twitter google



Is this really so far-fetched? Remember those limbless bastards with the carbon fibre mecha-legs? They’re still trying to get into the Olympics!

  • Remco Pardoel

    This is awesome!

  • subo

    This show justified itself with the line “And in other news, the NFL has legalized late hits on Jay Cutler.”

  • Blackula Jonez

    The onion sports network is possibly my new fave show. The Lights Out premiere was okay at best, gonna give it until ep 3 before I commit to the show.

    The miami heats new rules for the nba and the “who would you murder” bit we’re hilarious.

  • glassjawsh

    @ subo – still bitter?

  • GoldenArms

    why would subo be bitter over Jay Cutler? he has his virgin superhero Tim Tebow now. Tebow gives hope to subo and all the other virgins in the greater colorado area.

  • agentsmith
  • FiveBoltMain

    I guess I’m the only who thought that it was dumb. I didn’t even grin.

  • fightlinker

    man, that Sportsdesk show looks awesome. And Onion News is gonna be a show? YEAH!

  • Letibleu

    Onion news has been around for a long time. I recomend everyone watch the movie (there is an Onion News The Movie) Steven Segal as CockPuncher.

    Favorite quote: ” The internet went down for three hours this morning, plunging the nation into productivity. The outage, which caused major work startages from New York to California, prevented an estimated 120 million American employees from messing around on the web at work. ”

    And of course Melissa Cherry with her Onion music videos with Britney Spears type songs and lyrics:

    …Are you ready? Mmmm. Down on my knees. Baby, when we kiss, my heart just skips a beat. And when you hold my hand, oh, I can hardly speak. But there’s one kinda lovin’ that I can’t do face to face. So, let me give you some affection – just below your waist. Oh, yeah! I’m down on my knees for you. I’m begging please, please for you. Oh! I’ve got so much love, I need to show it. It’s a big job, I don’t want to blow it. Oh! Oh, yeah. Oh! Baby. Down on my knees, begging please please.

    …Shoot your love, baby. Tell me why must you hide that love, that love you got inside. It’s been building up so long. Yeah! And that feeling’s oh so strong. So baby, shoot your love all over me. Oh! Drown me in a milky sea. Love all over me. Hey, baby! It’s you and I, for eternity, for eternity. That’s why you’ve got to shoot your love over me. Oh, yeah, yeah! When I look at you, ba-by, I see a man full of spunk. But what good is it to me, locked away in that trunk? I don’t need more roses. No, that would be just reckless. The gift I want from you is my very own pearl necklace. Shoot your love all over me. Hey! Drown me in a milky sea. Love all over me. Ooh, baby! It’s you and I, you and I, for eternity, for eternity. That’s why you’ve got to shoot your love all over me.

  • frickshun

    Haha!! That was fun.
    Butters–>idiot boy.
    Letiblew–>did you write that just for me? (thank u)

  • DJ ThunderElbows

    Leti: I don’t think you have the balls.

  • iamphoenix

    last time i checked, the marines don’t wear ACU’s.

  • fightfan

    As for the post….his last 3 opponents didnt refuse the fight because he was handicapped, they refused it because he has fucking 5 ounce fucking metal gloves on instead of soft padding.

  • DJ ThunderElbows

    I’m so glad someone cleared that up. I woke up at five in the morning to mull this issue over, but now I can go back to sleep.

  • iamphoenix

    also, the uniform he is wearing is not in regulation. He doesn’t have the American flag on his right sleeve, no United States over on his left side and his collar is not to be worn that way. Wrong on so many levels.

  • FiveBoltMain

    Another person who didn’t find it funny. Penix has my back :P

  • iamphoenix

    i just find it weird that movies and this kind of shit always get military uniforms wrong, from missing american flags to crap looking berets, jacked up uniforms and saluting indoors…

  • frickshun

    Phoenix–>please shut your fucking mouf. It was funny.

    Let’s continue to freeze Butters out…….he’s about to break!!

    Also, Fightfan–>what planet do you live on?

  • FiveBoltMain

    Yeah, I’m about to break my foot off in your ass!!

    *high five*

  • frickshun

    Oh snap.

  • Carcass

    Phoenix, most of you American chaps seem to have trouble shaping berets, even the real soldiers! :p

  • iamphoenix

    berets are fucking stupid. but the worst berets are always in movies and shit, no matter how bad some might look on us.

  • Reverend Clint

    berets only look good on brits and specifically the maroon beret. Now that all retards can wear them in the army they just look gay