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Randy Couture vs Gabriel Gonzaga

Randy: The grizzled bear, king of the woods. Pretty much the only fag in the village who’s still universally respected by all the queens. He doesn’t do the dirty work for show or to stay on top of the fag pyramid. He does it because he likes it.

Gabriel: The young stud, the big boy from Brazil who came to town hot for cock but not knowing the ropes. As time has gone on he thinks he’s learned a few things, but the truth is he’s just been used. His bulging bags up top and down below call to the boys who like to be dominated, but he’s a fool to think he can play Randy at his own game.

Who’s the top: Gabriel, but only because Randy likes it like that

The One Eyed Essential: One would think Gabriel has the larger package, but Randy has gone through everything including a stint with suspension. While Gonzaga’s got some serious South American Pine in his shorts, Randy’s got a dropper with multiple studs and rings.

Georges St Pierre vs Josh Koscheck

Georges: The nice boy who speaks french. He’s been around the block, taken in by every queer with a taste for innocence. But don’t let that smile and those eyes fool you. He’s left every one of the men he’s been with, and always going a step up in his secret quest for village dominance. While men watch his muscles ripple, they don’t notice the wheels turning. While Georges has his girl moments and needs a shoulder to cry on, he’ll flip the switch and scratch you up an hour later.

Josh: The bad boy. Everyone wants to hate him, but those pearly curls and the mulatto complexion is just too 2007 to resist. No one ever expects to end up in bed with that asshole Josh, but of course when 9am rolls around at the afterhours and he turns on the charm by sharing the ketamine, you know where things are going.

Who’s the top: Josh loves the top. The only thing he loves more than top is doing blow off a hard cock.

The One Eyed Essential: Georges wins here. Boys from la Belle Province aren’t known for their long snakes, but he must have a touch of Indian in him because Georges has the largest totem pole in the tribe.

BREAKING NEWS: Tim Sylvia vs Brandon Vera is at UFC 77! Okay, so maybe I’m the last person to announce this, and in the end who really cares? You already know my thoughts on Brandon Vera … while he may prove to be the next big thing, I’d rather wait and see how he does than suck his gong prematurely. This mouth is reserved for champions, bitch. No belt, no blow.

Anyways, fighting Sylvia will definately show us what Vera’s really made of. There’s no guarantee which Sylvia will show at UFC77 … pre-2004 Tim who won twelve of his sixteen bouts by knockout, or 2006 onwards Tim who’s four out of five fights ended by decision. Since I generally believe Einstein’s theory of relativity and that time travel is impossible, it’ll most likely be 2006 onwards Tim. But I can still cross my fingers and hope a lightning bolt from the sky will deliver a phone booth containing not only Bill and Ted, but a young and angry Tim Sylvia ready to smash some face in. Regardless, Vera’s up for a test and I’m looking forward to see how he grades.


(above: Matt Serra takes out Takanori Gomi at ADCC2001, pretty easily, too)

The more time goes by, the more I realize Matt Serra could be the greatest sleeper fighter ever. And this isn’t going by his UFC record … in fact, his UFC record is pretty shit as far as I’m concerned. Out of his last seven UFC fights, 6 of them went to decisions. But looking past that, the dude has done some impressive things grappling wise … if his fight with GSP wasn’t a fluke and he really has finally figured out the firepower in his hands, then perhaps we could see Serra make it past Matt Hughes. Stylistically I don’t see it being that far fetched.

 

Minute rumblings over the ‘web have turned into roaring thunder these past few days. The latest hot rumor no one can lock down is that new hotness Denis Kang will be facing old and busted Sakuraba. Of course, the general consensus even on the most asinine of forums is that Sakuraba is likely to die in the ring facing someone like Kang. My feelings is that any man who has survived what Sakuraba has survived simply cannot die. Sakuraba is indeed an immortal, and no matter how badly he may be pulverized by an opponent, he will either pull off an armbar or flying grease accusation for the win.

And come on now … this is Denis Kang we’re talking about. Kang has power in his hands, but he’s not exactly known for thrashing his opponents within an inch of their lives like Wanderlei Silva does. In fact, Kang seems like the kind of guy who’ll respect Sakuraba’s typical pre-fight request to ‘Prease no to be punching me in face’.

Jeez, Nick Diaz doesn’t seem to be allowed to do anything lately. Following his suspension several months ago for smoking the wacky tobacco, he hasn’t been allowed to fight anywhere or even corner his brother for the Ultimate Fighter 5 finale. Apparently it was a really big deal that Nick was even able to attend the show at all!

Now we can add yet another thing to the list of stuff Nick isn’t allowed to do: submission grappling.

The Professional Shooto Japan event, sanctioned by the California State Athletic Commission, is required to comply with suspensions issued by the other Athletic Commissions, and in this case, the Nevada State Athletic Commission, who levied a six-month suspension to Diaz for a positive marijuana test at Pride 33 on February 24.

Jeez, I haven’t heard of anyone being punished this badly since I fed that bag of micro machines to the retard on our school bus. Of course, ‘punishment’ isn’t just a shitty brand of clothing. Apparently the word also means ‘to subject to pain, loss, confinement, etc., as a penalty for some offense’. Regardless of how dumb or legit the offense is, the whole point of a punishment is to piss Nick off. And perhaps if Nick’s parents had tried this ‘punishment’ thing on him and his little brother way back when, they wouldn’t have grown up to be such little jiu jitsu thugs.

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