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Ohio Athletic Commission sues over fake Cummo suspension

The Ohio Athletic Commission is suing an internet weblog for fabricating a story regarding the suspension of a fighter following Saturday’s UFC event in Columbus, Ohio. The story, circulated from a website called ‘Fightlinker.com’, claimed that UFC fighter Luke Cummo had been suspended 90 days for competing with three liters of coffee in his rectum.

“Our main concern is as always towards the fighters,” said a visibly upset Warren Petty, OAC commissioner. “They need to know very clearly what is acceptable within the rules of our commission. There is absolutely nothing on the books regarding what fighters may or may not have in their anus while fighting.”

Petty clarified that the only concern the OAC had was with banned substances turning up in blood or urine samples. “If a fighter were to place a steroid or something like that in his rectum, then that would be illegal. But only because that steroid would show up on standard OAC approved tests.”

“The OAC is not in the business of rooting around in a fighter’s ass.”

Petty exclaimed disgust at the perpetrators of the hoax, citing the possibility that the fighter’s credibility could be damaged by the false suspension news. “Let me be very clear: Luke Cummo was not suspended by the OAC. In fact we did not even bother to test Luke, or his coffee.”

Other charges pressed stemming from this incident include mischief, perpetrating a malicious hoax, and impersonating a government official. “The accused created quotes from a non-existent OAC member by the name of Bernie Profato, which is simply an absurd make believe name. We plan on throwing the book at these troublemakers, let there be no doubt about it.”

However, attempts to extradite the perpetrators from their homeland of Canada have so far been unsuccessful. According to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the two men who run ‘Fightlinker.com’ escaped their raid and are now suspected to be hiding somewhere in the wilderness north of Canada City.

“It’s too cold right now for them to hide for long.” said RCMP officer Jean Lacoque. “Either they’ll turn up soon or they’ll freeze to death. Which is probably what they deserve for being so terribly not funny.”

  • TKO Todd

    Lacoque….classic. lol

  • http://WWW.GRABTHE.INFO TIGERTAO

    Are they gonna set that guy from Due South on you? Your fucked if he’s on your trail, maybe they’ll do an extraordinary rendition on your asses, you’ll wake up in a concrete cell in Kurdistan with some guy named Mustapha searching through a well thumbed copy of
    ‘The Big Book Of Stuff The CIA Like To Stick Up Your Rectum’…
    Come to think about it did that already happen Ryan? Is that why your ass broke, we know the shame burns from your cheeks to the depths of your soul, but you can tell us…

  • Swedish guy

    They’ll probably call in Rambo. He knows his way around caves and mountains and canadians and stuff.

  • http://www.lukecummo.com Lifer

    what’s the capital of canada?

    dana white – “quebec?”

  • http://insidefights.insidepulse.com/author/mwnichol/ Mike_N

    Free Fightlinker!

  • victorpoprock

    Hilarious, this was the best hoax ever! Several news sites picked up and ran with the story. I first read it on sherdog and was pretty shocked, then I saw that the source was fightlinker and I laughed my ass off. Way to go man, instant classic!

  • MadMan

    [“There is absolutely nothing on the books regarding what fighters may or may not have in their anus while fighting.”]
    I like to keep Vern Troyer in my ass…when i get a full mount, Vern sticks his head out and bites their inner-thighs.

  • Fightlinker Jackal

    Lacoque :D

  • fightfan

    Hilarious. You better watch out. Those fuckers in Ohio just dont have a sense of humor. Especially the commission. It sounds as though they are taking this very seriously.

    And now you’re pouring salt into the wounds. Absolutely hilarious!!! Great job. Keep it up!! I cant wait to ehar what happens next. LOL!!

