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Oh the Pain..the Humanity!

You gotta love how candid we are sometimes here at fightlinker. As most of you know, Ryan’s anatomy has been playing pretty mean tricks on him. As it turns out, his piss poor diet of “no veggies here” came back to haunt him. Last night, in complete agony, he crawl his way to the doctors so they might piece together what remained of his anus. After waiting three hours, a hot 24 year old doctor put her slender finger up inside him, wrote him a note for an obscure drug, and sent him on his way. Oh the romance of our Health Care system…

With that said, he’s feeling a little under the weather. Luckily, we aren’t at a total loss for content. I’ll be trying to fill his big stinky shoes today and throw the occasional article your way. For those of you wanting a good laugh, don’t forget to go listen to Wednesday’s radio show. Also, today is new comic day, featuring your two favorite MMA commentators. Go check them out, bitches!

  • jackal-matt

    He’s going to get scurvey.

  • dulljake

    nah, he’ll have total anal failure before that happens.

  • Atom

    so thats what, the 429th finger to be in there?

  • Lifer

    were his fears realized? did the finger turn him gay? it was a woman’s finger so it may have just confused him instead.

  • winklepicker
  • dulljake

    apparently, she wasn’t gentle enough to confuse anyone…

  • jackal-matt

    oh the humanity

  • zex

    butt problems are no joke

  • #1 jackal

    Come on guys, it is not very nice to make fun of a man when his ass is on the line.
    (thats the best i can do for now)

  • Atom

    #5 – anyone that needs urbandictionary to tell them what the shocker is OBVIOUSLY does not belong on this website.

  • Captain

    That’s fuckin great! Schadenfreude baby! Though I bet he did kind of like it.

    But seriously, what’s with the diet? Isn’t he supposed to be in training and trying to lose weight for his big showdown?

  • dulljake

    he’s stubborn as a fucking mule, and a fucking baby to boot. I’m trying to get him to eat veggies, but he seems to think that supplements are just as good as the real thing. Me thinks him wrong, but he’ll graduate from the school of hard knocks eventually.

  • fightlinker

    *warning: skip if you don’t want to know about my anus issues*

    I went to a clinic on wednesday and they told me I had a fissure plus weakened stomach issues, probably due to a lack of vegetables in my new diet (I’ve since added multi-vitamin and vege-supplements to the mix + at least 2 servings of real stuff a day).

    The problem here is I basically told the fuckers “I think i have a fissure. I changed my diet recently” so I’m thinking they just parroted back what i told them.

    Last night after JJ (did really well), there was no pain till i took a crap, and then it was like someone had stuffed a knitting needle up my ass and through my groin. There was like a good cup worth of blood coming out my ass.

    Typically afterwards I have about an hour of moderate uncomfortable pain but this time it’s searing brutal for an hour and then starts getting worse. I end up going to the bathroom again and passing nothing but blood, both light and what i guess must be somewhat clotted, plus random misc. other stuff which isn’t crap and reminds me of cow kidney they sell in stores.

    At this point i’m in something of a worried state. The pain is just outta sight. I’m seeing stars, and not sure if it’s because of pain or because of the amount of blood i’ve shit out. I call a taxi and hit the hospital.

    At the hospital a doctor basically asks me a few question, sticks her fingers up my ass, then comes back 10 minutes later and says it’s internal hemorrhoids (I don’t mention the past diagnosis because i don’t want to possibly lead them astray). I ask “Are you sure? There is a lot of blood”.

    I pull out a zip lock bag with some of the UAO (unidentified ass objects – yeah at this point i wanted to figure out what was coming out of me, blood, clots, crap, or ???) and showed it to her. Now just as a side note this is a hot young doctor, like Jessica Biel hot. It’s pretty fucking weird getting your ass stuffed by a girl like this and then giving her a bag of your mystery groo. But this was getting out of control. The pain was way up there and I was seriously starting to worry that I was shitting out my intestines or colon or something. I needed to show them something that proved I wasn’t just exaggerating.

    She takes it, goes to see i guess another doctor for 10 minutes, comes back, gives me a container and asks me to crap/bleed in it. I do it, bring it back, and she takes it with no expression and disapears again.

    She comes back, says they’ll be doing tests and i’ll hear more once those are done. Also, if in a week the problem is still there after using the cream, to come back in.

    I’m seriously hoping it isn’t anything serious and this new ass steroid they gave me will sort shit out. Last night i basically rolled around in bed in agony all night. I got fits of sleep wherein I dreamed i was eating doughnuts with Roxy Modaferri (strange, huh?). If this is how things are going to be for the next week, I plan on finding someone with a hook up for some serious pain drugs because this fucking sucks

  • fightlinker

    and shut the fuck up about the diet. I don’t even believe those bozos at the clinic any more. I’m not saying i don’t need to eat more fruits and veggies but i don’t need the whole ‘oh silly ryan won’t eat his peas’ routine.

  • Zheroen

    FL, you have my sympathy. And yet, I really want “Oh silly Ryan won’t eat his peas” to take off and become the next big Fightlinker catchphrase. I’m torn (much like Ryan’s anus)!

  • MacDaddy

    Something like that if it’s come on this quickly and you’ve never had it before is unlikely to be the diet unless you’ve been dieting for months. If not eating enough vegetables was that big of a problem you probably would have seen other problems before now, with your teeth or liver. It could be something IN the diet like a specific allergy to a supplement, causing something like colitis. Take it easy if you decide to work out, no one wants to be grappling and get covered in someone else’s anal blood…

  • dulljake

    told Ryan we’re taking a break until this shit gets figured out. I don’t want his condition getting worst.

  • intenso

    Hope you feel better soon, Ryan.

  • #1 jackal

    any pics of the mystery goo???

    hope you get feeling better

  • operator

    That is seriously fuckin scary I laughed until I read the details then it wasn’t funny anymore. Except for the hot doctor. Hope you get better keep us posted.

  • ajadoniz

    thank god i was 17 when i figured out food could kill you.. slowly and painfully. Too bad you can’t rewind, Ryan… we could all go back and eat our veggies and maybe muster up the courage to say no to the friendly trannies. it’s ok.

  • kentyman

    Ryan “The Sanguine Fissure” Harkness?