This has been a rough week so far. Monday night we recorded the Low Blow and had the stupid idea of mixing Bowes piss beer with Xyience ‘premium’ energy drink. Not only was I up until 3am shaking like Michael J Fox, but the next day I had to take off work because of:
- Volcanic hot diarrhea that lasted from 8:43AM – 11:17AM
- Singed anus tips from said diarrhea
- Green tinged urine
- Dreams that I had sex with Tito Ortiz and his vagina was not tight at all
Overall it was a very disturbing experience and I would tell people to watch the fuck out for Xyience, but they might sue me for it.
**UPDATE** In addition to correcting the spelling of diarrhea, I’ve also got a report from Jake on his Xyience experience:
1. my heart pounded like a jackhammer until about 4 am
2. Rubbed it out 3 times, but could not kill my erection
3. Muscle spasms
4. Urge to kill Fedor.
Well, there you have it folks. Not too dissimilar to Ryan’s own experiences. Next time I have one though, if i do, I’ll be sure to have someone of the soft skin, and sweet smelling hair variety.
Okay peeps. As mentioned on our latest edition of the Low Blow, Jake and I are hopping on a bus and traveling the 21 hours from Montreal to Cincinnati for the UFC 77 show this weekend. Why the bus and not a private jet? It’s a long story, but to simplify things lets just say it’s Jake’s fault. Totally and completely Jake’s fault.
Anyways, the important thing is that we’re gonna be in town from Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon. Most of our time will probably be spent following the MMAJunkie guys around calling them names, but if any of the readers are also gonna be around it would be cool for us to discuss in here and maybe set up some kinda meeting at a bar or one of the UFC parties or whatnot.
With all the fighters we’ve told off over the past year, I feel like there’s safety in numbers and perhaps I’ll be able to escape from Ohio without a beating. And on a plus side this could also be a good opportunity to lynch Kevin Iole if we run into him.
I’ve wanted to mention the fact that the IFL had hired former Showtime executive Jay Larkin for a few days, and now this new interview by Sam Caplan has popped up to give me an excuse.
First off, Jay Larkin is one of the big boxing guys. He doesn’t have the same name recognition as a Gary Shaw or Don King, but he was the guy running boxing at Showtime for over a decade and while he never managed to beat HBO out for the biggest fights, many people considered Showtime to put on the better fights. So you gotta respect that.
Now Jay is coming on board the IFL. The IFL of course is up shit creek without a paddle. Their stock is tanking, their coffers are running dangerously low, and the only star fighters they managed to develop this year are looking to jump ship. It will definately be interesting to see what Larkin can do with this whole situation, or better yet to see what Larkin does to completely change the situation and therefore the direction of the IFL.
One thing for sure though is you’re probably not gonna see any more dopey interviews with the Dumb and Dumber duo of Kurt Otto and Gareb Shemus. Now that the IFL has someone who’s public relations skills were forged in the flames of the treacherous boxing world, you better bet they’re gonna use him, and use him a lot. Just check out some of the shit this guy is already spinning:
On the financial state of the company:
The major financial hurdles are not quite as major as some folks in the industry would like the rest of the world to believe. This company is a year and a half old and in a year and a half we’ve accomplished astounding things. If you lack back in history at other MMA companies, one in particular, look where they were a year and a half in and how much money they were in debt and (in comparison) this company (the IFL) is a major success story.
Obviously Jay’s talking about the UFC. The difference here of course is that the UFC is owned by Casino magnates with deep pockets, while the IFL made the decision to go the penny stock route.
On the state of the IFL’s TV deals in 2008
Yes, there’s a deal for 2008 in place. It’s in various stages of going through the lawyers and it’s being reviewed here. Being a TV guy, I want to take a hard look at the existing television deals. But there’s definitely a television deal for 2008 that’s in place.
I like how he says there’s a deal in place then says he’s taking a hard look at the deals that are ‘in place’. Last time I checked, in place means done. Not getting there. Everything’s in place for me to get off on that stupid indecent exposure charge. It’s just gotta go through those pesky lawyers.
