Yo yo yo and away we go! It’s time for some UFC78 livebloggin!
9:53 : We’re watching the Countdown show to kill time … motherfuck are they ever blowing Rashad Evan’s ‘accomplishments’ out of proportion.
9:57 : Onto the Countdown’s take of Alexander / Silva. I like Sivla’s trademark “I’ll slit your fucking throat man” move … classy.
10:00 : When the fuck are they gonna change the gladiator thing? Michael Bisping declares he’s not scared of anything. Youuuu will be. Youuu will be.
10:05 : Fuck … Silva’s translator should be the one fighting, not Silva. Dude sounds HYPED!
10:07 : Not even 10 minutes in and the stream we’re stealing UFC78 from is already starting to slow down. We’re sweating bullets and preparing to dish 40 bucks on video.ufc.com
10:07 : Oh how nice … Joe Rogan actually shaved for the show. He says ‘More people are looking forward to seeing Alexander vs Silva than Bisping / Evans!” Yeeaaah. You could say that for pretty much every fight on the card.
10:10 : Spencer Fisher is looking fucking rough. Did he glue pubes on his face or what?
10:13 :Trying to get UFC on demand working. It blows monkey balls!
10:15 : We’ve given up on our pirating ways and shelled out $40 for the stream on video.ufc.com. And we’re ready for the first fight: Fisher vs Edgar!
THe crowd chants Frankie for the hometown boy. Edgar goes for the shoot immediately and takes Fisher down. After some tender hugging action, Fisher gets up … and Edgar tosses him over the hip back onto the ground. Edgar goes for the nippes and buries his face in Fisher’s chest. He ain’t doing any damage … Fisher’s too tough.
I am officially sick of “The Answer” related puns. Why Fisher isn’t dragging Edgar over to the fence and standing up against it is beyond me. After some mysterious sub attempt Fisher stands up … and slips and is now back on the ground. D’oh!
Edgar pounds away on Fisher … the last few punches were pretty brutal. Edgar pulls out the elbow grease as he elbows Fisher’s head until the end of round one.
Winner: Fisher. In reverse land!
Edgar takes Fisher down again. Fisher’s not so fucking tough on his back now is he? Maybe if Fisher had read The Idiots Guide to Ultimate Fighting he’d have learned about takedown defence.
Edgar gets full mount and Fisher rolls over. Edgar blows it and Fisher gets back onto his feet. And is taken down again. He avoided it for about 5 seconds though. Props for the effort, bud. Half guard, full guard, half guard, full guard. If this was a BJJ tournament, Fisher would be losing. Oh wait … he’s still losing. Edgar has somehow cut “The Sign of Zorro” into Fisher’s forehead. Like Nick Diaz, Spencer Fisher bleeds at the drop of a hat.
Edgar had a choke while transitioning and let it go like it ain’t no thang. Edgar proceeds to climb Fisher like a jungle gym. Edgar gets Fisher’s back and then loses it again. How can someone so good at passing guard be so bad with back control?
Winner: Fisher. Haha. It’s still funny saying that.
Edgar takes down Fisher again. I’m getting repetitive stress syndrome in my fingers from typing that so often. Edgar’s got Fisher’s back again … he’s making this shit look easy! Fisher looks more like Salmon with his level of grappling defense. Somehow Fisher gets back up. And somehow Fisher goes back down. Edgar’s throwing everything including the kitchen sink at FIsher. Unfortunately his kitchen sink is teensy tiny and doesn’t hurt at all.
At this point Fisher’s really gotta let go and kill this motherfucker. Instead, he ends up on his back AGAIN. Another ‘The Answer’ pun … I can’t believe they pay Rogan and Goldberg good money. Fisher is flopping around trying to get up. He’s up. He’s down. How Frankie Edgar can hump Fisher doggystyle and not finish this fight I have no fucking idea. Now they hug tenderly on the mat, waiting for the final 30 seconds to expire.
Winner : Edgar. I can’t even say Fisher won that as a joke.
This one is gonna go for Edgar unless M Night Shamalyan is a judge. I refuse to make an “Answer” pun … although I would say his ‘answer’ to fighting is “Take em down and pepper em with puny punches”.
Ooooh … one judge scores this 30-26. Accurate enough … Fisher got fucking spanked hardcore.
