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In case you missed my casual reference earlier today about Loretta Hunt getting older, I’m just gonna say it straight out here: today is Loretta Hunt from the Fight Network’s birthday. In honor of this, I’ve decided to document my love for her and pull all my prose regarding her in one very special birthday post.

I love you, Loretta. Forever. Until we die. Together. Rice Krispies.

Read it all … after the jump!

1
But don’t worry, Loretta – you’re always invited to my press conference where you can ask me hard hitting questions like “How can it be that big?” and “How can one man satisfy so many women around the world?”

2
I don’t doubt Shamrock’s people told Loretta Hunt this stuff, but Loretta my dear, you must remember that pro wrestlers are the biggest liars in the world. Remember when I told you that I was a multi-millionaire playboy who loved you and wanted to marry you? Well, looks like you haven’t learned.

3
I’m a sensitive motherfucker and I’m tired of getting my hopes and dreams crushed over and over by the general MMA news sites. I’m looking directly at you, Loretta Hunt. Just because I want to have sex with your vagina doesn’t mean you can get my hopes up about Ken Shamrock.

4
Luke Thomas has been on a roll lately, pissing off people left and right. He did a live radio show on Steroids that made Zach Arnold cry harder than Loretta Hunt that time Phil Baroni headbutted her.

5
Anywho, one of the groups involved in Joost are our friends from The Fight Network. Okay, maybe ‘friends’ is a strong word to use. God knows, they never return my calls. And Loretta Hunt continues to ignore my Smiles on Lavalife.

6
Plus, if there weren’t dumb fighters out there doing crazy stuff, my blog would be dryer than Loretta Hunt’s vagina. Okay, maybe her vagina isn’t all that dry. But she certainly wasn’t willing to let me see so until I can verify the moistness of her genetalia first hand, we’ll just assume it’s dry. Okay? Okay.

7
The fight network’s email is info@thefightnetwork.com – if anyone has a better email address then please suggest it and I’ll update this post. I’d say email Loretta Hunt, but she spamblocked my email after I sent her pictures of my penis.

8
One of the hot ones – word is UFC guys think she’s queen bitch. Scores a 500 on the tap-o-meter. Possibly related to Helen Hunt.

9
All around me people are being sued by Zuffa, yet I haven’t even been contacted by their lawyers. I got really excited yesterday when someone served me with papers, but that was just about something between Loretta Hunt and me. Something private. And sexual. And possibly federal.

To make up for the delay in UFC 76 coverage, we’ve decided to churn out our UFC 76 review show before the event is but a faded memory in your minds. In between breakdowns of all the matches, we go into the ring vs cage, PRIDE vs UFC, the Fightlinker army vs the world, generation TUF, the problem with statistics, and oodles of other stuff.

Download the show here, or check it out on the Talkshoe app to your right. I’ve given up on iTunes, but it’s still there if you wanna subscribe.

The results are in on the NSAC ruling against Renato Babalu Sobral. The bad news is they’re keeping his $25,000 win bonus. The good news is he’s not suspended. Well, it’s not really good news because now he’s a social leper and not even Gary Shaw will touch him. But still, chances are good he’ll be able to re-earn the money he just lost over the twelve months he would have otherwise been suspended.

You know, I’m always amazed at how ignorant I seem to be. I never imagined the NSAC would really stick it to Babalu and take more than 5000 bucks from him. I guess I’ve just seen too many low-paid fighters get busted 2000 bucks and a year off for failed drug tests. Off the top of my head, this could be the biggest fine ever issued to a mixed martial artist in the history of the NSAC.

Have you ever over reacted to a situation and actually made things worse? Examples like the US in Iraq pop into mind. Another example is the UFC freaking out about judging and opening the door to the CompuBox guys and their new ‘MMA scoring system’, CompuStrike. For those of you not familiar with the system, CompuBox is basically a statistical crunching system which ‘counts and categorizes punches thrown and connected in boxing matches.’ They’ve now ported their system to MMA where I’m sure it will wreak havoc within a year or so.

While on the surface I don’t have a problem for more information regarding fight statistics, the thought of this system being seen by judges scares the fuck out of me. The day rounds start being given to fighters based on their ‘hit percentage’ and ‘number of punches landed’ is the day I’m gonna fuck off and rededicate this blog to a real sport like competitive eating or something.

This isn’t soccer or basketball … you don’t get x number of points for putting a ball in the net and you don’t get a ‘score’ every time you manage to touch your opponent. You win by beating the other guy up worse than he beat you up. While it makes sense that the number of punches landed should matter, there’s going to be a fuckload of controversy down the road if it becomes a basis for judging criteria.

You’ll notice around here at Fightlinker that we love post trends. For a while we were all about Tito Ortiz and The Ultimate Fighter. Then we were on steroids, then Evan Tanner, then Loretta Hunt’s birth cannon (the clock is ticking, Loretta). For a while we were all about hating Kevin Iole, and then we decided it was passe because everyone else hates him too. Plus he’s like a distant inbred relative of our boys at MMAJunkie now, so we were trying to be nice. But sometimes this guy releases such smarmy fucking articles that I just can’t help but bang my head against a desk and pray for the Allah of MMA to cut off this infidel’s head.

Case in point, check out this article on the UFC76 post event press conference. Or you could just call it the ‘Kevin Iole licks poop off Dana White’s heel for two pages’ article. Here’s some highlights:

White had the answer – which he’s long had – which is to make the best fights. For years, he was unable to do that as the former owners of the Pride Fighting Championship were unwilling to pit their best against the UFC’s best.

They built this mystical belief in their company among a small cadre of passionate and loud fans.

It’s never made sense, because a good fight is a good fight, whether it’s promoted by Pride, the UFC or the Triple-A leagues like Elite XC and Bodog Fight.

When Zuffa, the UFC’s parent company, bought Pride in the spring, White gloated because he said he’d be able to make the fights he’s never been able to make.

And those fights are going to be the way to identify the best fighters in the world.

He’s going to match No. 1 vs. No. 2 in division after division on card after card. And after a year or two of those types of cards, the best fighters will be obvious.

Perhaps then, these silly Pride vs. UFC arguments can end.

Believe me, it’s long overdue.

Okay first off, Kevin Iole isn’t allowed to say anything in MMA is long overdue. Kevin Iole wishing the whole Pride vs UFC debate was over is like a new recruit getting off the chopper in Iraq telling an Iraqi citizen “I wish this war was over!” Now I’m not saying Kevin isn’t allowed to make statements like this because he’s only been a UFC fan for three months. But don’t throw this “Believe me” shit in there. No, Kevin. We don’t believe you. Because you’re wrong all the time and just regurgitate what you’re told.

Now onto lickspittle territory: “White had the answer – which he’s long had – which is to make the best fights.” OH MY FUCKING GOD. That anyone has the audacity to say this shit after an event featuring Liddell/Jardine and Rua/Griffin makes my blood boil. Just because these squash matches didn’t go as planned doesn’t absolve the UFC for putting them together. Jardine and Griffin were sacrificial lambs who were being fed to the UFC’s more valuable properties. If anything, the fact that these matches were ever booked PROVES the “Dana puts the best vs the best” argument is complete and utter bullshit. Maybe it makes sense with Dana’s fuck flute up your rectum, but I wouldn’t know … Dana doesn’t return my calls.

Anyways, I’m off to Little Jamaica to see if I can find an especially dumb looking voodoo doll.

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