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Hello class, and welcome to another edition of Cut Throat Business Tactics. Last time you’ll remember we covered how to force your fighters into re-signing with your organization, or failing that drag them down into obscurity by benching them for over half a year. This is a great tactic for lowballing fighters who still want to stay in your organization, but what about when a fighter wants nothing more to do with you than expose your evil business dealings?

That’s a good question, and fortunately Zuffa has once again provided us with a textbook example of what to do in that situation. In this case you’ve got beloved sports figure Randy Couture planning a press conference to tell people how bad the UFC sucks. Here’s what the UFC did to handle the situation:

1) Blamed the whole situation on Randy’s ‘Hollywood agent”. This is a brilliant case of deflection because, as we said, Randy is practically a saint in MMA. Shit-talking Randy Couture is akin to shit-talking Jesus himself. But everyone hates agents … ‘Hollywood’ agents doubly as much. By blaming this whole situation on a sleazy agent, Dana White is free to say whatever he wants without seeming like a gargantuan cock, and still pretend he’s BFF with Couture.

2) Invite Randy back to the negotiating table, and say things like you’ve “never said no to Randy Couture”. This sidesteps the issues of respect and dishonesty. In fact, it makes people forget that the only reason Randy would have to come back to the table is because his original contract might well have been written on a 2 foot dildo they subsequently raped him with.

3) Randy Couture planning a press conference to counter your PR spins? Who cares. You’re way better at press conferences, so why not throw an even bigger one 30 minutes before Randy’s? At best most press outfits will have to choose one of the two and will choose yours instead of his. At worst you can release enough positive news to bury whatever Randy has to say out from the headlines.

Thank fucking god. I just got an email in my inbox with the following news:

Please be aware that all bouts in the Strikeforce 185 pound tournament featuring Trevor Prangley, Falaniko Vitale, Yuki Sasaki, and Jorge Santiago will consist of two, FIVE-MINUTE rounds.

I was just in the middle of writing about how balls it was that the tournament was stuck with two 2 minute rounds. Yes … 4 minute fights! I had pretty much written this whole thing off, but I’m a much happier Fightlinker now. Now all I have to do is hit Trevor Prangley in the knee with a metal baton and Sean Salmon will be in the tournament!

Here’s a picture of Josh Barnett-trained Ginele Marquez in the process of getting smashed in by Canada’s Sarah Kaufman at last weekend’s HCF show. The casual inclusion of female fighters in middle-sized promotions across North America is a positive sign for the sport in general. To see more pictures, go to MMA Ring Report.

Just thought I would point out that Denny Burkholder over at CBS Sportsline got a new author’s picture that makes him look slightly less like a grinning pineapple than before. I still have to wonder thought if a nasty chinstrap beard is a job requirement over at the Sportsline.

For those of you who didn’t know, the essence of journalism is to report facts and to present a specific angle. That’s why you can have several different newspapers in one area reporting the same thing but coming to different conclusions. MMA’journalism’ is no different … we’re all working with the same facts, but we all put our own spin on things.

Kevin Iole covers the “Dana’s hairy balls in my mouth” angle. That fat fuck Goldman covers the “I hate the UFC because I’m a fat fuck” angle. I take care of the “I have chronic pain from a leg injury so I’m mean to everyone” angle. Wait … is that me, or House? That show rocks. I totally have an addiction to medical shows. Or do I have an addiction to Vicodin? Yeah … Vicodin. It’s yummy in my tummy.

Anyways, there are good angles, and there are dumb angles. Today we’re gonna look at a good article with a dumb angle: Gregg Doyel’s peice on how fucking dumb judges are. He breaks down the Keystone Kops sideshow that was scoring at UFC 77 and how the judges miscounted points, mispelled fighter names, and awarded the Bonnar/Schafer fight to Schafer dispite the small fact that Schafer kinda ended the fight face down in a pool of his own blood. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration but you get the point.

Now, I’m all on board for handing out some harsh criticism to the people responsible, but Gregg decided to pass the buck on the athletic commission responsible and target Dana White on this one. Fuck, am I ever sick of that. Let’s get something clear : there’s more than enough issues to blame on Dana White that are actually his doing. We don’t have to go around giving him shit for the stuff that’s obviously other people’s fault.

About the only thing I can fault Dana White for in this case is that he doesn’t call these morons out for being … well, for being morons. But this isn’t a case where Dana’s in a great position of power. He doesn’t control the salaries of the guys running the athletic commission. And while I’m sure the Ohio AC enjoys making the money they do off of UFC events, it’s not like they’re getting paid more because of it. So Dana taking the commission to task is a bit of a dangerous proposition … athletic commissions can make life a living fucking hell if they want to, and since Dana’s gonna be back in Ohio in March, it makes sense not to call the OAC a bunch of can’t count third grade flunkies.

On the other hand, there’s no reason Gregg can’t place the blame solely where it belongs. In fact, it makes much more sense for Gregg as an journalist to blow the whistle on this kind of ineptitude and demand something is done. The athletic commission controls the show, they are above the promoter in terms of power. But Gregg is an independant party who can do what he wants without fear of reprisals.

So tell me, Gregg? Why are you pissing all over Dana White when you’re in a much better position to effect change and embarass the OAC than Dana? And what the fuck’s up with that second G at the end of your name? Because if Gregg is short for Gregory then it should be Greg with one g. Stop trying to make yourself better than everyone else with all those fancy extra letters and consonants, buddy.

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