10:36 : Edgar says “Not bad for a South Shore boy” … well, that looked like rape to me so I’d say that’s pretty much what we all expect
10:37 : Quinton Jackson is shown … he’s now got silver teeth. Classy
10:37 : Somehow Rashad Evans is winning the poll 58 to 42. Probably because he has over 40 family members voting for him. Goldberg says “These two are still UNBEATEN”. I bang my head against a table.
10:40 : “Serra and Hughes will finally meet … and we cannot wait” says Goldberg. Yeah, we can’t wait for the WW belt to be freed from the hellish purgatory that TUF has sunk it into.
10:41 : Joe Doerkson looks like every single other nondescript vanilla fighter in the universe. Oooh, he from Canada. That means he’s even duller than he looks. Ed Herman claims he’s a “full grown adult now” … I’m sure he’s honed this speech trying to get into bars across the country.
10:42 : Fightlinker.com shoutout to jackal Tartis, who’s the only one having a lamer saturday than us!
10:44 : Herman comes out in a CondomDepot hoodie. I can definitely say that the idea of Herman impregnating anyone makes me want to provide condoms for the entire female species
JOE DOEOEORKSON vs ED HERMAN
Ed clips Joe coming out … Joe pushes forward and almost gets thrown down for his efforts. Ed does a nice Couture-style trip push to get on top of Joe. Ed gets half guard and throws some DEVESTATING shoulder twitches. Joe realizes Ed can’t hurt him and stands back up. Herman lets fly and messes Joe up a bit … Joe shoots in and Ed Herman just holds him and pounds away against the fence. Joe’s bleeding out the eyelid. The blood on Herman’s body just excentuates the pale ghost of a man that is Ed Herman.
Joe gets up and then pulls Herman on top like I’d pull a blanket up over myself on a cold night. Herman gets mount and pounds away. Somehow Joe gets back into guard and now they’re just bouncing around like two horny teenagers while the parents are outta town.
Winner : Herman kept control and fucked Joe up with strikes
Joe’s looking like he got hit in the face with a shovel. Ed Herman looks like he’s been riding a bike for 10 minutes. The new ring girl looks like she’s got some serious nice assage.
Ed Herman does another drag down and is in half guard. Doeoerkson just looks like he doesn’t want to get hit any more. All tactics on his part are to ease the pain he’s receiving from Herman. The weirdo ref with the goofy haircut stands them up.
Herman goes for another drag takedown and Joe reverses it and grabs his back. This is big problems for Herman … and all of a sudden Star Trek technology is applied and HErman is suddenly on Doerkson’s back. Doerkson goes for a heel hook before remembering that hasn’t worked since 2002.
Herman lets out some nasty knees to the body, forcing Doerkson to roll like a circus performer to end up in half guard. Out of fucking nowhere, Doerkson lands a sick triangle with a backup armbar for shits and giggles. There’s 13 seconds left and Herman rides it out. Saved by the fucking bell.
Winner: Herman gets it, although cowardly judges might give it to Joe to keep it winnable for both guys.
Herman knocks Joe da fuck out. One heavy hit right between the ear and the jaw and Doerkson hits the mat and it’s over. He doesn’t look too fucking good lying on the mat … his eye looks like a lubricated vagina.
Winner: EDDY HERMAN!
11:02 : We go check out EdHerman.TV … wow, it still says he’s fighting David Terrell. “Hey everyone, come to my site for the most out of date news anywhere!”
11:03 : With a desperate “I owe dangerous people money” look in his eye, Herman suggests “This could be knockout of the night! Huh! Huh???”
11:05 : The UFC shills for Forrest Griffin’s appearance on Law and Order. I’d be excited, if it wasn’t SVU. Original series all the way, none of this bullshit spinoff crap.
11:06 : They cut to Matt Hamill, who goes through the four standard hand movements of being on camera : hands up, jab jab, big hook, and goofy wave.
11:07 : Karo says “I ain’t losing to a Japanese guy”. Seriously, that’s what he said.
11:08 : Again, the UFC’s translators are wicked … why get someone who can translate Japanese into perfect english when you can get someone with a thick ass stereotypical engrish lisp?
11:09 : Karo says “I see me finishing this fight somehow”. Somewhere a polygraph machine explodes
11:10 : There’s a 10 foot black security guard behind Chonan. Chonan is wearing a crazy black mask … or maybe it’s a SARS mask. Either way, it looks cool. Dan Henderson is in Chonan’s corner, probably promising to kick his ass again if he loses to Parisyan.
