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I thought I’d take a few moments to shed some light on the mystery of who brings you your daily dose of MMA.

Luke Thomas – Bloody Elbow
The goat makes him look like a Slayer fan.

Sam Caplan – CBS Sportsline / Five Ounces of Pain / MMAJunkie
Easily the most intimidating of the bunch. Possibly related to Karo Parisyan.

Denny Burkholder – CBS Sportsline
Looks like a pineapple with a face. Ten points for equal hair distribution between his head and chin.

Gregg Doyel – CBS Sportsline
If Luke Thomas was a metrosexual, this is what he’d look like. He’d also be called Lukke Thomas.

Loretta Hunt – The Fight Network
One of the hot ones … word is UFC guys think she’s queen bitch. Scores a 500 on the tap-o-meter. Possibly related to Helen Hunt.

Erin Bucknell - Fight Opinion
Loretta beats Erin on the tap-o-meter but only because this pic may be 10+ years old. Here’s hoping Erin challenges Loretta to jello wrestling for hottest MMA reporter cred.

Jeff Thaler - Fight Opinion
After listening to Fight Opinion Radio, I figured Jeff was a 90 pound geek. Now I wanna see a fight between him and Sam Caplan.

Jeff Sherwood - Sherdog
When it comes to making fun of Jeff, many people go the ‘Jeff is fat’ route. Me, I prefer to hit on the ‘Nice Fu Manchu, bud’ route. But there’s no denying it suites him as Emperor of MMA websites.

Josh Gross - Sherdog
The glans (Latin for “acorn”, because the glans of a penis often looks like an acorn popping out of its cap) is a structure internally composed of corpus spongiosum in males or of corpus cavernosa and vestibular tissue in females that is located at the tip of homologous genital structures involved in sexual arousal.

Jordan Breen - Sherdog
You might think Jordan’s emo because of his dumb hair, but that’s just what the wind does to hair out in Nova Scotia.

TJ de Santos - Sherdog
I don’t know why people put bad pictures of themselves up on Myspace. TJ needs to learn a few self-photography tricks from Jordan Breen. In this picture he looks like MMA’s answer to Barney Rubble.

Dann Stupp - MMAJunkie
Dann looks exactly like my boss. I’m not saying anything bad in case he actually *is* my boss.

Jesse Holland - UFCMania
If Jeremy Horn and Dana White had a baby, he would be named Jesse Holland.

Ryan Harkness – Fightlinker
Sorry ladies, he’s taken.

Jacob Fortin – Fightlinker
Sorry ladies, he’s gay.

The EliteXC conference call for their Sept 15th event was held today and being the stoner he is, Nick Diaz forgot all about it and didn’t call in. Sam Caplan did, and here’s a breakdown of what was revealed:

-EliteXC seems to be buying into all the major independant organizations. They just bought majority stake in Cage Rage, and have offers in for Icon, King of the Cage, and Rumble on the Rock. You know Cage Rage is a big deal because the UFC is suing them. In fact, Cage Rage is doing so well the UFC decided to book their first UFC show in England on the same date as Cage Rage. You know a company respects you when they do everything they can to crush you.

Of course, all this consolidation means that Dana White just has to crush one big organization rather than an endless parade of little organizations. Now if EliteXC goes down in flames, it’s taking a lot of other groups with it.

-They still don’t know what the fuck they’re doing with weight classes … they’ve now got 155 and 160 weight classes. The 160 weight class is for little lazy guys who don’t like cutting the extra 5 pounds. My assumption is this weight class was designed especially for Hawaiians.

-No one asked why the fuck EliteXC booked Nick Diaz versus a relative nobody. Someone did ask if Diaz vs Gomi 2 could happen in an EliteXC match. Might as well have asked for Diaz vs Hulk Hogan. Hmmm….

-Shaw said he’s got three more female fighters he’s looking to sign and should have names to announce by the 15th. Big question mark is if they’re serious names in women’s MMA or more barbie dolls to feed Gina.


