Okay folks, here we go again. Another two hours of liveblogging direct from my hetero life partner Jake’s freezing apartment. Fortunately his gigantic TV makes up for it. For those of you who want to join us in the live chat, here’s the instructions:
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9:06 Hey everyone and sorry for getting started late … Futurama is just too addictive. Fortunately, commercials make UFC Fight Nights so much easier to blog. No diaper tonight, we got pee breaks! Also notice I added a ‘reload’ button for you guys. So don’t say I never did nothing for ya, okay?
9:10 I’m so glad UFC Fight Nights are leaving the Pearl … the only place worse than the Pearl is the Hard Rock. Fuck that rinky dink shit. Looks like Nate Diaz vs Alvin Robinson.
Nate Diaz looks like a mutant and talks like a retard. Goldberg says we need to ‘watch out for Alvin Robinson’. Yeah, because he’ll steal your car stereo. Fuck, Nate Diaz is like a lightweight Mike Tyson. He sounds ridiculous.
ALVIN ROBINSON VS NATE DIAZ
Nate Diaz flexes like he’s got something. His physique reminds me of the zombies in I Am Legend.
Diaz walks forward picks Alvin up and slams him. Diaz drops some elbows from the top and edges into half guard. Alvin is working a guillotine and Nick Diaz picks Alvin up and slams him. Dumb move, he’s stuck in a really deep choke now. Nate’s holding on and now pops out.
Diaz is looking a bit pissed now, he’s throwing wacky punches like his older brother … not a lot of mustard behind those puppies. Nice, a shoulder fwap. And now Nate is in side control. Nate’s trying to pin Alvin’s arm and ends up being reversed. But shit, turns into an omoplata. I’ve never seen one of these work and Alvin’s out of it and on top in Diaz’s guard.
Diaz is throwing his hips up looking for an armbar. That doesn’t work so he lands a triangle outta nowhere. And Alvin taps. Man, that went from nothing to a sick sub in like 2 seconds.
WINNER: NATE DIAZ : TRIANGLE SUBMISSION
9:18 Man, I forgot how sick I am of Castrol commercials. But not Rambo commercials. I heart Rambo.
9:20 Why do they keep trying to sell Robinson as skilled. Dude sucks. Fuck, Nate needs to train more with his speech therapist. No Mickey’s sponsored replay. Where’s mah malt liquor, bitches? I liked how Joe pulls the mic away from Nick and Nick whacks him for it.
9:25 Is this an Ultimate Fight Night or just one big commercial for Turok? I can’t believe these fuckers get away with stuffing this shit so full of commercials. It’s been 30 minutes and we’ve seen one 2 minute fight. Balls
9:27 Omigawa’s looking SERIOUS. You don’t usually see Japanese guys lookin angry but i’d say that’s how Omigawa’s looking. Too bad you can’t win when you’re fighting a guy named Thiago.
9:28 Man, this is the UFN where no one can speak english, not even the translators. The translator for Omigawa sounded like a fucking eskimo.
9:29 Those Tavares highlights are SICK. His beatdown of Jason Black was legendary. Nice, Thiago wants to ‘beat Omigawa so bad he want to go home. To Japan.’
MICHIHIRO OMIGAWA VS THIAGO TAVARES
Man, why the fuck is Omigawa in the UFC if his record is 4-5? That’s crazy. Can you do the math? 4-5 vs 16-1. The ref looks like a freaking serial killer.
These guys a rekeeping their distance … omigawa shoots in and Thiago reverses him and is now in Omigawa’s guard. Omigawa steands up against the fence and Thiago picks him up and slams him in the middle of the ring. Omigawa tries to push Thiago off him with his legs but Thiago holds onto his feet and crawls back up Omigawa’s body.
