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Where to start, where to start. I guess a good place is with the hosts of the show, Stephan Bonnar and Forrest Griffin. I dunno if they were fooling around trying to act effeminate or something, but yeah … I’ve seen gay caberet hosts who were less gay than these two gaytards. Don’t ask why I’ve seen gay cabarets and I won’t have to explain it. We’ll all be much happier that way.

My girlfriend (who made some of the trashier parts of the show kind of embarrassing to watch with) pointed out that every ‘scene’ had the two guys posed in a different way. It was funny to see Bonnar with his arm oh so casually on his waist staring blankly away from the camera whenever he wasn’t speaking.

**UPDATE** I got em all in one post now to contain the stank of TUF.

Anyways, onto the ‘greatest’ moments:

25. Chris Leben pisses on some dude’s pillow
I dunno what’s up with Chris Leben lately … it looks like he’s been on a steady regiment of botox and crack lately. If he grew his hair out he’d begin to resemble Carrot Top. Anyways, you know you’re off to a bad start when pissing on a guy’s bed is one of the ‘greatest moments’.

24. Shonie doesn’t give a fuck
By the time this moment happened I’d given up on TUF4 (which I called “The Shonie Carter Show), so this was the first time I’d seen this. I gotta hand it to Shonie though … he’s got a definite way with words. The little tirade he spits out on the fly is probably the best rant I’ve heard since one of the best speeches since Samuel Jackson’s Ezekiel 25:17 speech in Pulp Fiction.

23. Mikey Burnett vs The Wall
Mikey reminded me of a cross between Goldmember and a homeless AIDS victim. Not surprisingly, he wasn’t available for an update because he’s now dead/homeless/missing.

22. Mike Bisping hates on the deaf guy
Me calling Bisping a douche for hating on the deaf guy would be like the pot calling the kettle black. But Bisping keeps trying to pretend he’s a nice guy rather than embracing his inner douche like we here at Fightlinker do. It’s really too bad he didn’t fight Matt on the show when Matt sucked … it would have saved him a lot of embarrassment recently.

21. No one told the deaf guy
More deaf guy hijinx. It’s pretty funny that no one bothered to tell Matt Hamill he wasn’t allowed to fight any more. Or maybe they did and he just didn’t hear them. Waka waka waka.

20. Dewees pours a liter worth of blood
This goes down as the most unsanitary fight in the history of the world. Knowing that Gideon Ray is basically a hypochondriac made watching this again even more awesome. After the pissing incident, I was amazed my GF didn’t stop watching this show. After this scene, I’m amazed she didn’t vomit.

19. Mike Nickels shaves Kendall’s eyebrow
It was nice to see Kendall take this abuse without turning into a raging retard like every other fighter in the show’s history. Wouldn’t it have been awesome if Nickels had really fucked Kendall’s eye up?

18. Tait Fletcher whines about training
Hindsight is 20/20. Tait is now in the Ultimate Vagina championships

17. Matt Serra pisses on Mark Laimon
Everyone else seems to love this one … Serra verbalizes the Proclamation against Keyboard Warriors. Personally I’m all about talking shit and dissing people, so me no likey this one.

16. Karo Parisyan spazzes on Nate Diaz
A simple equation for you: Hispanics + Armenians = FREAKOUT! Nate Diaz looks like a sleazy little bastard so I don’t begrudge Karo for getting in his face when he tries to play big man. My favorite part was at the end when Nate was muttering “How bout I beat you down?” after Karo had left. Classic.

15. The Scarecrow challenge
Rich Franklin puts his school brains to use and totally fucks over Mike Whitehead and Joe Stevenson. Those two do over 200 scarecrow rotations, which must be a fucking world record or something, and then Rich didn’t even bother to challenge them. This was the moment that made me really fall in love with TUF. And then Matt Serra had to come on and ruin everything for me.

14. Tait and Kristian are retards
Wow, talk about Dumb and Dumber. I’m sure turning down another chance to win seemed like a good idea at the time … actually, I have no idea how that seemed like a good idea. You better believe guys like Josh Haynes and Kalib Starnes would have licked Dana’s chocolate starfish to get back into the competition if they had to.

13. Gabe ‘Cake’ Ruediger is born
It’s too bad they didn’t add the cake bit into the moment, because that was … well, it was the icing on the cake for me.

12. Bobby Southworth cutting weight
Man, if only Gabe had had Koscheck on his team to help him cut. If you ask me, Bobby Southworth was a bigger pussy than Gabe … at least Gabe was asking his team at the end to help him. Bobby was all like “Fuck you guys”. Just goes to show you why Jens won the coaching part. I think. Uuuh … well, who cares anyways.

11. Noah quits the show
This is notable as the first major drama setup ever. Considering “There’s no contact with the outside world”, I’m impressed that news got into the house that Noah’s girlfriend thought he had cheated on her. I’ll put a million fucking dollars on the fact that the producers set that shit up and knocked it down. It doesn’t make Noah any less of a wuss. As Forrest said “We call those pussies losers”. Or was it “We call those losers pussies”. Either way, GOLD.

10. Luke Cummo kicks some dude’s ass
I have no idea why this is considered number 10 … I knew they were gonna have a hard time finding 25 legitimately entertaining moments in TUF history. Just because Luke Cummo drinks his own pee doesn’t make this interesting. Neither does the whole “Oh the humanity, we are but friends” angle. Boo.

9. The $10,000 game of ping pong
Let’s just try to forget for a moment that Jens Pulver just got paid more for   ping pong than many fighters get paid in the octagon. What’s really sad here is that this idea was the TUF creative team’s crowning acheivement.

