(above: a fan accidentally spits on Stephan Bonnar while talking to him. This is Bonnar looking pissed and trying to wipe it off his gay track suit.)

Ladies and gentleman, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! IT’S TIME … to tell you what happened on Saturday! Yeah, the original plan was to do this sooner, but we just spent 30 hours trying to get back to Canada (Jake’s blogging that shit because i’m just gonna repress those memories), and I couldn’t pull out the laptop for fear it’d be stolen by bus station transients. Not like there was any wireless anywhere along our stone age route. Anyways…

Last time I posted we were just up and showered after a hellacious drinking party, and in hindsight I kinda regret going so hard on Friday because I ended up blowing my wad at the bar instead of the show. This is all metaphorically of course … there was no way I would pass up the chance to masturbate while staring at Jens Pulver.

And yeah, our tickets were about 8 rows back from the Octagon and VIP area. Big thanks to some faceless benefactors who hooked us up with that shit. I felt like a rockstar hitting the floor!

Read more after the jump

Upon getting to the show we wandered around the floor section in hopes that we’d run into Kevin Iole. Our gameplan was to pretend to be huge fans of his and try to trick him on tape into admitting he thought boxing was way better than MMA. Unfortunately he was tucked right into the middle of the press section and we couldn’t get to him. Next time, Gadget. Next time.

When the show started, we began to realize there was one problem with floor tickets. Every time anyone in the eight rows ahead of us stood up, they completely blocked our view of the fights. Half the non-fighting UFC roster was sitting in our area, so there was a constant stream of momos in the aisle blocking everything trying to get pictures and autographs.

Jake and I spent a good portion of the show screaming at people to “SIT THE FUCK DOWN”. We were surrounded by 300 pound juice monkeys who backed us up, and at one point a fight almost broke out on account of us calling one guy a “piece of shit polo-wearing motherfucker”. We got the seats for free and were pissed off at these people … I can’t imagine having to pay 400$ to have your view blocked by at least a dozen jackasses with better seats all night long.

Now I don’t want to play down the experience as bad … but obviously you don’t come here for me to be all sunshine and puppydogs. That aspect of the show sucked, but overall it was an awesome night. Booing Tim Sylvia was like a religious experience … a two minute’s hate straight out of George Orwell’s 1984.

Seeing Rich Franklin’s defeat was amazing as well. I haven’t seen a beating in life that brutal since my dad put my mom in the hospital. Needless to say, this beating was much less traumatizing and much more enjoyable. Kudos to Rich Franklin though for going back into round two after being knocked senseless. It was like getting to see him lose two times for the price of one.

In the end, we didn’t really bother to go fanboy it with any of the fighters. There were huge lines and it was too loud to have any kind of real conversations or anything, and we’re not all that big on the idea of getting pictures with fighters holding their fists out. We came for the fights, we saw the fights, we enjoyed ourselves, and that was that.

After experiencing our first live UFC event, I’ll say it’s definately something you should try once, but that overall I enjoy the home experience more. There’s easier access to booze, shorter lines to the bathrooms, and less chances of getting your ass kicked. However, that being said, the entire weekend in Cincinnati was a blast and it was worth the 50+ hours of bus hell we went through.

That’s on account of the awesome people we spent our time with … Igg, you are the host with the most. Kris, someday when you’re old enough to legally drink, we’ll have to get together to do some of that. It was also great to meet Dann and the Mickeys guys … I don’t remember much of what I said, so here’s hoping I wasn’t calling everyone cocksuckers all weekend.

Here’s the big fucking problem with setting up your title shots so far in advance. Shit happens, delays occur, and next thing you know you’ve got a marquee fighter like BJ Penn sitting on the shelf for several cocksucking months. What the fuck is up with that shit?

The amount of talent wasting away on the sidelines waiting for title shots, revenge matches, contractual haggling etc is getting absolutely ridiculous. Doubly so when you consider how many underwhelming fight cards are coming out lately. Every division except the welterweight division is in a clusterfuck state where there’s no clear ladder of contenders, and all of the guys who should be fighting to sort out the pecking order are fighting maybe once every four to five months.

For fucks sake, stop putting your top guns on the shelf waiting for the moon and the stars to align perfectly to create the exact situation you need. The UFC needs to sit down and spread it’s talent properly across the cards and make sure their big names are fighting more. Sure, it’s more expensive card-wise. But they’re gonna make the money back in PPV buys anyways.

If aliens from the future were to come down to earth 6 months ago and tell me that UFC 78 would be headlined by Michael Bisping vs Rashad Evans, I would have considered them devious untrustworthy liars and sent them off to Area 51 for dissection. Considering that fact, I don’t even know how the fuck I’m supposed to react to this quote:

“Dana White, the UFC President, says that the winner [of the fight between Michael Bisping and Rashad Evans] will gain an automatic world light-heavyweight title shot.”

Dear Jesus cocksucking Christ. This must be some sort of joke or misunderstanding or mistake or SOMETHING. Forrest Griffin and Keith Jardine aren’t even being considered real contenders, and they’ve had a lot more success in the UFC than Bisping and Evans.

The idea that Bisping vs Evans should be for a title shot is madness borne out of the backwards thinking that a headlining PPV bout is either a title defense or #1 contender fight. Sooooooo because this joke of a fight is a headlining fight, then simple logic dictates that it MUST be for #1 contender. Heaven forbid anyone at the UFC just admits it’s a booking made out of sheer desperation.

Anyways, I have to pray this is some kind of mistake. I’m also open to the idea that Dana White let this idea slip during some kind of crazy opium bender. Either way, so long as this bout isn’t really for #1 contender, I’m a happy boy.

Last week’s Low Blow featured another two bits. Since our retarded Freestyle episode, everyone has been clamoring for more Sean Connery, so we decided to give his martial arts system Sean Fu a commercial spot. And then there’s the return of Danny ‘The Colossus’ Abaddi featured in our Friday Night Fight ad.

Sean Connery presents: Sean-Fu

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All I can say about this cut: Insert Coin here

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