11:11 : Karo Parisyan comes out to the theme to Problem Child 1, 2, and 3. Fucking hell, he’s looking pretty tubby.
11:12 : Hey, look … Randy Couture is in Karo’s corner with a hat pulled down over his face like he’s afraid security will notice who he is and toss him out.
11:13 : Karo is sponsored by Assassin’s Creed. Fucking cool.
KARO PARISYAN VS RYO CHONAN
Karo grabs a kick from Ryo and knocks Ryo onto his ass. In half guard we can see Assassin’s Creed on Karo’s ass. FUcking cool. Karo is throwing some tight leather from the top. Chonan gets back into the full guard and the ref stands them back up.
Karo pushes Chonan against the cage and pulls Ryo’s feet out from under him. Pressed into the cage, Chonan takes a bunch of punches to the face but no show stoppers. Ryo pushes Karo off and stands back up into a clinch against the fence. They sperate and now circle eachother.
Ryo falls back on his butt and Karo falls forward with his arm straight out. It doesn’t really work as a ‘punch’. Karo peppers Ryo with some punches and Ryo slips out and gets back up. Karo is buttering Ryo out for a toss but the bell rings.
Winner: Parisyan because of control, but there wasn’t really any damage done on either end.
Chonan’s corner says “It’s your fight … you’re controlling this shit”. And here’s where I make a joke that his corner is from Reverse land. The two guys come out and swing for a while with nothing landing clean. Chonan lands a leg kick and a soft knee and then smokes Karo in the face hard. Karo manages to grab a leg and push Ryo against the cage.
Karo’s got a body lock aka a boarding ticket for the Judo Express. Oh, and Ryo says “I ain’t getting on that flight” and gets out of it. They’re back in the middle of the ring swinging again. Chonan walks directing into a punch to the face but follows up with a decent knee to the chest. Karo grabs a front kick and tips Chonan on his ass. Karo is now in full guard.
CHonan gets back up and grabs Karo’s leg. Karo sets up for a kimura and Joe Rogan practically gooshes his stupid Affliction jeans. Karo pushes Chonan over and we see a weird strip in Chonan’s shorts that make it look like he pissed his pants. Karo throws a bunch of elbows and punches. Chonan makes the “Me no likey” face.
Winner: Karo again, although I’ll be amazed if he figures out how to finish this fucking fight.
Low Blow! Take a drink of tequila! Chonan takes approximately 3 seconds to recover, making me wonder if he does indeed have a penis. Karo does a nifty shoot in and the two fighters swing around as Karo goes for a throw. The crowd boos and the ref immediately steps in. He knows who’s boss.
Chonan really needs another flying heel hook in the next three minutes. Karo holds Chonan against the fence and then drops him. We resume the standard punch punch elbow elbow which looks generally uncomfortable for Chonan but not really that bad. Chonan rolls over into Karo’s guard but Karo does some nifty acrobatics and rolls out back onto his feet. Chonan lands a nice knee to the ribs but Karo doesn’t even blink.
More knees by Chonan and a spinning backfist, neither of which affects the fighters. New Jersey peeps are booing again because they know there’s not gonna be a finish either. Goldberg screams “ONE MINUTE LEFT” and I wake up. Karo lands a sweet elbow but these guys ain’t gonna finish eachother. They’re both too damned tough.
15 seconds left. Flying heel hook! Come on, do it! And no. The horn sounds feebly like an uneven fart and that’s that.
Winner: Karo again. I dunno why … he just did, ya know?
Ryo looks pissed. Karo raises his hands in apology for once again being unable to finish. I hope he’s better in the bed than in the ring in that regard.
And Karo wins, unanimous decision 30-27 all judges.
Rogan immediately says says “You’re not happy” and Karo says he’s got issues in his personal life. Such as “eating too many Krispy Creams”
Rogan asks if he would ‘like a title shot’. Duuuuuuuuh. Dana secretly thinks “Finish a fight and you’ll get a shot” … if that’s the case, expect no title shot, ever.
11:39 : Is Joe Rogan wearing one of those ass ugly watches they were giving away at the TUF5 finale? It’s fucking HUGE! “His opponent is a very good … opponent!” Go Joe!
11:40 : Houston Alexander looks like a guy who really thinks he’ll never lose.
11:41 : Silva basically says “I’m gonna take this bitch to the ground” That signals a potentially bad night for Alexander.
11:42 : Silva comes out to some cholo rap.
