Man, staph infections are starting to scare the fuck out of me. I had a dream last night that I had staph on my cock, and the staph ate through my nut sack and my testicles fell out like a pair of bloody ben wa balls. Then we were at Ben & Jerry’s and one of the flavors was Josh Barnett’s Praline Wrestling Slam. I was like wow, Josh Barnett is the only MMA guy to have his own flavor of ice cream. But then I figured that guys like Luke Cummo probably made their own ice cream out of semen or something. That would never make it into Ben & Jerry’s though.

So where was I? Oh yeah … staph infections. Nick Diaz has one of those:

Nick Diaz has been hospitalized with a severe staph infection that he contacted a few days prior to his EliteXC fight. He was admitted to the hospital when he arrived in Las Vegas to watch his brother’s fight. He has been on an antibiotic IV since Tuesday and will probably remain so through the weekend.

Personally, I like it more when Dana White talks about staph … he explains staph in easy to understand terms like “the size of a golf ball” and “the size of a coffee cup” to tell us how severe it is. I dunno what anitobiotic IVs are but they sound like robots or some shit. I hope Nick Diaz isn’t being turned into like the robot or something like what happened to that fat chick in Superman 3. That would totally suck.

Shit, I think i got a contact high just from talking about Nick Diaz. He’s one potent motherfucker.

I’m often pretty harsh with the UFC for their abysmal pay rate for fighters. On one hand I don’t want pay to get out of hand like it has in boxing, but on the other hand I don’t think anyone fighting in the UFC should have to work a second job to break 30k a year after fighting expenses. Most people see the UFC raking in millions at the gates and 20+ millions through pay per view and they wonder where the fuck all that money is going. Well, not all of it is going into Zuffa’s pockets. A lot of it is being put back into promoting the sport and the UFC as a brand:

Billings for the account have been estimated in the $20 million range, contingent on the brand campaign launching–a significant upgrade from the $2.8 million UFC spent a year ago in measured media, according to TNS Media Intelligence.

That might seem like a lot of money at first, but I’ve got my doubts about those figures. ‘Measured media’ includes all television, radio and print ads. If the UFC managed to do what it did in 2006 on 2.8 million, that’s pretty fucking impressive. Even 20 million seems low when you consider the money they’ve spent on marketing just in the UK:

Fertitta said the company is spending $4.5 million to market the UFC brand in the U.K. alone. And that doesn’t include the $1.4 million the UFC spent to market Saturday’s event.

The UFC is also dropping some decent coin in Mexico, trying to chip away at the stranglehold boxing has on the region. There’s also retard talk about an event in Europe, and possibly even the wilderness of Canadia. No word yet on if that event will be held in a giant igloo or beaver dam.

Overall, I’d say it’s a pretty good decision to pour money into the sport … something boxing hasn’t done and is paying the price for now. People like to think mixed martial arts is here to stay, but I wouldn’t be so sure. If it goes down I’ll go back to being that creepy guy who blogs about Gilmore Girls. So I’m glad the UFC has the foresight to be putting a good chunk of the cash they’re making into locking the sport into the mainstream mind. Although how about paying these fighter guys a little bit more too, huh?

That lovable scamp Jason ‘Mayhem’ Miller was all abuzz at UFC76, goofin’ off for the camera whenever they were showing Wanderlei Silva.

In case you missed my casual reference earlier today about Loretta Hunt getting older, I’m just gonna say it straight out here: today is Loretta Hunt from the Fight Network’s birthday. In honor of this, I’ve decided to document my love for her and pull all my prose regarding her in one very special birthday post.

I love you, Loretta. Forever. Until we die. Together. Rice Krispies.

Read it all … after the jump!

1
But don’t worry, Loretta – you’re always invited to my press conference where you can ask me hard hitting questions like “How can it be that big?” and “How can one man satisfy so many women around the world?”

2
I don’t doubt Shamrock’s people told Loretta Hunt this stuff, but Loretta my dear, you must remember that pro wrestlers are the biggest liars in the world. Remember when I told you that I was a multi-millionaire playboy who loved you and wanted to marry you? Well, looks like you haven’t learned.

3
I’m a sensitive motherfucker and I’m tired of getting my hopes and dreams crushed over and over by the general MMA news sites. I’m looking directly at you, Loretta Hunt. Just because I want to have sex with your vagina doesn’t mean you can get my hopes up about Ken Shamrock.

4
Luke Thomas has been on a roll lately, pissing off people left and right. He did a live radio show on Steroids that made Zach Arnold cry harder than Loretta Hunt that time Phil Baroni headbutted her.

5
Anywho, one of the groups involved in Joost are our friends from The Fight Network. Okay, maybe ‘friends’ is a strong word to use. God knows, they never return my calls. And Loretta Hunt continues to ignore my Smiles on Lavalife.

6
Plus, if there weren’t dumb fighters out there doing crazy stuff, my blog would be dryer than Loretta Hunt’s vagina. Okay, maybe her vagina isn’t all that dry. But she certainly wasn’t willing to let me see so until I can verify the moistness of her genetalia first hand, we’ll just assume it’s dry. Okay? Okay.

7
The fight network’s email is info@thefightnetwork.com – if anyone has a better email address then please suggest it and I’ll update this post. I’d say email Loretta Hunt, but she spamblocked my email after I sent her pictures of my penis.

8
One of the hot ones – word is UFC guys think she’s queen bitch. Scores a 500 on the tap-o-meter. Possibly related to Helen Hunt.

9
All around me people are being sued by Zuffa, yet I haven’t even been contacted by their lawyers. I got really excited yesterday when someone served me with papers, but that was just about something between Loretta Hunt and me. Something private. And sexual. And possibly federal.

To make up for the delay in UFC 76 coverage, we’ve decided to churn out our UFC 76 review show before the event is but a faded memory in your minds. In between breakdowns of all the matches, we go into the ring vs cage, PRIDE vs UFC, the Fightlinker army vs the world, generation TUF, the problem with statistics, and oodles of other stuff.

Download the show here, or check it out on the Talkshoe app to your right. I’ve given up on iTunes, but it’s still there if you wanna subscribe.

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