Luke Thomas is a gun for hire. Pay him enough and he’d probably kill that annoying roommate of yours who never does his dishes. For now though he’s under the employ of doing Whoop Ass Radio and UFCMania doing ‘Any Given Sunday’, a live call in show. Tonight he did a special Thursday night ‘Any Given’ show, and since I spend Thursday nights drunk and lonely, I called in. Three times.

Luke’s guest was Jon Fitch, who is probably one of the hardest working fighters in the UFC, but also one of the most bland. The show was pretty good regardless, and I got to ask this question:

Whenever people talk about the UFC underpaying fighters, you’re the guy they bring up. “Oh look at this: Jon Fitch is one of the top ten welterweight fighters in the world, and he still has to work in a bar to make ends meet”. Is that a fair statement?

Of course since I was drunk it came out more like “You still workin’ at a fucking bar? What’s up with that shit???”. Jon’s response was pretty neutral (like most things he says … he’s not exactly Quinton Jackson or anything), and he basically said the Cheddar’s gettin’ better and it’ll just take some time. What I took from his comment is that no, he isn’t making enough money to quit his bar job. Which sucks balls.

Finally at the end of the show, Luke Thomas revealed that he’s a closet Diego fan, which is something I should have forced him to admit when Jon Fitch was still on the line (Fitch and Sanchez are fighting at UFC76). Personally, I’m picking Fitch over Sanchez because Fitch has an awesome corner which he listens to – he defeated Roan Carneiro easily by following their instructions and executing their gameplan.

Diego Sanchez on the other hand was training with Greg Jackson, who’s a fucking retard when it comes to cornering a fight. And now he doesn’t even have Greg anymore. Who knows how Sanchez will do with his new training camp? How is he going to return after that lame loss to Josh Koscheck? My bet is Diego is going to come out hard and fast and Fitch is gonna catch him in a submission early.

Of course, me and Luke have gone at it before as far as predictions go and he was lucky enough to get a rare win over me. If he’s man enough to challenge me again, I guess we’ll see what happens.

**UPDATE** If you’re wondering where in the show I call in, it’s at 34:30. I also called in again around 54:00 but that bit seems to be cut off at the moment.

Due to a coke-fueled phone call at 3am in the morning from an anonymous member of UFCJunkie, I had a 24 hour scoop on the news that was switching it’s name to However, drug benders tend to make you paranoid, so I was sworn to secrecy. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I can share my thoughts!

First off, I’m sure MMAJunkie’s lawyers are sighing a big sigh of relief. The chances a drunk but determined Chris Lytle will show up on Dana’s orders to serve papers have decreased significantly now. Legal issues aside, I’m also kinda excited to see where this goes, although I do kinda worry that the page will start drowning in ‘Big Bob’s Fighting Challenge 12′ news. Word to the wise: no one cares what washed up UFC fighters are doing! Unless it’s Evan Tanner, of course.

Now we wait and see if Junkie’s switch will cause the bucketloads of other sites with UFC in their URL to follow suite. God knows, most of them get all their news from UFCJunkie to begin with. Er … MMAJunkie that is. Damn, this is gonna be hard to remember.

Face it … your chances of making it in MMA are pretty slim. Ever since The Ultimate Fighter debuted, every fight camp in North America is swarming with people who have way less of a life and therefore way more time on their hands to train than you. Sure, you might win a fight or two at whatever toughman competition happens in your town. But your career stops when you run into Warren Felterson who spends all his welfare check on steroids and all his time at the gym.

So why not just do something a bit less strenuous. Like American Gladiators. The pay’s pretty decent and you’ve got a good chance of fucking a co-star with an engorged penis-like clitoris. Honestly, were you really satisfied with that Chyna porn tape? Didn’t you say “Boy, I like how it gets up and erect, but now I want the chance to put my mouth on something like that too,”?

Well here’s your fucking chance! This saturday in Venice California, American Gladiators is holding auditions for the return of their show. Note in the casting call they say the new format is “NO-HOLDS-BARRED”. I would love to show up and test that statement out.

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