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The fuckover is now complete: Andrei Arlovski will face off against the Ultimate Blanket Jake O’Brien in the preliminaries of UFC82. That’s right, baby: going out against a blanket in the dark matches. When Dana White wants to bury you, he buries you good.

Let’s quickly run through the events leading up to this news, Fightlinker stylez:

May 2007 : Arlovski sucks it up against Werdum, loses his title shot.

August 2007 : People realize something is up. Where the fuck is Andrei?

September 2007 : It comes to light that Zuffa has benched Arlovski until he agrees to a new contract

October 2007 : All quiet on the Arlovski front. We take the down time to analyze his girlfriend’s titties.

November 2007 : Dana White says he has no idea why Andrei Arlovski isn’t fighting. He claims he’d be on a plane to Chicago in a second if there was something that could be done. Later that month Dana White reiterates on a phone interview that he doesn’t think Arlovski is going anywhere.

December 2007 : Well shit! Word starts to come from legit websites (aka not us) that Andrei is waiting his contract out and plans to jump ship. Arlovski’s people quickly state for the record that this is retardulous (nervously eying the UFC’s legal team while they say it).

January 2008 : Andrei Arlovski’s management and trainers look like they’re going to be participating in the IFL. Eyebrows are raised across the board and people await the inevitable backlash from Dana White, who hates the IFL with the intensity of 5000 suns. That’s when we hear the first mention of Arlovski getting ousted by way of blanket.

Okay, here’s a clusterfuck of a situation. The UFC says they want Mirko Crocop to fight. Mirko Crocop keeps saying he wants to fight. Yet days and weeks have gone by, events have been booked and still there is nary a sign of Croat-checkered tights on the UFC’s horizon. So what the fuck is going on? Is this another case of Dana White double-speaking like with Andrei Arlovski? Is this a case of Mirko Crocop trying to muddy the waters as he prepares to jump ship?

Who fucking knows.

All I do know is that there’s a common thread connecting a whole bunch of bullshit : Ken Imai. Who the hell is that? That’s Crocop’s retardo Japanese manager. He also happens to be Takanori Gomi’s manager. Now I’m not smart enough to be talking indepth about the crazy shit going on over in Japan or what’s up regarding anything with Japanese fighters or fight policy. But one thing I will say in general terms just so you all can play along at home is this: Ken Imai is the guy behind all the bullshit that’s been happening with Mirko Crocop, Takanori Gomi, and the UFC. I’d bet my left nut this whole thing is his damn fault.

There seems to be a general rule in MMA lately that if you involve the Japanese or the Russians, shenanigans will occur. I’m all for zesty shenanigans that result in more fights for all. The drama’s great for site traffic, and who doesn’t love some insane backroom dealings? But lately all the zest has been sucked from shenanigans and we’re left with my favorite fighters sitting out for months or years. And that just sucks balls.

There’s only one thing to say after hearing that 13,000 of the 21,000 tickets to UFC 83 in Montreal were scooped up by UFC Fight Club members: You motherfucking scalpers. You whores. I fucking hate your cocksucking guts. And I’m going to make it my personal mission to kick your faces in if I see you scalping tickets to the Montreal event.

Dana White’s got a post-coital glow going about these big numbers. Not only did he probably just make a cool quarter million from Canadians buying UFC Fight Club membership, but now he gets to act like a huge chunk of these fucking tickets aren’t going to end up on Ebay. Well, let’s wait and see. My bet is there’s gonna be more scalping going on than for that stupid Hannah Montana shit (for those keeping count, that’s 2 Hannah Montana references in one week. Boo-yah! Daz how we rollz).

I fucking hate scalpers. Fucking hate them. And I hate the entertainment industry for being too dumb to figure out a way to stop them that doesn’t involve making the real fans jump through 1001 hoops to get their tickets. This Fight Club shit is a perfect example. Society has just hit a point where people are just barely too smart for their own good – they get the idea of supply and demand. So you’ve probably got a good 1000+ Fight Club members living in California who are planning on doubling their money off scalped UFC83 tickets. And to them I say again: Fuck you, you fucking fucks.

**UPDATE** FUCK YOU ALL.

I bet on Jeremy Horn. No, not with any real moneys. But back when I was ripping the MMA Girl for her picks (funny how that turned out, huh?), I tapped Horn to take Marquardt. I figured Horn would be hungry and ready for one more big money run before hanging up the gloves. God knows the guy deserves it … he’s like one of the original MMA journeymen, with over 100 freaking fights under his belt.

Of course, now I know why lots of bettors don’t actually commit to a fighter until they see him at the weigh-ins. Horn’s old nickname was ‘Gumby’, and it was appropriate for all the wrong reasons on Saturday: he was soft and flabby looking. As soon as he took off his shirt at ringside I was like “Aw, shit.”

Hey, I’m not one to believe you have to be a rippling slice o’ man meat to get places in the UFC, but Horn was simply outmuscled by Marquart. Note to Jeremy: All those big muscles and shit do help. While a flabby armed guillotine probably feels like getting your neck stuck in a hydabed (not pleasant, trust me), a guillotine from a musclehead like Nate Marquard is like getting caught in a bear trap. You tap the fuck out before your head pops off. And that’s exactly what happened on Saturday.

So what’s next for Horn? I dunno, but I’d say he needs to meet with a nutritionist, re-introduce himself to the gym, and either cut down to 170 or bulk up so he’s not the bitch of the middleweight division. Oh, and am I the only one who was sad Horn apparently grew some testicles and decided NOT to come out to that 17 year old girl’s cover of Holding on for a Hero? I mean, I’m down with AC/DC and all. But come on. Bonnie Tyler FTW.

Hey remember when Dana White said they wouldn’t release bonuses until fighters cleared their drug tests? Well that didn’t last very long. Perhaps the checks are held until testing comes back, but the announcements are still made now. That certainly makes a lot more sense than keeping mum on the subject until midway through next week when lab results are in and no one gives a shit any more.

Here’s the bonuses, which were bumped up to 60k a pop as a subtle “Shut the fuck up” to all the websites out there. There was a lot of talk over the past few weeks regarding the UFC tightening their belt with lower and lower bonus amounts, so I guess Dana thinks he can prove people wrong or at least throw them off guard with this latest spike in pay.

Fight of the Night: Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Tim Sylvia
Submission of the Night: Frank Mir
Knockout of the Night:
Chris Lytle

You can’t argue with the Frank Mir submission … managing a kneebar while being pounded upon by a giant freak is a feat to behold. And given the lack of a real competitive war on the card, I’m also down with Sylvia vs Nogueira getting the nod for fight of the night. I’m sure everyone is still just in shock over the fact that Tim Sylvia fought. He really fought. Wow. Blows my frackin’ mind. But Chris Lytle getting KO of the night? That’s just robbing Tim Boetsch, you fuckers.

Look at it like this: Chris Lytle’s opponent was a UFC virgin who’s record was padded with wins over a bunch of guys who have under .500 records. I haven’t seen a more disgraceful matchup in a long time. It’s almost to the point where the NSAC should be ashamed for even sanctioning that fight. Tim Boetsch’s record wasn’t exactly stellar either, but at least he was fighting someone with similar experience and skill in David Heath.

The point is, Boetsch’s win was much more impressive because you got the feeling going in that Heath was supposed to win, the same way Lytle was supposed to win. To me that makes Boetsch’s KO better. Pardon me if I’m not impressed by a salty veteran knocking the fuck out of a UFC virgin. How about we put Lytle up against a 14 year old next time so we have more excuses to give him bogus bonus money? I hate Chris Lytle so much. So very much.

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