11:44 : Houston comes out repping Nebraska as always. Strange, for all his Nebraska posturing he’s never bothered to mention why it’s so great.
11:46 : Houston is looking ultra aggro. If I was in the octagon I’d be making pee pee in my panties. He’s popping muscles like a maniac. Jake says he must do power lifting because of the size of his triceps.
HOUSTON ALEXANDER VS THIAGO SILVA
I don’t know who’s bigger … Houston, or the ref. I like the whiteboys with the Houston Alexander lifesize cardboard cutout.
Houston moves forward and pushes Thiago to the cage. Haha, the ref seperates them already and Houston lands a nice hook to the face. Silva’s trying to cycle around and kick. Houston continues to lob crazy punches which are just barely missing.
Houston slams SIlva, who quickly grabs Houston’s leg and takes Houston down. Houston holds onto a choke for a few seconds and then lets it go. Silva takes mount and goes “Holy shit! What do I do now!” One minute in full mount and Silva hasn’t managed to do anything damaging. Ooooh … Silva gets 10 punches in and takes Alexander OUT. Good stoppage as you can see the moment Houston’s arms go stiff but unresponsive.
Houston’s still got butterflies in his conehead as they raise Thiago Silva’s hand. Let’s hope Alexander learns an important lesson about how important the ground game is.
11:57 : People in the crowd go “Boo foreigner, boo!” Silva talks for like 5 minutes in portugeese about how much he loves Houston Alexander and no one cares
12:00 : They cut to Rashad Evans honing his lay n pray in the back room. GOldberg announces it’s time for the main event of the evening. I feel strangely underwhelmed.
12:01 : Rogan sucks Evan’s cock, throwing out a veritable thesaurus of verbiage to fellate his favorite TUF boy
12:03 : Goldberg has a weird “Thousand mile stare” as Rogan goes over Bisping’s motivation. Even he is having a hard time shilling for this bullshit.
12:03 : They show the updated poll for Bisping/Evans, which hasn’t changed at all since the show starts.
12:05 : Bisping said he’d be the first to admit the last fight wasn’t his best. Actually, he WAS the last to admit that … it took him a few days, while everyone else was on that page ten milliseconds after the judge’s cards were read.
12:05 : Bisping said he wouldn’t have taken the fight if he couldn’t win it … I’m sure that sounded less cowardly in his head than it came out.
12:06 : Rashad Evans comes out to a rap remix of “Fame”, because Tito Ortiz made him famous. Of course, this main event is ‘famously terrible’, so maybe that’s why.
12:07 : Bisping comes out to a good song! Wait, no he doesn’t. Anyone coming out to a song this bad deserves to lose. Of course, both these guys came out to terrible music so it cancels out. Maybe there’ll be a double KO???
12:10 : Bisping bounces around the ring like a guy who doesn’t have the entire UFC UK brand weighing him down.
RASHAD EVANS VS MICHAEL BISPING
Bruce Buffer mispronounces ref Dan Miglianitiano’s name again. Dan laughs and shakes his head but inside he plans to take this shit out on his wife.
People are booing Bisping … awesome! New Jersey proves that Americans don’t just hate colored foreigners.
Evans wins the first exchange of punches and then shoots and pushes bisping against the cage. Rashad slowly drags Bisping onto his butt but Bisping stands right back up. New Jersey chants USA. I was chanting UK-OK.
The ref seperates them from against the cage. Rahsad lands another good punch and shoots in again. Bisping hasn’t managed to land anything yet … he’s spent the entire fight defending takedowns. They seperate and Bisping lands a kick which results in him being taken down by Rashad.
Bisping is bent over in a position that reminds me of several choice porno flicks. I am aroused, and subsequently disturbed. I knew this fight was gay, but never imagined it would make me think gay thoughts. Bisping escapes off the ground and Rashad pushes him against the fence again.
Bisping lands a knee and an uppercut. Rashad counters with some elbows and then twist/throws Bisping to the ground. Bisping locks up half guard and Evans doesn’t bother to try and strike in this position for some dumb reason. Bisping gets back to full guard as the round ends.
Winner: Rashad because of control. Neither of these guys are hurt and Bisping must be happy that Rashad wasn’t able to do anything on the ground. Lets see if he can mount an offensive now. THis is reminiscent of the Hamill fight.
They show Keith Jardine in a front row seat, his reward for beating their golden boy. Bisping gets lifted up and softly slammed to the ground. Bisping starts looking for ground subs, which is smart. Rashad keeps posturing in a way that begs for a triangle.
