee came out my nose (for real)!!! MY NOSE, NOT MY ASS….

  • Omomatta

    Starbucks should check this angle. Free enema w/purchase of gigantor frappuccino. They could call it the “Cummoccino”.

  • #1 jackal

    I dont beleive it. SOURCE???

    jj, that was a good one, had me going for the 1st 3 paragraphs.

  • MacDaddy

    Cummoccino, argh, it hurts to laugh!!

  • nephildevil

    hahahaha wtf!? :D

  • Cornflex

    LOL… funniest MMA news ever!! LOL

  • Cornflex

    Dana’s comment made me shit my pants too! LOOL
    Maybe some coffie up my ass could help? :D

  • Dangerfield

    I’ll be honest and say that I had to read it twice before I realized it was a joke.

  • fightfan

    If fighters are allowed to have 800 mg….the I would have to imagine a rough estimate making that the equivalent of 4 cups of coffee.

    So at 23,000, that would be like having the level of caffeine in about 110 cups of coffee, AT ONE TIME. I guess “tripping balls” is a fair statement.

    Word to Luke…No more piss, start eating some protein and put on some muscle mass. He looked so weak at weigh ins. No offense to the dude, but he looked as though he would of struggled to get out of a wet paper bag

  • fightfan

    That was a pretty good one. Then again I’m definitely a good candidate for shit like that!!

  • godzillad

    These fake quotes are teh win.


    You’ve inspired some epic idiocy on Sherdog. Not that that’s terribly difficult.

  • dignan

    Cummo rules.

  • RipTheSystem
  • MMAStation

    lol. check out the article on subfighter

  • MMAStation
  • operator

    Holy fuck he must have been speeding out. I seen on manswers that you get fucked up fast from beer enemas I can’t imagine what coffee would do to ya. At what point does the level off caffine in the human body become lethal.

  • Da Twin

    For the OAC to suspend him because he likes to put stuff up his ass is absurd. If they’re going to suspend every fighter who does that, there won’t be anyone left to compete.

    come on know how many fighters do u think would stick anything up there ass, Luke is a fag. So is his agent for thinking that they wouldnt be any fighters to compete if the althletic comission suspended every fighter that sticks something up there ass

  • ruggertenthousand

    The commission did not take into consideration the following:
    Caffeine is a diuretic. For a normal person, you drink a cup of coffee and piss it out = no problem.
    But when Luke has say 3 cups of coffee and pisses it out and then drinks the piss… = multiple pressed caffeine like fuckin’ grappa…
    It’s like drinking 12 cups of coffee….
    I can’t wait ’till he goes before the commission and tells them about drinking his piss… as an excuse!…lol

  • Tanner

    are you guys fucking serious? If you don’t think is a joke then you need to get real man.

  • Dangerfield

    I can’t believe this whole thing it’s gotten ridiculous

  • Big D

    Wow. They OAC is looking into legal action because of this. Just…wow.

  • Jemaleddin

    And armageddon creeps ever so slowly towards us as more and more people not only don’t get the joke, they don’t realize there is a joke.

    It’s amazing how humorless the internet is.

  • Bling Crosby

    The shitstorm over this is approaching Epic levels. How can so many people be so fucking stupid?


    People really need to get a fucking sense of humor.

  • gerald

    hey fight linker:


  • Boondock

    No shit what’s with all these zombies just believing what they read without giving it an ounce of actual thought. I think this is one of the greatest jokes ever in press but they really should have threw in a “just kidding” somewhere in there for the fucking lametards that can’t read between the lines.

  • Zane

    Haha as soon as I saw trippin balls i knew it was a joke, anyone who believed it is ridiculous, and no way will they take legal action…

  • Tanner

    I personally think the article is fucking hilarious. Luke did too. Lets not be stupid over the funniest shit i think he’s ever posted.

  • MMAStation

    and ryan thought he only had to be worried about the UFC suing him….

  • Boondock

    I’ll be suing him right after for making my side hurt from laughter.

  • kentyman

    …but they really should have threw in a “just kidding” somewhere in there…

    Um, the “just kidding” is right there in the URL:

  • operator

    Holy fuck so some of us are a little bit gullible no big deal. Don’t take it so serious after all it was a joke so laugh and move on but what ever makes you feal superior I guess. Look at me I read between the lines woopady fuckin doo your a real fuckin genious.

  • Jemaleddin

    Has the OAC ever heard of the Onion?

  • cyphron

    Satire is protected speech. OAC won’t be able to do anything about it. LOL.

  • P W

    This might seem incredibly stupid to the North Americans, but in my little European country, every year, at least one article from The Onion finds its way to our biggest national newspapers.

  • Shawn

    I can’t believe so many people ran with it as news. Shit, all they had to do was to look at the first forum post about it being April 1st and realize that something was up.

    Funny, funny shit. You had me hook, line, and sinker except for the “tripping balls” part.
    The Dana White quote almost made me think it was real again… That is so something he would say!

  • Lifer

    Should have added a Rogan quote like, “I’ve always said he was like that weird guy in highschool, experimenting with drugs and would probably kill you if you messed with him. Doesn’t surprise me that this happened and just goes to further my point about irrational drug laws… I’ve put coffee up my own ass a few times while I was sick and it helped. He’s not hurting anybody.”