On the direction he wants to take the IFL:
We’re also getting ready to make inroads in the pay-per-view world. In my opinion we’re not ready for the pay-per-view world because we don’t have those names that are going to jump out at you. It doesn’t mean we’re not going to get them and it doesn’t mean we’re not going to develop them. But (PPV) is definitely the road we’re heading down.
Wow, what an original idea. Put together fights, show them on PPV. Revolutionary. With outside the box ideas like this, the IFL is sure to succeed.
So at the moment, I’m not seeing anything on the surface to tell me Larkin’s gonna turn shit around for the IFL, but my bet is Jay’s got his head under the hood looking at how everything works in the IFL. The problem is that 99% of the solutions to fix the IFL will require a lot of money and a lot of luck, one of which the IFL definitely doesn’t have and the other … well, if Kurt and Otto had horseshoes up their asses they sold them for money to keep the IFL running. Maybe Larkin’s got an extra one up his rectum to share.
- To get rid of the stench of scandal, appoint FILA vice president Tomiaki Fukuda as president and former Tokyo chief of police Yukihiko Inoue as commissioner.
- Add some star power to your brass by including famous 70′s boxer Yoko Gushiken and pro wrestling icon Hiroshi Hase.
- Secure financing from established backers like Takao Yasuda and Naoya Kinoshita.
- Build your promotion around popular Japanese fighters from the J-ROCK camp, and have Hidehiko Yoshida star.
And here’s how it doesn’t work:
- Send some pencil pusher from the states over to tell everyone what to do
- Don’t bring in any names the Japanese know and trust to deal with all the baggage left over from the DSE scandals
- Act surprised when you can’t get a TV deal
- Strip the promotion of all it’s stars
- Close the office down and blame the Japanese for being punks
Just for reference sake.
So I’m making an effort to pay more attention to that whole ‘boxing’ thing … the site is called ‘Fight’ linker, not MMA Linker. And although I originally called it that because it sounded cooler and to rip off Zach Arnold, I figure I might wanna live up to the name and at least have a passing knowledge of what’s going on in the world of boxing, kickboxing, and all sports that involve one person beating another person up. Or sports that at least claim that one person is going to beat another person up but all the fights end with no one really hurt and go to a boring decision.
That being said, I’m glad I watched the Pavlik/Taylor fight last week or I would have already given up on boxing already after watching the Evander Holyfield / Sultan Ibragimov fight from this weekend. I’m down with the whole aging fighter vs underperforming champion thang – we all saw how awesome that was when Couture pulled it off against Tim Sylvia. But instead of 5 rounds of Couture outsmarting and outclassing Sylvia, this fight was twelve rounds of slow monotany.
In fact, the most exciting part of the whole fight was when Holyfield’s corner shat all over him before the 8th round, berating him like a kid caught sniffing his sister’s panties. I knew Holyfield was done when he just took it and didn’t respond … he went out in the 8th and just continued to plod. Ibragimov was happy to pick Holyfield apart with the jab and throw occasional body shots, and in the end he won an uninspired decision.
Even the announcers were commenting on how dry and unexceptional this fight was. But apparently boxing announcers do this on a regular basis … fuck. I can understand why. 12 rounds = 36 minutes I’ll never get back. I’ve taken shits that have been more satisfying than this fight.
Anyways, I only checked this out because Holyfield was involved, and I don’t think I’ll make that mistake again. As for the whole retiring shit, people have to fuck off and mind their own business. The day Holyfield gets smashed in the ring is the day he should consider stopping … while the fight definately sucked, there’s tons of high profile matches that have sucked just as hard if not worse.
People are blaming Holyfield’s age for it, and maybe it’s true. But if he was really over the hill, should he have been able to go twelve rounds with a heavyweight champion and emerge unscathed? Is that the sad state of boxing, or are people just flapping their gums about ‘protecting a legacy’. Hmmm, that sounds pretty familiar to me.