It was interesting to hear UFC play-by-play commentator Mike Goldberg describe Brandon Vera as an “Olympic candidate” in wrestling during the broadcast of UFC 164. Especially considering that Vera’s actual chances of making the Olympics were approximately the same as mine. BloodyElbow has a breakdown of Goldberg’s Vera Olympics fish getting bigger every time he tells the tale:
Brandon Vera did not qualify for the 2000 Olympic Team Trials in Greco-Roman wrestling. He could have qualified by winning the U.S. Armed Forces Championships, winning one of five regional qualifiers, or placing top eight at the U.S. Senior Greco National Championships (he did not meet the criteria to qualify by petition). His name does not appear in the results for the 2000 Armed Forces Championships, nor in any of the regional qualifiers, and in the 2000 Senior National Championships, he injury defaulted out of the tournament without winning a single match.
Even without his injury, Vera almost certainly would not have qualified for the 2000 Olympic Team Trials. In three years, from 1998 though 2000, wrestling on the Senior Greco circuit, Vera never placed at a Senior National Championships, never appeared at a World Team Trials and I can find no results which would suggest that he was competitive with contemporaries who actually ought to be considered “Olympic candidates”. On the other hand, I can find a number of instances where Vera received lopsided trouncings at the hands of America’s truly elite Greco wrestlers. Even Vera’s best result, his sixth place finish at the 1998 University Nationals, only illustrates his distance from realistic Olympic consideration; none of the five wrestlers who placed in front of him went on to even qualify for the 2000 Olympic Team Trials.
BloodyElbow concludes by calling the description of Vera as a legitimate Olympic candidate reckless and absurd. The long and short of all of this is that the story of Vera’s Olympic candidacy is not and never was anything more than a steaming pile of horse poop.
Now I feel just how I felt about my parents because they said pot was bad: I just can’t trust a word Goldberg says. I now don’t know what to believe about the accolades given to our noble UFC athletes. In addition to wondering whether Matt Lindland’s silver medal was actually something he got from a cereal box, I am now beginning to question Goldberg’s persistent characterization of every dark-complexioned athlete as “Explosive” and his description of their dick sizes as “virtually identical.” I guess now we’ll never know the actual measurements.
“Oh yeah… Oh yeah…”
A final development from the UFC 164 post-fight scrum was the revelation that Benson Henderson has been friend zoned, never to catch a whiff of the eternal vagina of the 155-pound strap as long as it is occupied by Anthony Pettis’ manhood. According to Dana White, Henderson’s 0–2 record, “first round anal annihilation” in the second fight, and scruffy hairstyle make Henderson virtually undateable by Pettis anytime soon:
“Definitely is. Definitely is,” UFC president Dana White responded when asked if Henderson being down 0-2 to Pettis [i]s a factor in how soon Henderson can score a trilogy. “We had the fight with Ben and Frankie [Edgar] where some people [didn't know who won]. There’s no f—— denying who won this fight, and it was a first round annihilation, kind of like the Vitor [Belfort]-Anderson [Silva] thing.”
While it is hard to argue with this logic from a promotional standpoint, a part of me also feels sorry for Henderson. First he ate a kick that he’s probably had to see replayed to him thousands of times, then he got caught in an armbar no one saw coming, and now he wakes up without another shot at the title for potentially years. I guess things could be worse for him: maybe he’ll become a venerable perennial runner-up character like Rich Franklin—hell, maybe they’ll make another weight class for him, too. Then, with more belts to go around, maybe it wouldn’t be such a promotional hazard for one fighter to hold multiple titles, and the UFC title shuffle could be less boringly monogamous and more like fun, inclusive group sex.
(Dick is a Fightlinker staff writer who has been with the site since 2011. He often uses his dick in New York City, as chronicled here [NSFW—female breasts].)
One enticing development coming from the UFC 164 press conference was the fact that Anthony Pettis doesn’t want to beat around the bush in setting up this superfight shiz. Pettis offered to fight Jose Aldo for either one of their belts at 155 or 145 lbs, either of which would be simply delightful (despite chronic malcontents like MMAMania, who are always content to pee on our tree with all of their TJ Grant humdrum).
