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There’s only one thing to say after hearing that 13,000 of the 21,000 tickets to UFC 83 in Montreal were scooped up by UFC Fight Club members: You motherfucking scalpers. You whores. I fucking hate your cocksucking guts. And I’m going to make it my personal mission to kick your faces in if I see you scalping tickets to the Montreal event.

Dana White’s got a post-coital glow going about these big numbers. Not only did he probably just make a cool quarter million from Canadians buying UFC Fight Club membership, but now he gets to act like a huge chunk of these fucking tickets aren’t going to end up on Ebay. Well, let’s wait and see. My bet is there’s gonna be more scalping going on than for that stupid Hannah Montana shit (for those keeping count, that’s 2 Hannah Montana references in one week. Boo-yah! Daz how we rollz).

I fucking hate scalpers. Fucking hate them. And I hate the entertainment industry for being too dumb to figure out a way to stop them that doesn’t involve making the real fans jump through 1001 hoops to get their tickets. This Fight Club shit is a perfect example. Society has just hit a point where people are just barely too smart for their own good – they get the idea of supply and demand. So you’ve probably got a good 1000+ Fight Club members living in California who are planning on doubling their money off scalped UFC83 tickets. And to them I say again: Fuck you, you fucking fucks.

**UPDATE** FUCK YOU ALL.

I bet on Jeremy Horn. No, not with any real moneys. But back when I was ripping the MMA Girl for her picks (funny how that turned out, huh?), I tapped Horn to take Marquardt. I figured Horn would be hungry and ready for one more big money run before hanging up the gloves. God knows the guy deserves it … he’s like one of the original MMA journeymen, with over 100 freaking fights under his belt.

Of course, now I know why lots of bettors don’t actually commit to a fighter until they see him at the weigh-ins. Horn’s old nickname was ‘Gumby’, and it was appropriate for all the wrong reasons on Saturday: he was soft and flabby looking. As soon as he took off his shirt at ringside I was like “Aw, shit.”

Hey, I’m not one to believe you have to be a rippling slice o’ man meat to get places in the UFC, but Horn was simply outmuscled by Marquart. Note to Jeremy: All those big muscles and shit do help. While a flabby armed guillotine probably feels like getting your neck stuck in a hydabed (not pleasant, trust me), a guillotine from a musclehead like Nate Marquard is like getting caught in a bear trap. You tap the fuck out before your head pops off. And that’s exactly what happened on Saturday.

So what’s next for Horn? I dunno, but I’d say he needs to meet with a nutritionist, re-introduce himself to the gym, and either cut down to 170 or bulk up so he’s not the bitch of the middleweight division. Oh, and am I the only one who was sad Horn apparently grew some testicles and decided NOT to come out to that 17 year old girl’s cover of Holding on for a Hero? I mean, I’m down with AC/DC and all. But come on. Bonnie Tyler FTW.

Hey remember when Dana White said they wouldn’t release bonuses until fighters cleared their drug tests? Well that didn’t last very long. Perhaps the checks are held until testing comes back, but the announcements are still made now. That certainly makes a lot more sense than keeping mum on the subject until midway through next week when lab results are in and no one gives a shit any more.

Here’s the bonuses, which were bumped up to 60k a pop as a subtle “Shut the fuck up” to all the websites out there. There was a lot of talk over the past few weeks regarding the UFC tightening their belt with lower and lower bonus amounts, so I guess Dana thinks he can prove people wrong or at least throw them off guard with this latest spike in pay.

Fight of the Night: Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Tim Sylvia
Submission of the Night: Frank Mir
Knockout of the Night:
Chris Lytle

You can’t argue with the Frank Mir submission … managing a kneebar while being pounded upon by a giant freak is a feat to behold. And given the lack of a real competitive war on the card, I’m also down with Sylvia vs Nogueira getting the nod for fight of the night. I’m sure everyone is still just in shock over the fact that Tim Sylvia fought. He really fought. Wow. Blows my frackin’ mind. But Chris Lytle getting KO of the night? That’s just robbing Tim Boetsch, you fuckers.

