Aleksander Emelianenko is a colourful guy. It seems like just yesterday he was in a Grecian monastery, baking artisanal bread loaves and carving intricate headboards for Restoration Hardware. And while a life of seclusion and hard labor may seem like a better option than telling your rock bottom story in an Alcoholics Anonymous group meeting, it’s looking like the sobriety didn’t exactly take. A month after his last fight, Emelianenko was accused of raping two girls at his apartment. But no worries, in actuality it was a couple of prostitutes attempting hustle some extra salary, and who hasn’t had that happen after a rowdy birthday?
Things were starting to look up for Emelianenko this summer: he racked up a couple of wins, that old Hep C scandal looked to be finally laid to rest (has Sergei Kharitonov cut off one of his fingers yet?) and he has an upcoming fight against Mirko CroCop next month. But this week, Aleks is being investigated this week for drunkenly assaulting a 63 year old army veteran:
The man, an army veteran, was celebrating his birthday was some friends. He alleges that Emelianenko took issue with the amount of noise coming from the table and immediately sprang into attack. Emelianenko, via a spokesperson, denies the accusation and says that it was the man and his sons who started the violence following the initial interaction.
Video of Emelianenko being taken into custody has surfaced and he looks like he’s… alive. And living in a… cheerful and cozy place:
Today, his lawyer had this to offer:
There was no assault, there was just a conflict that ended in a fight.
That’s the Russianest/lawyeriest quote I think I’ve ever seen. But there comes a point when crazy drunken stories – like losing your two front teeth fighting a bull on a French gameshow – start going from hilarious legend to sad and worrisome. Get well, Grim Reaper! Training camp injuries > criminal assault injuries.
Boy, today has been a doozy of a day.
First came the breaking news that Tito Ortiz – who was set to headline Bellator’s first-ever pay-per-view card on November 2 – had injured his neck and was out of his match-up against fellow UFC vet Quinton “Rampage” Jackson. That lead to this immediate Twitter response from Dana White (which, really, is par for the course, but entertaining nonethless).
Oh boy KARMA is a BITCH
— Dana White (@danawhite) October 25, 2013
Then came about a half an hour of wild speculation and jokes on Twitter, such as:
Continue after the Jump ››
UFC Fight Night 30 is tomorrow, and nearly all the fighters on the UK card made weight today. Nearly all except Brazilian chub-master John Lineker that is, who missed the flyweight cutoff by stepping on the scale and breaking it. Homeboy was 128 pounds – which normally wouldn’t sound so egregious, but since this is about the eleventh time the overgrown garden gnome has failed to make the tonnage limit he’d contractually agreed upon months ago… well, it’s pretty safe to assume that unless Lineker displays actual superpowers in the Octagon tomorrow, the dude is getting the boot.
Of course, with his wild and carefree eating habits, Lineker can now join the esteemed ranks of the League of Fat Fighters. Other members of that elite group include:
- Anthony “Rumble” Johnson, who was kicked out of the UFC for repeatedly failing to make welterweight over and over again and now fights at superheavyweight (265+ pounds) for the World Series of Fighting.
- Gina Carano, who, no matter what her opponent weighed, would somehow always come in ten pounds above that number. (Coach to Carano, backstage at the weigh-ins: “Okay, Kaitlin Young just weighed in at 140 pounds – hurry and eat this cake, then step on the scale.”)
- Jason Guida, who crapped out of TUF for being a lardo, and showed the world his ball bag in the process.
- Thiago Alves, who weighed in at 174 for a bout against Matt Hughes, and then won via TKO. I guess that would make him the leader of this group. Or something.
Since there are three prizes, there will be three winners, with winner #1 getting first pick of what they want. Here, then, are the talented insulters:
- Adam – “This reminds me of when my dog fell in love with the end of the couch. http://mma.us/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/06-jim-genia-stare-down.jpg” Congrats, as this worked on both a visceral level (with me staring longingly into the eyes of “Bob”) and on an existential level (aren’t we all really just dogs falling in love with the end of the couch of life?). Anyhoo, you get the UFC bag.
- Nick – “I’ve seen better writing in Palhares’ personal journal.” Never mind that Rousimar Palhares is a best-selling author in Brazil (“Chicken Soup for the Torn ACL”, “Gone with the Shin”). The fact of the matter is that everyone assumes Palhares is just a simple jungle-dweller who probably reads Dr. Seuss books upside down, so the image your insult conjured is a fitting one. You can choose between a book written by some douchebag or some never-before-worn FCF t-shirts.
- Casey – “You write as if you’ve been injured by your father serving you some stove top stuffing. And by that I mean he has had vicious sex with you while pushed up against a kitchen appliance. It was at least one third consensual.” This happened, so you get whatever Nick doesn’t pick.
I will email each of you. Hit me back with your addresses and this motherfucker is on like Donkey Kong.
To the rest of you… hey, you tried. Except you glassjawsh. I really think you phoned this whole thing in.