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MMA Magazine Review: Elite Fighter
Issue Reviewed: January 2008
Rating: 5/10

This magazine reads like a bad Maxim knockoff with a few MMA-related articles stuck in as an afterthought. Okay, that might seem a bit harsh, but I’m pretty annoyed at the amount of unrelated material clogging up this magazine. The angle I guess they were working for is that this wasn’t a magazine devoted to fighting, but rather the ‘lifestyle associated with fighting’. And what’s that, you ask? Annoying blingy hiphop gangsta fashionista fuckwad. Or something.

Filler that pissed me off: ‘Mixed Nutz’ section with info on beer, the galaxy, pro wrestling vocabulary, ‘useless trivia’, and some shit about clouds. Five ‘hot girlz’ features, which seems a bit excessive. Two articles on heavy metal musicians that ‘like MMA’. An OWL Magazine style ‘Match the closeup picture of the fighter’s hair to the fighter’s name’ thing. IFL Trivia (barf). And on and on.

Okay, now that I’ve got that off my chest, the thing isn’t all that bad. There were a few good feature articles … they had pieces on Matt Hughes and Dan Henderson, which were notable because they concentrated on their personal lives rather than fight careers. I got to see pics of Hughes’s wife (hot) and Hendo’s wife (not). Oh wait, that was Hendo’s dog. Never mind.

But still, those articles were pretty good and unique. They also got Mike Swick’s girlfriend to write about a vacation to South America, which was a bit banal but still unique enough for me to say thumbs up. And there was a thing about Keith Hackney which was pretty rockin (although not as deep as it could have been).

All in all there’s just something weird about this magazine. There wasn’t any info on subscription to it, but there were cards to subscribe to Ultimate Grappling, plus lots of ads for Ultimate Grappling. Is Elite Fighter the dumping ground for unused Ultimate Grappling content? I dunno, but the quality level fits the description.

Pros: Only 29 of the 96 pages were ads, pretty good ratio there. Design is slick. Lots of half naked chicks … I’d almost say ‘too many’ but can we really say that? The feature pieces are decent, but there just wasn’t enough of them.

Cons: The filler is pretty low grade, to the point of sucking all enjoyment out of the magazine. Waaaay too much barely MMA-related content. They kept interviewing the half naked chicks like we give a fuck which fighter is their favorite. Oh you like Chuck Liddell? How unique! There were like 4 things on the IFL in there, which is 3 things too many.

Final Conclusion: I wouldn’t buy this magazine again. The ‘direction’ of the magazine is just too helter skelter and basically reads like the Tiger Beat of MMA magazines. I have no idea if they’re trying to appeal to teenage boys or airhead girls. Maybe both? Blah.

Okay, word is Eddie Sanchez got awarded knockout of the night somehow, which of course means he got a $50,000 bonus. For those number crunchers among you, that basically doubles what Sanchez made on the fight. Now you all know me: I’m apparently a big communist pinko for suggesting that lower level fighters get paid more than the scaps the UFC drops from the dinner table. But in the case of Eddie Sanchez, I think he’s getting paid too fucking much.

In fact, I think that Sanchez’ bonus should go to the people he REALLY knocked out: the MMA fans who had to suffer through his bullshit fight with Soa Palalei. The only award that fight should have won was ‘Worst Fight of the Night’ … to remind you of how terrible this fight was let me quote my own liveblog of the experience:

Eddie pushes Soa back with strikes but spins him against the cage and now he’s the one pushing someone against the cage. I slap myself to try and stay awake. Although I give this a 10 out of 10 for quality hugging. Yep. That’s some good tender hugging. Yes, struggle to hug. Hug to struggle. It’s all good baby. Aw Yamasaki, why you stopping the hugging?

They’re split, and Eddie is throwoing shitty jabs. Soa finally pushes Eddie against the fence and Eddie starts yelling “Yeehaw, come on boy! Yeah boy!” I’m not making this up. Yamasaki is equally disturbed and splits it.

