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Movie Review:The Scorpion King 2

If there’s any clue to indicate a movie might be a steaming pile of dogshit, the first one would have to be the fact that the Scorpion King 2 is a prequel to a spinoff of a sequel of a remake. It’s a mouthful that leaves a taste so bad in the back of your throat, you could swear you’ve been sucking on a piss flavored popsicle.

The movie opens the same way every shit fantasy movie does: a prissy British narrator holding your hand through the most cliche tale ever told. Father who is a great warrior? Check. Doesn’t want his son following in his footsteps, but son defies him, essentially getting his own father killed by up-and-comer bad guy? Check. Son going to train and comes back dressed like Conan but looking like a Power Ranger…well, that’s actually not the usual formula, but it can’t be helped when you hire a baby-faced asian ladyboy.

The rest of the movie is a fucking lame ass fetch quest for one of the ugliest sword known to man, the only thing, apparently, that can kill Randy Couture. Presumably, the sword contains some of Chuck Liddell’s gametes, but it’s never really specified just why it’s the only thing that can defeat the lamest villain in the franchise’s already lame history.

The lowlight of this abortion of a movie is the climactic final battle. It hearkens back to the days when the ambition of hack directors went far beyond their budget and ability, leaving behind an impossible scene to film. In this case, it’s the fight between the hero man-boy, and a gigantic CG scorpion. Having failed to secure the proper funds, the production decided that the cleverest thing was to have the giant insect be invisible (with no explanation as to why, of course). I’m sure they were dazzled by their own brilliance with that one.

To be fair, there isn’t a moment where you aren’t laughing at the sight of actors attempting to earn their keep. The funniest by far is the overdubbing of poor Randy, whose voice was found to be far too weak to inspire anything more than pity from the audience. The voice actor paid to overdub him, however, only inspires intense laughter at every poorly delivered line. James Earl Jones, he ain’t.

I guess the only positive thing I can say about this movie is that you’ll forget it as soon as the credits roll. It’s the sort of film you watch while cleaning your house, or testing your mute button. If you’re curious as to how far good ol’ Randy can stretch this acting gig, you’ll be happy to find out that the time of death of his Hollywood career occurred when the movie hit the shelves, so he’ll be back in the cage in no time.