  • http://dapit237yahoo.com Da Twin

    this sounds like bullshit too. i hope u do get sued, its one thing making jokes about Cummo but to make something up is fuck up i beleaved it and it made me not like Cummo or his agent anymore, good thing we found out the truth.

    u guys at fightlinker are dumb motherfucking faggets now noone is gonna beleave any of your acticles

  • Xenicore

    At this point, The Onion eats its heart out.

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2205263457 Popetastic

    I don’t really understand this. Fightlinker is a fucking humor blog. The Onion has been writing fake stores for years, and I don’t remember any lawsuits.

    Hey, Ohio state athletic commission: Get a fucking clue.

  • http://www.swingerads.com/sa/vp.cgi?profile=FancyKat Atom

    These FL satire pieces are really getting around:

    http://cnn.topstories.googlepages.com/UFC.Lawsuit

  • AJB

    YES! The META PARODY! This just made my whole morning.

  • andres

    Hahaha dude I kew it

  • http://TRAILERPARKFAGBOYS.ORG Da Twins Twinn

    yous guys is lyke da boy who cryed wulf an shit and we all know whet happend to him you faggetts, he gut hes hous blown downn by them pigs!
    Sherdog noobz rule!

    im neva comin ova here to yo site agin less som1 promiz 2 teach me speling an granmar.
    btw i got a glury hole in my traila put $5 thru my malebox n ill suk yur cok!

  • http://www.swingerads.com/sa/vp.cgi?profile=FancyKat Atom

    If twin isn’t coming back, neither am I!

  • http://TRAILERPARKFAGBOYS.ORG Da Twins Twinn

    Fuk yeh War Atom! Scru yew Faglinker!

  • Big D

    Fightlinker, you better stop provoking the OAC, or I have a feeling they’ll pull a Josh Haynes on your ass and BRING THE PAIN!!!

  • victorpoprock

    Hey #10, Shut the fuck up you whinny little fucking bitch! Nobody wants your stupid ass coming to this site anyway you fucking cum drinking, sperm fart.

    Go pull the cucumber out of your ass and tell your grandma I said hi (I’m the one who took her anal virginity).

  • http://www.lukecummo.com Lifer

    man i was all about march madness but now that the sherdog slobs are showing up im not so sure!

  • #1 jackal

    -Big D

    Actually getting the pain brought to you isnt that bad. What is worse is when Doug Marshall brings a KD!!
    Trust me, KD’s are a lot worse than having the pain broughten.

    An ifa Twin deosnt shout up he is goingna git KD.

  • MJC_123

    FOR REAL!

  • http://www.swingerads.com/sa/vp.cgi?profile=FancyKat Atom

    Hell yeah, twin, lets leave all these funny, sarcastic mma fans and start our own website… we won’t let them join, either, or join in on our gay orgy. We’re gonna be awesum

  • http://www.mmastation.com MMAStation

    Wow, you would figure cnn would do some fact checking.

  • Jeff Comstock

    Epic Win!

  • http://www.swingerads.com/sa/vp.cgi?profile=FancyKat Atom

    Wow, you would figure mmastation.com would do some fact checking :)

  • Big D D

    Can’t anyone take a joke? Man, I am from Ohio and I think this stuff is pure comedy (#9).

  • http://www.fightlinker.com fightlinker

    heh I’m pretty sure Da Twinn is as real as the OAC posts ;-)

  • http://TRAILERPARKFAGBOYS.ORG Da Twins Twinn

    Hell yuh, Ims fo reals bytches any tyme yall bytches wanna go jus com down 2 Iowa an its on like donkey kock. jus coz us Sherdogs cant spel don meen we cunt fight!? im thu flea weight iowa trailer park champ, Chuk Norris has ofered me uh a Cuntract! im jus watin on one of ma triks too read it to mee i don wana get fuked like Andy Bouture!

    Atom I wan yur cock so bad hit me up on my godaddy website im gon milk you like a goate bet yo real purdy huh?

  • el feo

    the media being retarded is hardly news at this point, but here you go.
    please write a story next about
    “Bush Resigns”

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