The Ohio Athletic Commission is suing an internet weblog for fabricating a story regarding the suspension of a fighter following Saturday’s UFC event in Columbus, Ohio. The story, circulated from a website called ‘Fightlinker.com’, claimed that UFC fighter Luke Cummo had been suspended 90 days for competing with three liters of coffee in his rectum.
“Our main concern is as always towards the fighters,” said a visibly upset Warren Petty, OAC commissioner. “They need to know very clearly what is acceptable within the rules of our commission. There is absolutely nothing on the books regarding what fighters may or may not have in their anus while fighting.”
Petty clarified that the only concern the OAC had was with banned substances turning up in blood or urine samples. “If a fighter were to place a steroid or something like that in his rectum, then that would be illegal. But only because that steroid would show up on standard OAC approved tests.”
“The OAC is not in the business of rooting around in a fighter’s ass.”
Petty exclaimed disgust at the perpetrators of the hoax, citing the possibility that the fighter’s credibility could be damaged by the false suspension news. “Let me be very clear: Luke Cummo was not suspended by the OAC. In fact we did not even bother to test Luke, or his coffee.”
Other charges pressed stemming from this incident include mischief, perpetrating a malicious hoax, and impersonating a government official. “The accused created quotes from a non-existent OAC member by the name of Bernie Profato, which is simply an absurd make believe name. We plan on throwing the book at these troublemakers, let there be no doubt about it.”
However, attempts to extradite the perpetrators from their homeland of Canada have so far been unsuccessful. According to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the two men who run ‘Fightlinker.com’ escaped their raid and are now suspected to be hiding somewhere in the wilderness north of Canada City.
“It’s too cold right now for them to hide for long.” said RCMP officer Jean Lacoque. “Either they’ll turn up soon or they’ll freeze to death. Which is probably what they deserve for being so terribly not funny.”