8. Rashad Evans dances like a momo
Matt Hughes killed the retard in Rashad. That bastard! If we never get to see Rashad dance like that again, I’ll be a sad mofo.

7. Ken & Tito go at it
My stomach turns as I utter these words, but I agree with what Rory said: these two aren’t particularly good at smack talk. It was like watching Ben Stiller in dodgeball : “Oh yeah, well you’re gonna get it. On your face. Sideways, bitch!”

6. The Scott Smith hail mary
Personally I’m not a big fan of guys enjoying themselves in the octagon. Actually, I like one guy enjoying himself. The other guy should be screaming, crying, dying, whatever. I’m not too picky. But not laughing and high fiving. This isn’t beach vollyball or some shit. Fighting is supposed to be intense. Fortunately, Scott Smith makes up for his lameness by finishing off Pete Sell with the most amazing hail mary punch in the history of mankind.

5. Marlon and Noah backyard brawl
The one thing I learned from watching this fight is that jiu-jitsu is a lot easier to do when the guy you’re using it on is drunk.

4. The BJ Penn hand raise thing
This incident gave me high hopes that the coaches would be at eachother’s throat through the entire show. Unfortunately, past the ping pong bout they left eachother alone for the most part.

3. Chris Leben is a fatherless bastard
I love the fact that Chris Leben’s parentage made the top three greatest moments. Very classy. And you know it’s true because it pissed him off so bad.

2. The “Do you want to be a fucking fighter” speech
What a surprise that Dana White’s ‘fucking fighter’ speech got #2 on the greatest list. For someone who hates the internet, Dana White must spend some time on there because the internet is the only place where anyone gives a shit about this particular ‘moment’.

1. Stephan Bonnar vs Forrest Griffin
Yeah, I’ll agree this was an entertaining fight, and a defining moment in UFC history. But goddamn was it ever a sloppy piece of shit. If you’ve ever wondered why boxers mock us and many people consider MMA to be a streetfight, you might have this fight to thank for it.

Okay, here’s a breakdown of the math behind Randy’s contract based on a few assumptions:

  • Holiest of Holiest Dave Meltzer reported Randy as making 1.5 mil per fight.
  • Randy himself said he makes 250K guaranteed plus a percentage of PPV sales
  • If Randy made 1.5 million as Meltzer said, and he gets 250k direct from the UFC, that’s 1.25 million in PPV percentage.
  • Assuming his fights have pulled 500,000 buys on PPV, that would work out to $2.50 per PPV buy.

Now imagine a Superbowl event of massive proportions … 1 million buys. Using the assumptions above you have Couture making 2.75 million per fight … much closer to the numbers coming from Iole. Add in built-in endorsements and bonuses for that number of buys, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Couture’s contract has the ability to hit 3 million + per fight.

Just some food for thought.

From his latest TUF journal:

I think Dan is simply out of control. Kind of like a toddler on high amounts of sugar, just running around with reckless abandon, unaware of other people’s testicles.

There’s many more nuggets of gold where that came from. Mac needs to give up on Ultimate Fighting and just come write for Fightlinker.

Sean Salmon was on MMAJunkie today to announce a fight against Jason Mayhem Miller (bad idea) and his desire to fight Cung Le (good idea). The ‘Rashad Evans High Kick Incident’ aside, Salmon has shown himself to be better at dealing with strikers than with submission experts. And for all his goofiness, Jason Miller’s got some pretty impressive sub skills. In his WEC fight against Hiromitsu Miura, he put on a jiu-jitsu clinic which included ” target=”_blank”>the uber-rare ‘banana split’, which really deserves a slightly less gay name. How do you say banana split in portugeese? That typically adds 50 cool points.

Simply put, Sean Salmon has a hard enough time protecting his neck, let alone the 50+ other parts of his body which Mayhem Miller is gonna be attacking for a quick submission. I’d be amazed if Salmon makes it out of the first round. In fact, I’d be amazed if this bout wasn’t Guy Mezger’s way of paying Salmon back for breaching contract last time.

Now a fight with Cung Le would definitely be good for Salmon. Le is still acclimatizing to MMA, and a strong wrestler who’s actually willing to take Le to the ground probably wouldn’t have a hard time pounding him out. Salmon knows this … but Strikeforce knows this too, and there’s no way they’re gonna let this fight happen. So don’t get your hopes up.

 

Retardo narcissism aside, I gotta respect Dan Barrera. Half the fighters on TUF quit the second shit gets hairy or they hear about something from the outside world. But not Dan Barrerra. This motherfucker gets a call from his wife where she’s being a crazy bitch and he’s all like “Whatever you crazy bitch, see you when the show’s over!”

Apparently his vows should have been modified from “Through sickness and in health” to “Through sickness, health, and TUF tapings”.

Sure, his actions may seems pretty harsh, but this is real life for Dan … he doesn’t disappear when the show is over, and neither do his bills. If he’d fucked off to deal with his crazy wife, it would have been game over for his dreams of ever fighting in the UFC. That leads to some serious resentment issues, which lead to divorce, which lead to more resentment, which leads to drinking, which leads to sinking your boat and starting a support group.

Past that, to take a beating from Matt Hughes and then get fucked over on the decision … Dan should consider finding a new deity because whoever he’s praying too doesn’t seem to be taking great care of him. The one positive thing about this is you know he’s gonna be featured prominently in the finale. If Ben Saunders flunks out of the semi-finals I wouldn’t be surprised if the rematch-crazy UFC sets up a second match between the two for the finale.

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