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(above: the Pancrase girls. The one on the left is a bit rough but the skirts and touching makes up for it. I would wreck the one on the right. She would need to use a wheelchair for the remainder of her existence.)

Hey, we’re back with our daily updates. Did you miss this shit? Yeah, I bet you just miss the pictures of the girls.

UFC83 UK canceled
That event that the UFC never announced which wasn’t ever really happening? Well, it’s been canceled. Well, actually it hasn’t been canceled because it was never happening. It was all a figment of our imaginations. Now I might just be railing on the UFC because I hold them to a higher standard than other people do, but … uh. What’s with that logistical hiccup that caused this whole commotion in the first place?

K1 2008 Schedule revealed
Yeah last year’s Grand Prix finals were pretty shitty, but I got big hopes for K1 in 2008. Mainly because I now have the time to follow and cover the sport. Plus I’m still in awe of Andy Hug and he has filled me with the meaty spirit of K1 awesomeness.

Ice Cube does something regarding MMA
I don’t even know what the fuck is going on here. It’s like someone scratched out a bunch of words in a real MMA-related article and then gave it to some teenagers as one of those Ad-Lib games. Add in “Ice Cube”, “Internet” and “Bomb Diggedy”. You’ve got yourself a story!

James Irving gets a delay of execution
That fight that was gonna happen on that event that was never happening was moved (well, how can it be moved if the event never existed???) to UFC Fight Night 13 at the beginning of April. That’s the Irving vs a very pissed off Houston Alexander fight. Let’s just say I don’t expect Irving to win.

France surrenders to MMA
Hehe, I got nothing else except that title. Props to France for not being fascist. Well, MMA is no longer banned, anyways. You still can’t wear crosses, burqas, face scarves or skull caps. But you can now beat the shit out of eachother in a cage. I’m glad they’ve got their priorities straight!

Frank Mir with his family
Watching this video almost makes me feel bad that Frank is gonna get stomped by Brock Lesnar. My favorite part is when Mir’s wife can’t remember why she didn’t break up with him over his violent lifestyle. Also near the end when Mir looks like he’s ready to go and beat his kids for not shutting up.

Josh Barnett fights again (for pro wrestling)
The UFC can out-wait Fedor. M1 will collapse soon enough and the UFC will be able to pick up Fedor and have him in the UFC eventually. But not Josh Barnett, because Josh is perfectly fine wheedling away the best years of his career fighting retarded catch wrestling bouts and fake pro wrestling fights. I don’t know whether to give props or to cry.

The gambling community believes in Dustin Hazelett
The betting line for Koscheck / Hazelett is -500 / +350. I’ve never seen a bookie give anyone such horrible odds. The only way to make this more embarrassing for Hazelett is if they also posted naked pictures of him with a tiny cock next to these odds. And then a picture of like 3 girthy german dudes fucking his wife. Because with odds like that, you’re no longer even a man, really.

Alan Belcher out at UFC81
This makes me cry. I’ve been an Alan Belcher fan since I found out we share a common love for Hannah Montana.

The thing that drives me nuts about the whole Lesnar / Mir fight is the fact that everyone has swallowed the hype so completely surrounding it. Frank Mir simply is not a challenge for Brock Lesnar. Maybe back in the day when Frank Mir actually gave a shit and was any good, sure. But even before the accident, Mir had fits when fighting similar guys to Brock. Add the fact that no one has seen a Mir worth mentioning since he went ass over teakettle off his motorcycle nearly four years ago, and you’ve got yourself a Brock Lesnar win nine times out of ten.

Let’s take a look back at Frank Mir’s UFC career, since I took the time to download and watch the whole thing today:

Roberto Traven @ UFC32: The fight that started the Mir hype. Traven was a black belt and Mir was only purple. Mir pushed Traven around, loosened him up with strikes, and then pulled off a slick armbar out of nowhere. The legend is born.

Pete Williams @ UFC36: Mir cements his reputation as a tricky submission artist by catching Williams in nasty looking shoulder lock right at the beginning of the fight.

Ian Freeman @ UFC38: Ian Freeman absolutely smashes the fuck out of Mir, bullying him around the octagon and keeping Mir from securing any submissions by punching and elbowing him in the face. The dopey ref pulled Freeman off Mir for some kind of doctor’s examination and Mir made a big show of limping and rolling around to have the fight stopped.

Tank Abbott @ UFC41: Oh, wow. A win over Tank Abbott! How impressive.

Wes Simms @ UFC43: Mir had nearly 3 minutes of control to sub Wes Simms out … he had Simms in mount and back control for nearly the whole time but couldn’t secure a choke. Simms eventually shook Mir off his back and then curbed him with illegal stomps. Mir looked okay, but quit anyways, giving him the DQ victory.