Look at it like this: Chris Lytle’s opponent was a UFC virgin who’s record was padded with wins over a bunch of guys who have under .500 records. I haven’t seen a more disgraceful matchup in a long time. It’s almost to the point where the NSAC should be ashamed for even sanctioning that fight. Tim Boetsch’s record wasn’t exactly stellar either, but at least he was fighting someone with similar experience and skill in David Heath.

The point is, Boetsch’s win was much more impressive because you got the feeling going in that Heath was supposed to win, the same way Lytle was supposed to win. To me that makes Boetsch’s KO better. Pardon me if I’m not impressed by a salty veteran knocking the fuck out of a UFC virgin. How about we put Lytle up against a 14 year old next time so we have more excuses to give him bogus bonus money? I hate Chris Lytle so much. So very much.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, you’d know that the UFC is holding a press conference today in Montreal. Well … if you were living under a rock, or curled up in a fetal position in the basement like I was. Somewhere in my brain I knew there was this press conference coming up, and it sucks that I’ve basically blown a perfect opportunity to get some Fightlinker-exclusive content.

Originally I was gonna show up with a video camera, a paint gun, and enough money for bail. Now I’m just going to sit at home a mere 15 kilometers (that’s 9.32 miles to you dopes still on the Imperial system) from the conference and stream that shit like the rest of everyone around the world. How lame is that??? Ah well. So it goes.

I’m not expecting too much in the way of earth-shattering news. I expect them to (duh) announce their April 19th Montreal show. And the GSP / Serra match. All shit which has already been revealed. So really all this is is a formality. Still, I’m sure I’ll be kicking myself for the next year or two for passing up on the opportunity to make Edith Larente cry in person.
**UPDATE** Looks like problems with the live feed. We all know how barren, desolate, and generally unhospitibal the wilds of Canada are and now it seems like these factors are keeping the stream from working. I can only hope that Dana White and the rest of the crew haven’t been lost in some kind of strange sled dog / blizzard incident and will make it back alive.

After what basically amounts to a year+ long vacation (not including pro wrestling stints and catch wrestling an otaku cat maid), Josh Barnett returns to action in March for the unfortunately named World Victory Road. His opponent? Hidehiko Yoshida.

Yes that’s right! The Yoshida who’s a gold medal judo artist. Mind you that gold medal was earned back in 1992, which was also the Olympics that marked Germany’s cold war reuinification. In other words, that was a loooong fucking time ago. In other words, Yoshida is like 38 years old. In other words, Yoshida is a stinky smelly old man who probably applies BenGay and Gold Bond as a part of his stinky smelly old man daily routine.

But a fight is a fight and I’ll take what I can get. World Victory Road has probably just put together a fight that’ll actually put Japanese asses in seats, so who am I to point out that this will be a one sided drubbing? Josh Barnett calls this fight ‘a continuation of the feud between catch wrestling and judo’. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t felt the spandex caress of a wrestling singlet against their groinal area even knows what the fuck he’s talking about. I see this more as Yoshida taking the bullet to set up the big fight and help ‘his’ new promotion. Carry on, crazy Japanese promotion. Carry on.

Also worth noting in Josh Barnett’s MySpace blog is the following:

PS. Rumor control. I have never been offered a match to fight in M-1 or against Aleksander Emelianenko. Alek’s has expressed to me personally his desire for a rematch but without a promotion to make it happen then it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to make this fight happen but I would gladly give him his rematch if it was offered to me. It’s no sweat to me to fight him.

Also, to my knowledge there was never a Roger Gracie vs. Yoshida match. We have been talking with WVR for a long time creating a contract and Yoshida was who was offered from the beginning. I don’t know who put out the rumors or why some news outlets accepted it as fact but there was never a Roger vs. Yoshida fight. Just some wishful thinking on some manager’s part perhaps.

Make a note of that people: a few more examples of why you should never believe half the shit fighters say nowadays. Or perhaps it’s more a testament to the lax fact checking going on across the MMA bloggamaspehre. Or maybe it’s the Japanese you shouldn’t trust and Josh Barnett that was kept in the dark? The Aleks E story was fishy to begin with, the Roger Gracie vs Yoshida story seemed a lot more substantial. Ah, fuck it. I’ll just keep telling you guys what I find out, and then as updates roll out I’ll tell you those too.

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