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Note to the douches trying to get Never Submit off the ground: here’s how you make a movie. Keep your mouths shut, don’t waste your time booking fighters who can’t act, film the fucking thing, and then release a polished trailer to the interwebs. This movie looks like the MMA equivalent of Hackers, which is awesome because Hackers rocked and had Angelina Jolie naked in it. I can only pray we get at least some serious side-boob action going in this film.

There’s going to be way too many MMA movies out there in another few years that take themselves too seriously. This movie looks retarded, and that’s why I think it’s going to rock. Check this one out after downing a few Mickeys, hooping some Xyience, and you got yourself a fun time.

On a side note, I have no idea why the main guy is interested in the chick who obviously has the worst taste in men. I’d be like “Wow, you’re a fucking stupid retard who likes violent morons and set me up to get my ass kicked. I hope you die of AIDS.” Not “I’m gonna save you baby … I see something inside you … something pure.” Then again, perhaps Youtube doesn’t capture the majestic nature of her T&A. Because if that shit’s 10, then yeah I get it.

The Christmas season is a fucking depressing time of year. Statistics show there’s no time of year worse for making you feel completely alone and empty than now. At least Valentine’s day only reminds you of what an asshole you are for not having a mate. Christmas is the perfect time to remember that everyone including your family hates you and that you have no one who’d miss you if you were gone. Plus the music they play in malls … yeah, that’s probably the worst.

Some people deal with their issues by taking anti-depressants, others by shacking up and not leaving the house for a while. Others do copious amounts of illicit narcotics then go on a rampage through Sao Paulo with a kitchen knife, stealing cars, crashing them, and then getting arrested.

And then they die under mysterious circumstances:

“Ryan was sent to the 91st PD, after having toxicology exams done at the central IML at around 2:30 am. He arrived at the police station in Vila Leopoldina at 3 am. According to the officer on call of the 15th Police District police officer Daniella Ranna, where the athlete’s case was registered for having tried to steal a motorcycle, he was sent to the 91st DP because it is a traffic station. From there, he would have been seen to the “most recommendable” location.

According to the Secretariat, at around 7am, when policemen at the station were checking the cells with their detainees, they found the fighter fallen in a corner. They entered and confirmed that he was dead. At around 10 am, coroners were already at the location to do the necessary exams and send the body to the institute.

So let’s speculate on what happened. Here’s the possibilities as we can see em:

Suicide: Yeah, that’s the obvious one everyone is speculating. The dude just did some pretty heavy shit … he was already the black sheep of the Gracie clan so perhaps he offed himself to avoid the wrath of his family. Plus, Christmas season and all that. The only thing worse than Christmas jingles is Christmas samba remixes.

Drug Overdose: Pretty much all the reports say that Ryan was acting crazy, but who knows if this was drugs or just Ryan being Ryan? It wouldn’t surprise me though if the coroner rolls Ryan over and pulls a popped clown balloon full of cocaine out of his ass.

Police Brutality: The police report covers all the general facts regarding Ryan’s arrest and jailing. But mayhaps they forgot to mention 20 minutes of wacky whacking with nightsticks that occured between those two events.

Prisoner Brutality: If you think ‘South American Police’ sound scary, think for a second how scary ‘South American Prisoners’ sound? I personally had a vision of Ryan Gracie alone in a single cell, but most likely he was stuck in a cell with a bunch of other bad motherfuckers. Gracie Jiu-Jitsu is good, but is it enough to keep 10 big guys from stabbing you in the throat with a shiv?

We won’t know for sure what happened to Ryan until the coroner’s report comes out. We might not even know then … if it was police brutality, it wouldn’t surprise me if Ryan accidentally gets cremated or eaten by wild dogs while the coroner is out back smoking a cigarette.

**UPDATE** As per jackal Higgz’s suggestion, we’ve added Prisoner Brutality to the list of ways Ryan might have died.   Good thinking, man!

I have to wonder if the producers of The Apprentice : Celebrity Edition had a whole bunch of different takes of Tito Ortiz for this commercial. And just for shits and giggles, they decided to pick the one where he sounded like a complete and utter retard. If you think his speech at the end was a bit weird, just see how it reads:

I’m Tito Ortiz. People are used to see me in the Octagon competing using my physical skills. Well then this Apprentice when I do win it I will be using my mental skills to show that I’m number 1.

This post took me a bit of extra time to write because when I plugged that quote into Microsoft Word the grammar checker exploded and my laptop caught fire.

I’m just gonna warn you now: don’t watch the above video unless you’re into seeing people’s legs broken backwards and sideways. This is just to give you some context for the below information on the upcoming Pancrase NYE-ish show:

Also on the same card, Japanese female fighter Windy Tomomi (Pictures) is set to return for the first time since her accident at Bodog Fight Costa Rica on Feb. 17.

Tomomi, who had an ankle badly broken during her fight with Rosi Sexton, went through five surgeries and several months of rehabilitation in Japan before she was discharged from the hospital in June. Since then, Tomomi started back with light training and physical therapy before officially announcing her return to the ring.

So for those of you keeping count, she took 10 months to recover from this injury and step back into the ring. Now that is fucking hardcore. I think it’d have taken me 10 months just to stop screaming hysterically that MY FUCKING LEG SNAPPED IN HALF. Now excuse me while I go drink a few litres of milk.

Lots of people say ignorance is bliss … unless you’re a mixed martial artist. Then ignorance gets your ass kicked. There’s no better example of this than Cheick Kongo, who somehow thinks he’s got a decent ground game:

IWF: People have said that your ground game needs work. How are you working to improve it?
Kongo: I got nothing to prove. All those who know me know I’m a great wrestler. I’m not BJJ but I’m great.

IWF: Do you think that the people who criticize you like this are justified?
Kongo: Nobody knows me like my training partners and my coach, so shut up! Hahaha!

Yes, Kongo: Hahaha indeed! Hahaha as any fighter with a decent ground game takes you down and twists you into a pretzel! Hahaha losing is funny! Hahaha your training partners and coaches are lying to you if they say you’ve got a good ground game. Hahaha!

Also tucked into this interview: the hint that it might be Kongo facing Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira for the vacant HW belt, not Tim Sylvia:

IWF: Can you confirm the rumored fight between you and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira?
Kongo: I will confirm this when I got the contract signed-lol-be patient.

Plus ten points for the ‘LOL’, man. I like Kongo, and when I heard he was training at Big Bear with Quinton Jackson a while back, I took heart in the idea that the dude was at least getting a good ground defense on. But I haven’t seen much to say he’s anywhere near ready to hang with anyone born in South America, let alone Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira.

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