Wes Simms @ UFC46: Again, Frank Mir controlled this fight throughout the first and had all the control he needed to pull off a submission. At one point he had Simms in some sort of choke but his sloppy execution meant Simms was fine. About 3 minutes into the first round Mir gassed, and it was only because Simms gassed too near the end of round 2 that Mir was able to score a ‘KO’.

Tim Sylvia @ UFC48: Tim Sylvia bumrushed Mir and got caught in a textbook armbar which snapped his forearm like a twig. Drink more milk, Timmy! This is the fight that re-energized the Mir legend.

Marcio Cruz @ UFC57: Marcio gave Mir another Freeman style beating, pushing Mir around the ring and keeping him from utilizing his sub game by punching Mir in the face (which Mir doesn’t seem to like at all). Marcio cuts Mir’s eye and there’s a doctor’s examination. Mir tells the doctor over and over he can’t see, even after he’s told if he can’t see the fight will be stopped. Herb Dean asks “Do you want to keep fighting?” and Mir kinda slumps and says “Yeah okay”. One minute of Marcio Cruz going to town on a mentally defeated Mir later, and the fight is over.

Dan Christison @ UFC61: Mir came out bloated like a whale for this one and had no energy left at all halfway through the first round. Both fighters looked absolutely terrible and Mir looked like a jiu-jitsu novice rather than the god everyone remembered back in his heyday.

Brandon Vera @ UFC65: Vera’s watched the same fights I have and knows Mir can’t stand to be pressured with strikes. Vera bulldozes Mir, knocking him down with strikes and finishing him off with solid punches to the face. Mir covers up and waits for the ref to rescue him.

Antoni Hardonk @ UFC74: Hardonk had spent several months training with the Gracies and was so excited to try out his new skills he forgot that straight up rolling with a guy like Frank Mir is a guaranteed way to lose. I don’t think Hardonk threw one punch in this entire fight. He goes for a submission right off the bat which allows Mir to transition and lock up a kimura for the win.

Long story short, Mir can’t take the pressure when an opponent starts to lay a beating on him. He’s given up several times during fights and simply can’t pull out his jiu-jitsu when he’s getting hit. This is very bad news for him against Brock because Brock isn’t going to be working on better positions or submissions of his own. Lesnar is going to come out swinging, push Mir against the fence and try to do as much damage as he can as fast as he can.

Ladies and gentlemen, the above I show you is exhibit A. Now please turn your attention to exhibit B. Note specifically the following excerpt from exhibit B:

PC: I know that was a very emotional loss for you. What all was going through your mind after the fight?

JS: Man, I wanted to cry. I gave everything I had. I put in my life savings, took away time from Christmas, New Years, time from my family man-I sacrificed everything and it would’ve paid off. I would do it all again if I had to.

PC: I was emotional for you man. I talked to a lot of fighters that told me how you were in Big Bear busting ass. I’m sure it had to be tough to lose like that?

JS: I saw the tape and it looked like I was crying, but I had something in my eye-my blood (laughing).

To be fair, a little bit of blood would mean a little bit of tears. Considering the amount of blood coming out of Joe, I think the tears aren’t all that unreasonable. So come on now Joe … there’s nothing wrong with crying*.

*There’s something wrong with crying when you’re on The Ultimate Fighter. But crying in the cage is acceptable**

**So long as you’re not a vag and admit to it afterwards.

Of course, considering all the drama going on with Affliction and the UFC, we’ll never know if this shirt is going to be released or shown at any events. But I give it a big thumbs up. It’s a nice take on the most totally awesome original, with the standard Affliction stylings.

I knew Jeremy Horn was hard up for cash, but I have to wonder how much money it took for him to agree to walk out at UFC81 to a cover of Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero”:

MURFREESBORO, TN – – 17-year old Siegel High School student, Ashley England will have her first song demo debut for the UFC Championship in Las Vegas. The song “Holding Out For A Hero” was written by Jim Steinman and Dean Pitchford and published by Ensign Music, and was originally recorded by Bonnie Tyler.

Ashley is currently recording her first demo at Affinity Publishing Group, Inc, in Murfreesboro, where she is also a vocal performance student under teacher and producer Angela Anderson of Affinity.

“Ashley is a very powerful singer. When we heard Ashley sing “Holding Out for A Hero”, we thought the song would be the perfect song for the UFC Championship.”said Anderson.

Ashley’s mother, Carolina Gallentine, started making phone calls and was able to get Monte Cox, UFC Manager, to listen to the song. Cox loved it and selected the song to debut in the February 2, 2008 UFC Championship program on Pay Per View for UFC five- time Champion Jeremy Horn who is coming out of retirement. This is a big deal for young Ashley.

“I am so happy because this will be a big deal for my school.” said Ashley.

I don’t know how big of a deal this will be for Horn, who’s now walking in to one of the biggest gay club anthems in history, up there somewhere between “It’s Raining Men” and “Y.M.C.A”.

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