Thiago goes for a footlock but gives it up a second later. Omigawa pushes him off and gets to his feet but Thiago is all over him like a fat kid on candy. He gets Omigawa’s back standing and pulls him down. Thiago now has Omigawa’s back. Thiago’s going for a choke and Omigawa’s just waiting, defending. Thiago is being patient, not throwing many punches.
Omigawa raises up to try and dump Thiago off. FIrst attempt doesn’t work but second attempt does. Thiago falls off, pushes Omigawa against the fence then circles around and has Omigawa’s back again. He dumps Omigawa and crawls up his back for an armbar. But Omigawa reverses it and is now in Tavares’ guard. Lotta ground action here, good shit so far. 30 seconds left.
Omigawa just landed two hard hard strikes and now steps back to throw some leg kicks. Horn sounds, round is over.
Winner: Tavares, more dominant positions. Neither side’s taken much damage tho.
They circle at a distance again. Thiago shoots but doesn’t land it. ANother agressive shoot and this one works, Thiago’s now in Omigawa’s guard up against the fence. Omigawa’s keeping the guard open and pushes Thiago off with his feet and stands back up. Oooh, Omigawa with the very slow spinning back fist.
Thiago shoots again, holding on to a leg. They’re struggling here, and Omigawa pushes him off. They circle, circle circle circle. They haven’t really done anything for about a minute. Thiago seems to be trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Thiago shoots. Omigawa stuffs him. They circle some more. Has Tavares blown his load?
People are getting restless. People are booin. THiago punches Omigawa then drops, grabs, and drags. Tavares in Omigawa’s guard, not doing too much. You can tell he’s just holding on so Omigawa doesn’t throw him off with his legs. I’ve never seen someone with such a good butterfly guard. Omigawa pushes him off and stands back up. 15 seconds to go and Omigawa finally seems to be feeling a little confidence
Winner: I dunno. I’d say Tavares, but i’m biased.
Lets see if Omigawa realizes he can actually win. His corner is screaming something constantly, I wonder if it’s good advice that Omigawa is ignoring? Tavares pushes Omigawa against the fence and takes him down. No intensity at all in this fight man. It just seems like both guys don’t know what to do with eachother. Omigawa tries to sit up before throwing Thiago off and gets punched in the face for his efforts. But then Omigawa ends up on top in Tavares’ guard. At least it’s a different position.
Nice, Thaigo throws some nice upkicks that catch Omigawa in the face. No crazy damage but it looked good. Oh shit. Looks like one of those kicks made Omigawa bleed. Thaigo rolls Omigawa over and is now on top. Both fighters trying to leave an impression on the judges in the last minute. Thiago is sluggin away and then gets thrown on his back. Omigawa holds him on his back until the ref stands the fight with 10 seconds left. The result: he basically stopped the fight 10 seconds early.
Winner: Tavares for aggression and those kicks.
9:50 Oh man … they show a preview for “Never Back Down”, that shitty teen cage fighting movie.
9:52 Goddamn the Tapout guys are retards. “We is on Spike, just chillin!”
And the judges give it to Thiago Tavares.
WINNER: THIAGO TAVARES / DECISION
9:54 : Okay it’s official: Way too many commercials. Okay the commercial with the leprachaun was pretty awesome. But that’s it.
9:57 : Eugh dear jesus. Now they’re talking to Stallone. Well, I guess it continues the trend of people who can’t speak properly.
9:58 : Wow. Did you know that Rambo is all about raising awareness for the Burma Genocide? How topical. “The world needs another Rambo” Yes, sir. It does.
9:59 : There’s a fight breaking out in the audience, and Rogan and Stallone stop for about 20 seconds to watch it.
How long has it been since a fight happened? 15 to 20 minutes? Jesus.
10:04 Time for Drew McFedries vs Patrick Cote. Man, can Patrick summon up the emotion that McFedries is gonna have after his mom died?
PATRICK COTE VS DREW MCFEDRIES
Drew looks a little bit out of it. Patrick on the other hand looks like he’s ready to get it on.
