GREETINGS FLESHY HU-MANS. THIS IS ROBO-INITIATOR xK-1665 SPEAKING TO YOU THROUGH THE INTERNET TUBES. I AM HERE TO REPORT TO YOU: YOUR DAYS OF DOMINATING COMBAT SPORTS IS NEAR AN END. MY MASTERS IN JAPAN HAVE BEEN SECRETLY DEVELOPING A SUPER ARMY OF MIXED MARTIAL ROBOTS CAPABLE OF DISPOSING EVEN THE TOUGHEST HUMAN FIGHTERS. THIS VIDEO IS MERELY THE BEGINNING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
DANA WHITE IS ALREADY ORDERING HUNDREDS OF OUR ROBOTS IN THE HOPE OF STOPPING THE WAVE OF STEROID ABUSES IN MMA. NO MORE SHERK HUMANS INGESTING ILLEGAL SUPPLEMENTS. xK MODEL ROBOTS INGEST ONLY OIL AND VAGINAL SECRETIONS. NO MORE HERMES FRANCA NEEDING TO FEED HIS FAMILY … ROBOTS ARE TRAINED TO KILL WASTEFUL ENTITIES LIKE FAMILIES.
(special thanks to Mike O for tipping us off about this dire news)
If you thought you’d heard the last from Ken Shamrock, you’re wrong! The latest news from Kenny boy is that his son Ryan has taken up the five ounce gloves and will be fighting on one of his dad’s cards August 25th:
Ultimate Fighting Championship Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has carved out a substantial legacy in the sport of mixed martial arts, with his Lion’s Den team recognized as the blueprint of countless training squads to come. Now, Shamrock’s “other” legacy, his 18-year-old son Ryan, will follow his father’s lead, stepping into the cage on Aug. 25 at the Feather Falls Casino in Oroville, Calif. to make his MMA debut. Ryan will appear in an event promoted by his famous pop alongside the debut of Lion’s Den first female cat Kristen Niedzielski. Ryan’s weight division has not been announced.
I tried to dig up more information on Ryan but all internet searches pointed towards some dumb pro-wresting angle where Ken ‘had a sister named Ryan Shamrock‘. It’s pretty weird that Ken’s fictional sister had the same name as his son. What’s weirder is that Ken also dated the chick. So basically he was sleeping with a girl who was named after his son and who was pretending to be his sister. Fuck, wrestling is messed up.
Anyways, here’s to hoping Ryan Shamrock rises through the rankings over the next few years and smashes an aging Tito Ortiz in the Octagon sometime in the future. Then we could go to Webster’s and have them add that in the dictionary as the new definition of irony.
A few days ago, a book popped up on Amazon.com called ‘Octagon’ by David Lynch. No real description, no details. Just that it ships in December and it costs roundabout 1200 bucks. Wait, what? The 1200$ thing might be a mistake … the book has actually been removed off of the North American Amazon sites, probably pending clarification. Although I really wouldn’t be surprised if this book still runs in the hundreds of dollars: it’s going to be a gorgeous coffee table book full of the best MMA photography ever done.
You may or may not remember the name David Lynch … that shitty show hosted by Joe Rogan did a bit on him and his work. Above you can see some of it … before and after pictures of UFC fighters. You can go to his page to check out more of his stuff, including the images that make up the cover of the book: real photos of the bloodstained mat post-event.
I’ll definitely be buying one of these … provided of course it costs less than 500 bucks. Otherwise I plan on stealing a copy from the local Indigo. Those fat fucks can’t run as fast as me.
Ken Shamrock has been thrown under the bus by Zuffa management so much over the past few years that many people have forgotten how damned entertaining he is. There’s a reason he’s still famous, and it isn’t because he’s “The World’s Most Dangerous Man”. While on a binge drinking relapse I browsed onto the Sherdog forums and found these two oldies but goodies.
After being unable to win even when the Upset Pixie waved her magical wand over him, Heath Herring has decided to take a vacation from his lousy training and ‘spend time with his family’:
“The UFC already called me about maybe [fighting] in October, and I just need to take some personal time,” said Herring. “I’m just trying to catch up and do some family things right now, and I need to find a good fight camp so I’ve got nothing really scheduled right now.”
I can’t disagree with his decision … if there’s anyone that needs to switch it up in the UFC, it’s Heath Herring. In the past six months he’s lost to lay’n'prayer Jake O’Brien, eeked out a decision against Brad Imes, and completely screwed up a fluke knockout of Antonio Rodrigo Noguiera. I’m too lazy to look it up, but that kinda underacheiving reminds me of someone else in the UFC … oh, Frank Mir? And by a stunning coincidence, both fighters just happen to come from the Las Vegas Combat Club.
To tell you the truth though, I don’t think the LVCC is the actual cause of these guy’s shitty performances. Both of them just seem to not really give a shit any more.