In two and a half rounds, Mario Yamasaki seperated the fighters due to inaction 5 fucking times. Nuff said! And it’s not like Sanchez couldn’t have finished it. Right off the bat in the second round it was obvious Palalei was toast, but Eddie just didn’t have the balls to stand on the outside and finish him off. It was like watching Stephen Hawking drop a game of Connect Four to an eight year old. Sure, Eddie’s not Hawking, but wouldn’t it be cool if he was? I’d love to hear “Yeehaw, come on boy!” coming out of Hawking’s voicebox computer. In fact, I think it would sound a little something like this.

That’s just how we roll, motherfuckers. Of course, I don’t really think some guy in a long white robe declared us to be unfit   for viewing. Most likely the government has buzz words like ‘shit’, ‘piss’, ‘cocks’, ‘eating cocks’, ‘piss eating cocks’, ‘eating cocks that piss shit’, et cetera ad infinitum.

Everyone over at the Luke Cummo forums hate us here at Fightlinker because we say mean things about purging, Dr Jubb, and drinking urine. But the truth of the matter is we don’t ‘hate’ on Luke … in fact, Luke is in my top 10 list of favorite fighters. The fact that he’s a total weirdo just pushes him higher up on the scale. I mean really … who else is gonna tell you about pouring 2 litres of coffee up their anus?

After that I laid on my right side with my feet elevated as my coffee brewed. The next step is the coffee enema. The coffee relaxes the sphincter of Oddi which is the opening of the gallbladder. This allows more stones to be passed. Its 2 liters of coffee held in for 12-15 minutes. I massage in a counter-clockwise motion (looking down at the belly button) to help the coffee get up to the gallbladder. It also helps with any cramping of the intestines.

Needless to say, when the fifteen minutes was up I ran to the bathroom. Wow did it feel great! Imagine one long push and it sounds like urination. I think my intestines were inside out afterward. I pushed them back in with toilet paper and wiped my ass starting from the top of my buttcheeks down to my hamstrings. There may have been some splashing. LOL @ you for reading that!

Doing things differently will always garner you unwanted attention. For example, we here at Fightlinker don’t want the attention of Luke Cummo’s forums calling us assholes and jerks etc. That’s just mean! But they stick to their site and we stick to our ours, and neither of us go out of our way to get in eachother’s faces. They’re free to say whatever they want while sticking ginger roots in their buttholes and we’ll do the same too (minus the ginger root).

But if they don’t want to hear anyone give their opinions about their dumb nutritional ideas, then they shouldn’t have started this two week advertisement on MMA Junkie. I’m just saying.

It has been 20 years since Jean Claude Van Damme earned the title of best fighter in the universe by defeating Chong Li in the finals of the Kumite. But in light of Fedor Emelianenko’s stunning defeat of the unstoppable giant Hong Man Choi, JCVD (as he is known to friends and fans) has made the decision to pass the title onwards to this new generation of fighters.

“I am happy to say I have finally found another fighter worthy of my title,” said Jean Claude on New Year’s Eve. “For over 20 years I have been renown throughout the world as the Most Awesome Fighter in the Universe. Now it is time to step down and give my position to the new unstoppable force, Fedor Emelianenko!”

Does this mean that the mighty Van Damme has retired? “Yes, it could be” mused Van Damme. “There was some talk of having me fight Fedor before passing on the title of world’s greatest, but I thought I had held it long enough and it was time to let someone new into the spotlight.”

The change marks a tumultuous end to Jean Claude’s title as the world’s greatest fighter. Throughout the 80s and 90s Jean Claude faced stiff competition like Bolo Yeung, Dolph Lundgren, Lance Henriksen, his own evil twin, Raul Julia, the entire cast of Street Fighter, and Bill Goldberg.

But in the past few years his list of opponents has dwindled as he has faced farcical competition again and again in direct to DVD flops. This has led to many people questioning Jean Claude’s title as the Most Awesome Fighter in the Universe.

“This marks the beginning of a new era for the World’s Most Awesome Fighter in the Universe,” said Monte Cox, Fedor’s manager or something. “We will not hide behind politics or business plans in order to protect Fedor. He will fight the strongest fighters in the world. In fact, we have just travelled through time to find the best heavyweight in history: Pedro Rizzo from 2001!

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