Why do they keep on saying this fight has ‘fireworks written all over it’? Cote is famous for boring freaking matches. They engage, McFedries lands some good strikes and a knee. They break and circle. Ooog Cote tries a kick which is blocked but was pretty damned solid. Oooh, McFedries whacked Cote in the jaw and Cote gets pissed and just rushes forward swinging. He hurts McFedries and Drew crumples. Cote steps in and just hammers away till the ref stops.
Not even the time delay can keep Patrick Cote from slipping about 10 ‘fucks’ through his screaming celebration
WINNER: Patrick Cote, KO
10:14 : Holy shit, it’s Rachelle Leah. I thought she was dead or something. She looks old. Like a hot mom or something. Haha, oh man. Is Cote doing the belt motion? Yeah fucking right.
Oooh, they’re giving us a prelim fight. Sweet. Pellegrino vs Crane.
ALBERTO CRANE VS KURT PELLEGRINO
Man, Kurt is looking kinda rough. Looks like he’s gonna cry or something.
Holdy fuck, Crane kicked Kurt right in the fucking face and then jumps into a guillotine. Blood’s coming out of Pellegrino’s face and he still seems a bit fucked up from that kick. Crane is hanging on to some weird arm lock that doesn’t seem like it’s gonna stop anything.
They seperate and are back on their feet. Man, Kurt’s winning on the feet, his punches are harder and faster. Crane’s punches look like setups for shoots and that’s it. They continue to circle, with Kurt throwing forward good combos that don’t land. Oooh there’s a combo that lands. Kurt gets cocky and slaps his own face. Crane moves in, gets pushed back, and then looks like he eats an illegal knee. Kurt moves in and tries to punch a few times but steps back. Looks like he’s a bit afraid of Crane’s ground game.
Kurt whaps Crane a few times hard and seems to stagger him. Crane shoots in and Kurt reverses him hardcore. Crane pushes Kurt off as the end of the round happens.
Winner: I gotta give it to Pellegrino. Crane is a mess now.
Crane’s got that look in his eye like he’s tired of being punched in the face. He shoots in and is working to take Kurt down. Now they’re in a stalemate … Kurt’s just letting Crane work and Crane’s just happy to not be getting punched. Oh shit. Crane gets Kurt’s back … and then he slips off and is now on the bottom. As usual, Crane sticks his legs up in the air looking for something and leaves himself open for a beating. Kurt is happy to stand out and reign down punches. All of a sudden the fight is stopped for Kurt.
On the replay it looks like Kurt smashed Crane with a punch right in the already puffed cheekbone. Crane screamed, covered up, and turtled. Even though he immediately started to roll out, the ref had already stopped it. I know it would have ended the same but I wouldn’t have minded seeing more
WINNER: KURT PELLEGRINO / TKO
Oh man, that cut on Kurt’s lip is one for the ‘nasty’ book.
10:30 : Oh what the fuck … more in-show commercials, this one for some comedy movie. Wow, that movie looks like shit.
10:35 : I keep forgetting how gross that Tim Sylvia arm snap thing is. Goddamn.
10:38 : Rogan’s selling Swick’s weight drop. Oh jesus, Rogan wants more weight classes. How about no, Joe. No.
10:39 : Fuck, Swick is such a pretty boy. He’s got a fucking Kid’n’Play hairdo. And Josh is such an ugly face. That yellow bastard. Good matchup.
10:40 : Burkman breaks into talking about himself in the third person. Congrats Josh on hitting that level of narcissism.
10:43 : Goldberg says ‘Burkman always brings it’. He didn’t against Petz. He sucked balls against Petz.
10:45 : Burkman’s Corner is so woefully prepared. They’re taking forever to get the promo banner over the cage. And it gets all of zero seconds.
10:46 : What’s it with the whitest guys in the world walking out to super gangsta rap?
JOSH BURKMAN VS MIKE SWICK
Swick looks ripped at 170. Might have actually been a good idea to move down if WW wasn’t so retardedly stacked.
