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(Oldschool Rachelle Leah pic from They don’t make ring girls like her any more

Hope you guys are digging the new wrapup. As I said, it’s an attempt to make sure you don’t miss any big news because I wasn’t able to incorporate enough piss and fart jokes into it. So here we go!

Bob Sapp wants Fedor
I doubt this will happen any time soon but you better believe there’s gonna be interest from Japan, where Fedor fighting the biggest / fattest / tallest fighter has become an annual tradition.

Nate Diaz is sick of Manny’s smack
It doesn’t take much to push a Diaz boy’s buttons, so obviously after being asked 20 times about Manny getting a rematch, Nate Diaz is gonna say “Bring it on bitches, lets do this shit.” Also worth noting is Nick wants to fight as many times a year as possible. True warrior spirit, this kid. I just hope he doesn’t land the same shitty staph luck as his brother down the road.

PFC Champ Shawn Bias 0-1 vs Police
You better believe I was shitting my pants when I read the headline on Sherdog: Bias in Coma, Clinging to Life. And once I read a bit more, I felt extremely guilty for breathing a sigh of relief that the guy wasn’t half dead on account of cagefighting. Regardless, death obviously sucks balls and we are totally not down with it. Here’s hoping Bias recovers.

Amanda Buckner told to sex things up
Amanda Buckner was basically asked by EliteXC to grow out her dyke hair and put on some freaking makeup, for God’s sake. And while I’d still give Bodog the win on sleaze factor, at least they were willing to promote female fighters who weren’t smoking hot. Of course, perhaps that is why they failed?

Misaki vs Akiyama ruled a no contest
So it looks like that kick WAS illegal. Or not … you know, I’d feel a little better about this if they weren’t just doing it to set up a rematch. On the other hand, I wants me a rematch. I’m still waiting for Misaki to get his karmic comeuppance for winning the Bushido tournament even though he lost during it.

Koscheck given some guy named Dustin to fight
Dustin Hazlett is just one of those guys who seems so bland and uninteresting that I have no idea who he is, who he fought, how he did, et cetera et cetera. And I’m kinda a big fan. Anyhow, he’s now fighting Josh Koscheck, and even the guys at MMAJunkie are basically saying “This is a dangerous fight for Koscheck because losing to someone as faceless and unknown as Dustin Whatever would make him look like a pretty big bitch.”

Jon Fitch vs Chris Wilson
Continuing the trend of favor bookings Dana White seems to be making to pay Dan Henderson for moving to middleweight, Team Quest fighter Chris Wilson will be filling in for Akihiro Gono at UFC 82. The guy’s 13-3 and fought for the IFL and Bodogfight. So i guess he’s okay maybe. Or maybe not. I should really youtube him or something. But it’s 12:30 and I’m sleepy.

Mark Coleman to the UFC Hall of Fame
So yeah, Mark Coleman might be getting into the Hall of Fame at UFC82. Everyone keeps saying Coleman is the ‘inventor of ground and pound’. I wish they’d give him credit as being the guy who invented ‘ground and headbutt the fuck out of your opponent’. Seriously, the guy only invented g’n’p after they made headbutts illegal. No word yet on how long till the UFC pisses off Coleman like they have all the other Hall of Fame members.

For someone with a cock tattoed on his chest, Brock Lesnar sure doesn’t give any love to guys who play for the other team:

To print what Brock Lesnar said might make even John Rocker blush. But after his curse-laden outburst, he turned to a nearby reporter and explained, “I don’t like gays. Write that down in your little notebook. I don’t like gays.”

Offended? Too bad. He doesn’t care what you think. What your mom thinks. Or what that guy at the end of the bar thinks, his sexual orientation not withstanding. Lesnar is a self-described “blue-collar redneck” who owns a 47-acre ranch and spends his free time jumping up and down on beds — sometimes breaking them — with his 2-year-old daughter, Mya.

We love to joke about homos and gays and all that stuff, mainly because we’re amazed that people today still give a shit about it. It’s like finding people who still hate Jews and Commies. Or people who think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote or drive. Sure, the bitches can’t fucking drive and just vote the same way their husbands do. But we’ve got to at least pretend they’re equal so they’ll put our penises in their mouth.

So yeah, back to homos. I understand that gay people probably make a lot of our readers a bit uncomfortable. And I’m cool with that. As hard as I try, I still get a bit nervous around black hip hop thugs. So I can relate if you feel the same way around gay people. That’s okay. But what’s not okay is someone who just decides straight out to hate gay people. Because that makes you an ignorant bigot.

Looks like Fedor’s crack management team have shifted their sights off Pedro Rizzo and onto Semmy Schilt. You might think this is a bit strange of them … they’re actually setting up what could be considered A HARDER FIGHT for Fedor. But when you remember that styles make fights in MMA, you start to realize that Semmy Schilt is yet another carefully picked opponent.

First let me preface this by saying I’ve got hella respect for Semmy Schilt. Sure he looks like the world’s largest geek, but he’s more than paid his dues in both kickboxing and MMA. The guy’s got a legitimate record including a decision loss to Fedor where Fedor basically had to lie on him for three rounds to win a decision. But just once, I’d like to see Fedor fight an opponent who’s

  • in the same weight class
  • not 40+ years old (excluding Randy)
  • not a joke on the ground

And that’s my problem with Schilt … I just don’t think he has the ground pedegree to hang with Fedor. Of course, you could say that I’m not gonna be satisfied with Fedor’s opponents until he’s fighting Josh Barnett. After all, Josh is basically a larger, goofier version of Randy Couture who just happens to NOT be stuck in crazy legal quagmires. I’m just saying.

Can’t he manage to stay out of jail?

The 28-year-old lightweight from Ocala, Fla., will be arraigned Tuesday for charges stemming from a domestic dispute on Jan. 9 — Bennett’s 25th arrest in Marion County since December 1997, according to media reports.

The arraignment comes just two days before “Krazy Horse” was scheduled to fight Victor Valenzuela (Pictures) for a third time in King of the Cage.

The only explanation I can think of is that Victor Valenzuela placed some prank phonecalls to the Florida police saying “Eeee! Help me, I am a girl and Charles Bennett is beating me up!” And knowing Bennett, there’s a 50% chance that he’s in the process of doing just that when the popo arrive. Or a 25% chance he’s stuffing a chick in the trunk of his car. Then there’s a 20% chance he’ll assault a police officer while being arrested.

All in all, there’s a pretty good chance that Krazy Horse is ALWAYS in the middle of something illegal.

Oh big surprise of surprises! Xyience continues to slide down the slippy slopes of financial ruin and has just filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, which sounds much more serious that Chapter 10 or 9. At least it’s not CHAPTER 13. I’m not actually sure what the different chapters entail but 13 is a bad ass number. Those familiar with the case, either through Rich Bergeron’s insane but probably true rantings or Adam Swift’s Payout site, know that Xyience has been in trouble for a while.

Without going into conspiracy land, the general gist of the story is that Lorenzo Fertitta and Dana White are highschool buddies with the original owners of Xyience, Russel and Jennifer Pikes. Lorenzo bailed Xyience out several times over the years, most recently to allegedly cover overdue sponsorship money owed to UFC fighters.

But a small product line, insane advertising budget, and a whole lot of alleged embezzling sunk the company into debt, and a few months ago they fired their entire sales staff. From there the company’s been coasting on fumes, and now here we are: Bankruptcy land.

To me, I don’t really give a shit. I’m just glad to see Xyience off the center of the Octagon canvas and out of the hands of every UFC fighter who wins a bout. What about the loser? Why doesn’t the loser get to sip from a closed can of delicious Sour Apple Xenergy too?

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