Jose Aldo’s coach Andre Pedeirneras previously accused Pettis of faking an injury to get out of fighting Aldo, but he also offered to apologize if Pettis beats Henderson, vacates his belt, drops to 145 to fight Jose Aldo, jumps through flaming hoops, and sucks his penis. In response, in classic Dana White fashion, he has begun a House of Lords-style diplomatic negotiation by pulling the “pussy card.” The pussy card in and of itself is nothing new, being the workhorse of Dana White’s arsenal—the two pair of his matchmaking game, if you will. However, this time, in a creative twist, the pussy card has been pulled not on Aldo but on his manager:
Here’s the thing, you can tell 100 percent Anthony Pettis is willing to go wherever it takes. I know that Jose’s coach is saying, ‘Bro, he can come down here at 145.’ Because they think [Pettis would] be at a disadvantage whereas I actually think he’d be at a huge advantage at 145. He’s big, strong.
For his manager to come out, and this is what drives me crazy about managers, and I love him. He’s a good guy. I’ve known Andre [Pederneiras] for years. But when you come out and make a statement like that, you make it look like your guy is afraid of him, you know what I mean? You make it look like Aldo was afraid. And that might not be Aldo’s same opinion, it might be his manager saying, ‘This is what I want to happen here,’ but it makes it look like he’s afraid of Anthony Pettis, which already gives Anthony Pettis an advantage.
Based on this, it’s safe to conclude that the full muscle of the UFC’s pussy-calling ability is now being thrown behind making this fight, and I couldn’t be happier about the impending announcement of the matchup.
According to Frank Mir’s recollection of last night’s events, his UFC 164 matchup with Josh Barnett was stopped early. Unfortunately, the events between arriving at the venue last night and waking up this morning are likely somewhat of a blur, making his opinion on the matter somewhat invalid. At the post-fight press conference, Mir explained that he got screwed:
Obviously, I thought it was a bad stoppage. We’re fighters. If every fight was stopped on any kind of a flash shot or anything like that — actually, I took the knee, and I remember going, ‘s— I’m in a bad position.’ And that’s why I dropped my other knee out from underneath me so that could fall to the ground and make sure I didn’t take a second one. I didn’t belly out, I didn’t flatten out, and I actually tried to redig my underhook so that i could get a single. And I actually looked at the referee stopping it.
And then at first I thought, maybe I was out? Did I take a bunch of shots that I didn’t see? And then after watching it, I was conscious the whole time. Even when I stood up I wasn’t wobbled, I was completely coherent. So at best your argument is it was a flash knock down. I didn’t know fights stopped on that. If that was the case I never would have beaten [Antonio Rodrigo] Nogueira, I don’t think we would have seen Travis Browne knock out [Alistair] Overeem last week. There are too many fights in our sport that are exciting, and you’ve got to let us fight. I didn’t sign up for a tennis match.
Evidently, Mir missed the part where his arms, forearms, and indeed, his entire body were splayed on the canvas but his head was gyrating as incoherently as a bobblehead on Bob Sapp’s gut during one of his nocturnal gaseous emissions. The fact of the matter is that Referee Rob Hinds had no idea that Mir was about to stand back up after leaving the area around his “Liddell Landing Strip” completely exposed and blowing in the wind of Barnett’s strikes.
The idea that certain fighters deserve to be allowed to absorb additional damage by referees is kinda le shit. Once fighters reach UFC level, all deserve the same level of protection. It would certainly invite liability if a prominent fighter were seriously injured after a referee promised additional leeway to higher-caliber athletes. I understand the sentiment behind wanting to be allowed to continue, but Mir knows by this point in his career that flopping onto the mat like that gets fights stopped. Asking to be the beneficiary of generous referee calls in every fight would be like priests asking the Catholic church to shuttle them around to different jobs when they… oh wait.
August 28, 2013 — UFC 164: Henderson vs. Pettis 2 lands in Milwaukee, Wisconsin for a lightweight championship rematch between Benson Henderson and Anthony Pettis. Also on the main card will be former titleholders Frank Mir and Josh Barnett facing off in the co-main event.