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Eugh. Why the fuck is it that new promotions come in two flavors:

1. Rich guys who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. They have all the money in the world but can’t seem to put together a logo or website that doesn’t resemble kindergarden kids going at it with crayons. Company burns through a shitload of money, dies on the vine (sometimes before an event even happens), the end.

2. Poor bastards who use their amazing spin skills and hucksterism to create a glorious looking house of cards which is just waiting for the first breeze to knock it over. These guys are smart, their ideas are solid, and they’d make it for sure … if only they had some fucking money. Of course they don’t, they try to rely on advance ticket sales and other sketchy shit in to finance the payment for operations. They choke and die the first time someone demands a deposit on something.

I’m just sick and tired of this Keystone Kops shit. With the exception of EliteXC (barely), Strikeforce, and HDNet Fights, I can’t think of any other middling promotion that’s not fucking retarded.

I hate the “MMA Girls”. Mainly because it’s no longer MMA Girls, it’s MMA Girl. The other one fucked off a while ago, and now it’s just the one with the goofy South African accent that just makes her sound like she’s got a speech impediment. How hard is it to find another MMA girl? Seriously.

Past the issue of her singularity, I also hate the fact that this chick has carved a niche for herself based on the fact that she’s reasonably attractive and she’s talking about MMA. Who fucking cares? Why in God’s name are men suckered into giving a shit whenever women ‘like something cool’? Maybe 10 years ago a hot chick being into MMA would be something to write home about. As it stands, this chick is nothing special and her predictions SUCK COCK.

Let’s take a look at who she tapped for UFC81:

Tim Sylvia vs Big Nog – This daffy bitch picked Big Nog. And while I’d really really really love it if she was right, she simply isn’t. They might as well just let Tim Sylvia stay at his hotel during the fight because there’s no difference between that distance and the distance Sylvia’s gonna keep between him and Nog throughout the entire fight. Expect 25 minutes of Big Tim moving backwards on his bicycle with occasional jabs to keep Nog away. I just don’t think Nog has ever run into an opponent with no interest in actually, ya know … fighting. Tim Sylvia by decision.

Brock Lesnar vs Frank Mir – Again, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I hate Brock Lesnar along with everyone else … honestly, I’m kinda close to putting a hit out on him so I don’t have to keep hearing his name ten times a day for the next 2 years. But there’s no way in fucking hell Frank Mir is going to survive against Lesnar. Expect Brock to put his fist through Mir’s face so hard Mir’s not even going to know what a triangle is, let alone be able to pull one.

Nate Marquardt vs Jeremy Horn – The MMA Girl goes for the safe choice: Nate Marquardt has a comforting record while who knows what’s going on with Jeremy Horn lately. But I think Horn is gonna come in hungry, and Nate’s gonna end up losing a tight one.

Ricardo Almeida vs Alan Belcher – Big surprise, another safe pick. MMA girl chooses Almeida, along with all you other people who haven’t taken into account the difference between MMA in 2004 and MMA in 2008. While I don’t doubt Almeida is going to be dangerous on the ground, I’ve watched his old fights and never saw much worth writing home about. With 4 out of his last 5 fights going to decisions, I don’t see why everyone is masturbating over his submission ability. Add to the equation a pure striking opponent who’s not dumb enough to try and win on the ground, and I think Almeida’s gonna lose.

While I was having one of these friendly looking fellas snaked up my anus, a story was busy snaking its way through the interwebs about Takanori Gomi almost signing with the UFC. The common link between these two things? They’re both likely full of shit.

Let’s take a look at the original story:

A potential deal between Takanori Gomi and the UFC has fallen through, FiveOuncesOfPain.com (www.FiveOuncesOfPain.com) has learned.

FiveOuncesOfPain.com first became aware of the story when a source close to Frankie Edgar revealed that the lightweight contender had been offered and accepted a potential bout vs. Gomi. The fight fell through after the UFC was unable to secure a contract with PRIDE’s final reigning lightweight champion.

There is no word as to why a deal with Gomi was unable to be completed and whether there’s a chance that talks between both sides will resume in the future.

So why is this bullshit? Well according to Edgar’s management Daniel Liguori the whole Gomi thing was nothing but a rumor to begin with and there was never a fight offered or accepted:

Not true he was never offered that fight, we heard a rumor that the ufc was trying to put it together but as of today frank does not have an opp for april 3rd. And the ufc never offered him a fight with gomi.

Another sign that the story wasn’t correct is the fact that MMAJunkie.com didn’t pick it up and carry it. Those guys will carry anything if it’s true … ooh how exciting, the UFC is replaying some shitty All Access show at 4am on Spike. Let’s write a post about it! Snore. But not one blip out of them regarding any possibility that Gomi was close to being signed at all. MMAJunkie is like my canary in the coal mine of MMA news. If they don’t pick up a big story like this, it’s because something’s smelly about it.

I’ve often thought that we’re gonna see some pretty insane MMA fighters coming up in the next 15 years. You better believe a lot of TUF noobs are gonna be pulling their kids out of softball (which sucks) to stick ‘em in MMA schools (which rule) across the country. If you think Georges St Pierre is deadly, wait till you see the next generation who won’t have wasted 6 years doing lame karate.

But hey, if you’re REALLY devoted to your son being the next big thing in cagefighting, how about this: stun that fucker with a taser! And don’t wait until he’s like I dunno 12 and deserves it for talking back. Tase that little shit from the time he’s 2 years old onwards. Stupid? Maybe. I guess we’ll never know if this training regime works because the guy who did it ended up in jail and his kid was taken away from him.

Said the prosecutor: “He wanted his child to be tough … talked about his dream of the child being the toughest cage fighter ever.” Which is pretty spooky, because I’ve shared that dream with many people as well. But I’m not stupid: I wouldn’t reveal to anyone my totally sweet taser training plans, because I wouldn’t want them to steal it and use it on their own children. I can’t even imagine the insanity of two taser trained toddlers going at it. It’d be like Fedor fighting his clone times a billion.

Okay, so my Mexican is non-existent, get off my back. I wouldn’t even have to reveal such terrible shortcomings if the world of MMA wasn’t getting weirder and weirder every day. That’s I guess a bonus of more people getting into this sport … as the fans get more diverse, the kind of shit fans do to pay tribute will get further out there. And the further out there it gets, the more entertaining my blog becomes.

For example, check out this dude’s rousing acoustic rendition of the Pride victory song. Now here’s a song to bang a chick to if I’ve ever heard one. It’ll be nigh impossible to feel like a loser with this going on in the background. And the best part is she’ll think you’re just being romantic, when in truth you’re just THE BIGGEST LAME FANBOY ON EARTH.

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