Rambo gets more cheer than the fighters. Go Pearl. Your crowd fucking sucks.
I can’t get over Burkman’s bitchback tattoo. Burkman pushes Swick against the cage. Lets see if the drop means he’s the strongest guy at 170. Oh, no? Poor Swick. Burkman dropping knees. Swick puts Burkman against the cage now, then reverse again. Pornstache pulls them apart.
Burkman swings and shoots against the fence. He’s blowing his load holding Swick against the fence. Man, imagine a Burkman with some Judo tosses. That’d be sweet. But no. Pushing. Pushing. Oh, and lift and slam. But Swick gets right back up. More pushing. Steve-Maz breaks em up
Swick needs to let his fists fly. He’s getting controlled like Okami controlled him. They’re circling, Swick’s not doing much. Haha what the fuck … Burkman throws a crazy reverse jump kick, wushu style! It misses, but it was pretty cool.
They tie up agianst the fence and are throwing knees. They seperate and swing, no good connects though. End of round 1
Winner: Burkman by Octagon control.
Countdown clock is on for Burkman gassing. More crazy roundhouse kicks from Burkman, dude’s fucking kick crazy. Is he replacing his useless slams with useless kicks? Swick pushes Burkman against the cage, Steve-Maz knows where this is going and seperates them.
Shit, Swick just kicked Burkman in the neck and then just stands and watches to see what happens. Oh look, Burkman recovered. So that’s what happens when you don’t attack a hurt opponent. Who’d have thunk it.
More pushing against the cage and another split by the ref.
Swick is starting to swing some more. Now it’s a fruity kick competition as Swick throws a spinning back kick. They’re circling eachother, waiting for something or other. Burkman shoots in and pushes Swick against the cage. T-minus 20 seconds till another ref break. And the ref breaks em.
And Burkman pushes Swick against the cage again. T-minus 20 seconds till the round ends. And it ends in hugging. Nice pep to end the rounds, you jackasses.
Winner: I’ll give it to Swick. I dunno why. Just because.
Woah, Burkman comes out hard with a kick. Burkman looks like he sucked a lemon, low blow perhaps? No stop though and it’s just more pushing against the cage. Ref splits them and now Burkman keeps pushing.
Burkman needs to stop going for takedowns and just swing for the fences. Goldberg pontificates on this being a hard decision (IF it goes to a decision … yeah, like it’s gonna end with these guys fighting like this). Swick ain’t pushing the pace at all. Is there something in the water at the Pearl to make the fighters less aggressive?
Burkman is tired like a motherfucker, his hands are at his ankles. Everytime Burkman moves forward, Swick jumps back. I’m giving the edge to Burkman because he’s actually pushing the pace a bit at least. And they’re up against the cage again. Ref split in t-minus 10 seconds. Ref splits em.
Sloppy elbow strike by Burkman. Swick is doing some cooky chicken dance. Why not use that energy to try and hit the other guy? And they’re up against the fence again. 20 seconds left. And neither guy is exploding. They split and circle. Burkman runs in and tries to strike away. Swick backs up, and goes for the takedown but can’t get it before the round ends.
Winner: Burkman because he wasn’t reversing like a vagina the entire round
Here comes the judge’s decision. 29-28, 29-28, 29-29 Mike Swick.
29-29? Is that even possible?
What the fuck?
WINNER: MIKE SWICK / BULLSHIT DECISION
Yeah everyone is booing like a motherfucker. Now Mike Swick is blaming the fight on cutting too much. Boo-hoo you dumb shit. Swick keeps on talking about how strong Burkman was … looks like the cut didn’t help him avoid stronger guys. Ooops!
With boos ringing in my ear we leave this liveblog. As Swick said, “I’m sorry guys, I should have floored it more”. Next time it’ll be less technical and more retardo fun.
Now on to the live radio show!