Rashad is breathing like he’s trying to blow down a house. If he gasses he could get toasted by Bisping. The ref threatens to stand them up. And he stands them up. Bisping tags Rashad a few times as they circle eachother … Rashad seems happy to stand, which means he’s a fucking retard. He’s giving Bisping the room he needs to strike and gain points.
Rashad shoots and Bisping catches and clinches with a knee thrown in for good measure. If Bisping keeps this up he’s gonna win the round. Bisping forces a nice clinch and drops a sick knee. Rashad tries a takedown but is too winded to pull it off. Bisping goes for the clinch again and Rashad backs off in fear.
Bisping swings for the fences and glances a blow off Rashad’s head. Right at the buzzer Bisping shoots and dumps Evans on his ass.
Winner: Bisping … Rashad blew his load and has no energy left. No one’s hurt but if Rashad doesn’t find some energy he’s gonne get clocked in the third.
Bisping’s corner says simply “You’re doing great mate!”. Evan’s corner is screaming hysterically, begging for 5 more minutes of effort. I don’t know who wins “World’s lamest corner”.
The two fighters come out swinging, with Bisping winning the exchanges. Every time Evans throws, Bisping lands. Rashad goes for a takedown but Bisping stuffs it. Evans manages to follow up and get Bisping down into side control but Bisping manages to get into guard then flips Rashad onto his back. Bisping now has Evan’s back and tries to drag him down but almost ends up back on the bottom. They split up and circle again.
Bisping lands another punch. Rashad looks dead on his feet … he tries another sloppy shoot which results in Bisping against the fence and back up on his feet. They split and Bisping starts throwing cocky kicks. One minute left and Bisping better go hardcore to ensure he wins the decision.
Evans shoots again and gets stuffed and punched in the face for his trouble. Bisping advances and throws punches as Rashad waves his hands in front of his face. Rashad goes for one more takedown and the fight ends with both fighters on their knees.
Winner: Bisping on account of Rashad being a tired motherfucker.
Both fighters strut around holding their hands up, and Dana says “Good fight”. Goldberg makes a half-formed comment about internet chatter being wrong about this fight. Everyone’s trying to fool someone, apparently.
Quinton Jackson looks about as bored as we are.
Now to the judges: 29-28 Evans, 29-28 Bisping, 29-28 Evans. Evans wins … karma’s a bitch, huh Bisping?
12:39 : Bisping goes hardcore pikey and I can’t understand a word he’s saying
12:40 : Bisping says he thinks he won … the fact that no one booed means people agree. Or that everyone has stormed the parking lot trying to get the fuck out of New Jersey.
12:41 : And we go to an undercard fight – Reinhardt vs Lauzon. And no one’s allowed to laugh if I spell Reinhardt’s name wrong … I’m fucking drunk and pissed so eat my ass with a rusty spoon you bastards.
12:42 : Joe Lauzon looks like such a doofus.
12:43 : Reinhardt looked pretty scared in those ‘spray bottle promo shots’
12:45 : Reinhardt comes out to a country love ballad. Now that’s street. Is that a huge tattoo of Jesus on his bicep???? This guy is like a terrible tattoo depository.
12:46 : Lauzon has the crowd on his side. People in NJ are probably satanists.
JASON REINHARDT VS JOE LAUZON
Reinhardt gives up 10 years, 4 inches of height and 6 inches of reach. And if we’re to believe Joe Lauzon, probably 20 pounds. I’m sure when he dreamed of being in the UFC he didn’t expect to be booed. He looks pissed.
FUck that new ring girl has retardedly huge tits and an awesome ass. I haven’t managed to look at her face yet. Reinhardt looks like a scruffy American knockoff of Andrei Arlovski.
Wow … too much action to cover … these two bounce across the octagon and try to push eacother to the ground. Lauzon gets the takedown and goes from side to half guard. Back to half guard. Now up to north south. I need some meth to keep up with this action. Lauzon’s got Reinhard’s back and chokes him out like a bitch.
All of a sudden I think BJ Penn better reconsider training Joe because Joe might take Penn’s belt away someday.
Winner: Joe Lauzon. Wow, simply wow.
Joe Rogan says “There’s no point ‘going out’ instead of tapping” … yes. Yes there is. It’s called pride.
And that’s it people … thanks for joining us as we lost our live event blogging virginity and we’ll catch you all on the radio show starting in a few minutes.