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The Diaz brothers blow me away sometimes … they’re so full of themselves it’s crazy. I’m all for a bit of smacktalk and some animosity, but if you asked them what they thought of the T-1000 in Terminator 2, they’d be all like “That fucker is a pussy. I’d whup his ass like the bitch he is!”

Of course, this smack would be a lot more believable if Nick Diaz hadn’t been sucking it up since Nevada took the W out from his crown jewel asskicking of Takanori Gomi. Since then he sucked it up in a terrible fight against unknown Mike Aina and then got absolutely PUNKED by KJ Noons (who he should have slayed). Of course now Diaz is once again saying “That KJ fucker is a pussy. I’d whup his ass!”, and is accusing Noons of ducking a rematch.

While I’m all for Nick Diaz getting a rematch sooner or later, it really should be later rather than sooner. Word is they’ve shipped Nick out to Hawaii so he can get his smoke on without fear of suspension + fight another sacrificial lamb. I hear they used to throw these people into a volcano back in the day. Now they just stick them in a ring with Nick Diaz. Of course, the way Nick has been fighting lately, I’d choose him over Mount Kilauea any day of the week.

Both Jake and I had a 10 minute encounter with a guy named Tom on Monday night while we were recording the Low Blow. Tom is was a friend of ours who travels around the world training security companies on new technology. He also tends to pick up a number of fucking sicknesses, which he then transfers onto us when he comes over to watch Star Trek.

So long story short both Jake and I are lying in bed (different beds, you pervs) shaking worse than Michael J Fox in a political commercial. I know how much this blows goats – stuff has sucked with my ass problems, then I got stuck in America for four days, and now I’m fucking sick. All this inconsistency in posting is driving me absolutely nuts, and I promise that I’m going to try my best to at least get some shit done today, and as soon as I’m better you’re going to see things better than back to normal.

So the numbers have finally rolled in for UFC81 and they’re looking pretty damned high – early numbers say 600k and final count will probably be closer to 650k. I’d just like to point out though that the UFC’s PPV numbers are typically secret, guys like Dave Meltzer and Kevin Iole always seem to get a hold of them when the UFC wants to make some kind of point. In this case, what point are they trying to make? We’re still the fucking shit. Oh, and Brock Lesnar deserves to get paid, so other fighters should shut the fuck up.

For those of you who aren’t that great with numbers (specifically those WEC judges in New Mexico who can’t even add up a scorecard), these numbers make 81 the fourth best selling PPV in UFC history, behind Liddell-Ortiz 2, Shamrock-Ortiz 2, and Liddell-Jackson 2. What makes it more impressive is Brock Lesnar basically carried the card by himself, and can now take his place in history as ‘The most famous guy with a gigantic cock tattoo on his body’.

Big props also have to go out to the UFC, who marketed this fight perfectly. You may or may not remember, but K1 had an MMA show featuring Brock Lesnar last summer, and it performed about as well in PPV as Paris Hilton’s new movie did in theatres. I think more people have been inside her vagina than a theatre to watch that pile of shit.

Thanks to the hundreds of people who helped spread the word and the thousands of people who have emailed Spike TV, we now have a three hour UFC Fight Night on April 2nd! While we were the main ones stupid enough to think harrassing Spike with emails would cause this change to happen, we wouldn’t have succeeded without the support of nearly every blog and forum out there. I’m super hyped – we’ll now get to see an extra 35 minutes of Castrol and KFC commercials (and possibly another fight or two – brought to you by World of Warcraft).

With this news it looks like the UFC is also upping the ante, adding Nasty Nate Diaz (I call him that because he’s ugly like a motherfucker) vs Kurt Pellegrino. Kurt isn’t 100% confirmed yet but all signs on that magic 8 ball point to yes on that matchup.

So let’s take a second to pat ourselves on the back here. We has done good, peoples. We has done good.

After every EliteXC show comes the standard complaints: it’s trashy as fuck, and the hip hop has to go. I’m gonna mix things up a bit though this time, and concentrate on someone who’s gone from being pretty decent to downright obnoxious: Mauro Renallo.

I know most of you guys remember the Mauro from the Pride days. Back then he was obviously kept on a much tighter leash with the fear that he’d be sent back to announcing backwood Canadian pro wrestling shows if he fucked up. Now though, the dude is pushing the limits like someone who’s got enough jobs lined up to not give a shit. This can be good sometimes, such as at K1 Dynamite where he actually ripped into a lot of the stupid stuff going on. But on the whole he’s basically been allowed to devolve into a retarded pun-spewing gimmick announcer, worse than the guys they have running the booth at the WWE.

I’m not the only one who thinks Mauro’s gone off the deep end. Check out what Bill Thompson from Total MMA thinks:

Another big complaint, and one that I share, is the announcing. MMA companies as whole don’t have much to offer in the way of announcers. Bodog for its first couple of seasons had some very good announcing and the WEC has Frank Mir doing a tremendous job in the booth. Outside of those examples MMA is filled with bad announcing, and EXC is possibly the worst of the lot. Mauro Renallo spends the entire broadcast unleashing hyperbolic statement after hyperbolic statement and sounds like a fool while doing so. He never sounds like he knows what he is talking about and that is because he usually doesn’t. Stephen Quadros has taken his “Fight Professor” gimmick as far as it will take him. People don’t buy into his act anymore, because with each passing show he comes across as more and more incompetent. He contradicts himself on a minute by minute basis and does a terrible job of conveying what is taking place in the fight. That leaves us with Bill Goldberg, an announcer so bad that he makes me yearn for the days of Damon Perry in Pride.

And if you don’t believe him, Steve Cofield has taken the time to write out some of the dumber shit Renallo spouted off during the broadcast. And he actually missed quite a few of the most groan-worthy:

  • “Kimbo is ready to prove he belongs among the elite. Miami is a land of hopes realized, where dreams come true.”
  • “Tank Abbott is more public enemy than Flavor Flav.”
  • “Tank is looking to rain on Kimbo Slice’s Sunshine State parade.”
  • “The Bank United Center is shaking down to its foundation. This is the type of tension you can’t cut with a knife. You need a blowtorch. It is absolutely volcanic.”
  • “Kimbo calls himself a bear, a lion-he’s out to prove he has more game than a wildlife preserve.”
  • “There have been many critics of Kimbo Slice coming into mixed martial arts. I think those critics have been silenced by the sea of humanity here.”
  • “Tonight here in Miami, Kimbo Slice proves he’s the big man on campus.”
  • “Kimbo Slice legitimizes himself as a mixed martial artist. Watch out heavyweight division.”
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